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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

7 days and he hasn't reached out

148 replies

Bluenew · 05/08/2021 11:33

There was no argument I just felt he was becoming a bit flakey so I stepped back a bit. It was nothing serious, only been dating for 4 months but I really liked him and I miss him lots today. Day 7 of me not contacting him - putting the ball in his court , hoping he would contact me but nothing Sad.

How long should I go no contact?
Is there usually a time they would reach out by?
Should I reach out to him? What should I say?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 22:13

@Bluenew

I feel like he conned me. He was so lovely at first and now he's so unavailable after we slept together. We only slept together once then he because unavailable.
Well, if he's conned you, why are you feeling rejected? Why aren't you rejecting him?

If he has conned you in this way, he may well return at a later date. Give yourself some strength by imagining that, and imagining yourself saying 'Go stuff yourself, prat!' (or something swearier)

If he's the kind of guy who's just out for sex, you actually want him to show his true colours straight away.

Learn from this.

Justcallmebebes · 05/08/2021 22:16

He's not into you. Move on

stellaisabella · 05/08/2021 22:16

He's just not that into you, block him and move on

VodselForDinner · 05/08/2021 22:19

Oh OP, I’m cringing so hard for you.

Move on. He probably has.

PearlFriday · 05/08/2021 22:33

Don't feel stupid OP.
You clearly do have self respect. That's why you stepped back. But as hard as it is, stay back. What's that saying ''no response is a response'' and you said he was flakey. Men don't dislike doing the running so I don't think you're potentially pouring cold water on any embers here. He knows you like him. He liked you well enough but not enough to make a whole load of effort. You did exactly the right thing stepping back. x

crimsonlake · 05/08/2021 22:40

You have posted about this issue a few days ago and received lots of advice. What different answers are you looking for? Stop making excuses for him which will give you a reason to make contact. Move on.

Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 22:44

@VodselForDinner it's better to vent my feeling on here and be anonymous than tell anyone in FL or even worse tell him how I'm feeling.

@PearlFriday thank you so much, that has really helped me so thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 22:44

RL not FL

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 05/08/2021 22:49

It’s hard to let go when someone give you intermittent affection
It’s like crack, so I get why you feel like you do.
Clean break is the only way

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 05/08/2021 22:52

You sound incredibly young.
Rejection is not nice but when it happens you have to muster your self respect, accept he's not into you and walk away.

BrilliantBetty · 05/08/2021 22:52

Yes rejection is the worst. Agreed, it is hard to take, any kind of rejection but romantically especially.

And this is a rejection. He isn't keen. If he was thinking about you loads, wanting to see you, he would have contacted you. He clearly isn't fussed. Or wanted to end things and didn't know how. But either way don't waste your time. There's someone else out there who will appreciate you.

Cockenspiel · 05/08/2021 22:53

The longer you let this drag on the worse you are going to feel, you need to rip off the plaster and block him.

Lampan · 05/08/2021 23:05

It’s shit but a dignified silence is the only way here. You have played it cool and not contacted him, which arguably is game playing, and he has demonstrated that he’s not even that bothered that he hasn’t heard from you. If he was keen he would absolutely not risk you thinking he has lost interest. He’s content to let things fizzle out.
If you get in touch again and get no response, or if he blows you off, think how shit you’ll feel then. Don’t do it to yourself. He may have said the right things but you need to look at his actions - he’s showing he’s not keen.

VenusTiger · 05/08/2021 23:17

You stepped back to test him out - now he's failed the test.
You've got your answer OP - if you're happy to be his shag then contact him, otherwise, ignore, block etc.

HerMammy · 05/08/2021 23:31

➡️🗑 for him

Happycow37 · 05/08/2021 23:36

I know someone who was with her partner for 7 YEARS! She felt he wasn’t making an effort and stopped contacting him to see how long it would take him to notice. After 3 weeks of no contact she got in touch to tell him it was over. He hadn’t even noticed it was that long. He did try and win her back, asked her out to dinner and stuff but she was done. She’s now happily with someone else who seems to be rally engaged and happy to try lots of new things together, which the old bf wasn’t.

He’s shown you he’s happy to not speak to you for 7 days, that should tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Bluenew · 06/08/2021 07:34

Thank you. It has been so hard not to contact him but I've gone one week so I will keep going.

OP posts:
smileandsmilesomemorey · 06/08/2021 07:48

I do find men generally can be like this, not good at communicating. It's a tough one, someone being very keen could be a red flag - love bombing . Personally if he has a dead relative, IF he was close to them and having to deal with other family and work I wouldn't think a week was too bad in only this circumstance. Personally I would do a message in that time, but not to flog a cliche, men communicate differently. But if his texting was an issue for you before this bereavement then yes maybe it's time to finish it.

If he's grieving and you dump him that's quite unkind, but only you know the true situation, why he cancelled your last meet up etc

Original poster
Bluenew · 06/08/2021 13:41

Yes he has been grieving and 7 days is not really that long as we did not contact each other everyday anyway. The death was over a week ago and I sent him a condolence message after he reached out to me.

Should I message him? As I do not know what he is thinking on his end but then I think he would have contacted me within this time if he wanted too.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 06/08/2021 13:50

All this time in and you throw in the grieving comment? Leave the lad alone.

COL1N · 06/08/2021 13:59

Personally I would message- he might be thinking 'I cant believe she hasn't messaged me yet'!

bathsh3ba · 06/08/2021 14:11

I don't understand half the advice on here. People complain that guys are playing games then play games themselves. Just be straightforward, message and say what you mean. If he likes you, he won't mind. If he doesn't like you, nothing lost, at least you kept your integrity.

Original poster
Bluenew · 06/08/2021 14:16

@bathsh3ba Just be straightforward, message and say what you mean

What do you suggest I say. Got a bit of mind fog at the minute.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 06/08/2021 14:35

Exactly bathsh3ba

Bluenew Just do what I suggested yesterday at 19:05:48.
That way you find out where you stand, and you get your things back and you can stop agonising over the whole thing.

Taliskerskye · 06/08/2021 14:51

But there’s no point. She’s been through this over and over. This is obviously not the way she wants to be treated in a relationship. You cannot force someone to give you the type of contact you want if they’re not bothered or they are that type of person
You need to meet the type of person who you would not feel overly anxious all the time. Which clearly you do.
Ah worst he’s not interested and doesn’t care, at best you’re simply not suited