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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

7 days and he hasn't reached out

148 replies

Bluenew · 05/08/2021 11:33

There was no argument I just felt he was becoming a bit flakey so I stepped back a bit. It was nothing serious, only been dating for 4 months but I really liked him and I miss him lots today. Day 7 of me not contacting him - putting the ball in his court , hoping he would contact me but nothing Sad.

How long should I go no contact?
Is there usually a time they would reach out by?
Should I reach out to him? What should I say?

OP posts:
Splendo · 05/08/2021 18:55

I dated someone like this OP. We had a great time when we were together, loads in common, fantastic chemistry but he was awful at keeping in touch between dates and I seemed to do most of the arranging. After he ignored me for a week or so for the third time I stopped trying to get in touch and thought that was the end of it.
2 years later (yes TWO YEARS) he messaged me out of the blue and said he'd thought about me a lot since we last met up and did I fancy a date?
I was engaged to DH by then!

Anyway, my point is - move on and find someone who wants to see you as much as you want to see them!

DizzySquirrel90 · 05/08/2021 18:56

OP if you let this continue you will set yourself up for a lot of hurt throughout this relationship. Walk away.

Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 18:57

@FlowerArranger I'm not running after him, I haven't even contacted him.

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 05/08/2021 18:59

You’ve got to find a way to detach. It’s intermittent contact so when he finally bothers you feel a bit “yay” rather than him contacting you being just normal and run of the mill like relationships should be (happy making fun of the mill obviously)

Kite22 · 05/08/2021 19:05

I don't understand the game playing.
You've been having a relationship for 4 months where you have done most of the organising.
Then his Nan dies.
Then you stop organising things / contacting him.
You expect him to telepathically know that this is a test to see how keen he is, even though you haven't told him that the rules have changed, and even though you know this is a bit of an emotional week for him.

Why not just phone him up. Ask him how he is. ?
Then say to him that you have been feeling you seem to be doing all the arranging of your dates / time together, and that isn't how you want your relationship to be. See what he says. See how he responds.

Then either arrange to go round and pick up your things if you don't want to carry on, or he will understand what is happening in your head and might well step up, or might not, but at least he will, at that point understand why the relationship hasn't gone anywhere.

pollypocketlover · 05/08/2021 19:17

@Kite22

I don't understand the game playing. You've been having a relationship for 4 months where you have done most of the organising. Then his Nan dies. Then you stop organising things / contacting him. You expect him to telepathically know that this is a test to see how keen he is, even though you haven't told him that the rules have changed, and even though you know this is a bit of an emotional week for him.

Why not just phone him up. Ask him how he is. ?
Then say to him that you have been feeling you seem to be doing all the arranging of your dates / time together, and that isn't how you want your relationship to be. See what he says. See how he responds.

Then either arrange to go round and pick up your things if you don't want to carry on, or he will understand what is happening in your head and might well step up, or might not, but at least he will, at that point understand why the relationship hasn't gone anywhere.

I reckon women should aim higher than this - find a guy who doesn't leave you to do most of the organising in the first place. It's not about mind reading or game playing, it's about knowing that the person you're dating is actually interested in you, and if they are they will not leave you to do all the contacting.

He's just not that into you OP, and you're way too emotionally invested for FWB situationship with this guy.

FlowerArranger · 05/08/2021 19:21

[quote Bluenew]@FlowerArranger I'm not running after him, I haven't even contacted him.[/quote]
From one of your posts this morning: I was doing 75% percent of the contact

allundercontrol · 05/08/2021 19:30

OP - you sound like a nice person. Throw this one back and find someone who is really in to you. It shouldn't be so hard and no one is worth the aggro.

We ALL deserve to be with someone who is keen on us (and vice versa of course!), otherwise what's the point in making an effort with our time and affection and inevitably taking on their life struggles as well?

Even if you don't want a full blown relationship, do it with someone who shows you kindness, interest and respect! Good luck

LittleBirdBlu · 05/08/2021 19:33

Please find your self respect and don't contact this man. He is NOT into you! Going 7 days without contacting you is him telling you this. Please listen to what he is telling you. Honestly if you message him you will be making a fool of yourself. Give his clothes to charity and move on!

RantyAunty · 05/08/2021 19:47

He's not interested anymore.
Find some things to do and others to talk to so he won't be on your mind so much.

seensome · 05/08/2021 19:54

How long to go no contact? Indefinitely
Neither of you have contacted so there is mutual feeling that it's fizzled out.
He might reach out again but by that point you're hopefully moving on with your life and imagine reaching out to him and finding out he's met someone else, just leave it now and the clothes, can you afford to lose them? I would unless I really needed them.

Vanilla1Cookies · 05/08/2021 20:10

@Bluenew

I doubt it if he’s aware that it’s you doing 75% of the graft to meet.

Of course he knows.

I'm sorry but me contacting him more than I contact him does not mean I obsessed. I would only contact him once every 2-3 days - proves nothing. If anything I've played it too cool with him.

I never said obsessed did I … although you clearly like him a lot more then he likes you.

Like I said… keep some self respect.

TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 20:17

@Bluenew

But then hr would be lovely to me, giving lots of complements. I'm at a loss as to what to do and how to deal with this situation. I don't want to screw it up.
Isn't he screwing it up? He's not contacted you for 7 days. How much of this are you willing to put up with? Why does he get to judge your behaviour, but you don't get to judge his?
toocold54 · 05/08/2021 20:30

If someone wants to talk to you they will.

If as PPs said his nan has died then you can just send a message saying something like “I hope you and your family are all managing ok in this difficult time. I’m here if you ever need to chat xx”

So he knows you’re thinking about him but you’re not pressuring him into replying.

Plutonuto · 05/08/2021 21:15

I feel like his nan died not even a week ago. I don’t think a lot of people in that situation would be worried about getting in touch with their FWB. Especially as he’s already let you know what’s going on. You could send a message checking in. But a FWB type relationship is probably the last thing on his mind

Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 21:17

I feel so shit Sad rejection is the worst feeling Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 21:19

I feel like he conned me. He was so lovely at first and now he's so unavailable after we slept together. We only slept together once then he because unavailable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 21:20

I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluenew · 05/08/2021 21:21

Became not because

OP posts:
Plutonuto · 05/08/2021 21:23

It feels rubbish now so the sooner you cut him off and move on the better. Regardless of what is going on in his life, if he wanted to be in touch he would. I feel like you’re more invested in this than you’ve let on but just think of it this way.
He has made space for someone who wants you to come into your life. Delete his number

yellowsofa · 05/08/2021 21:23

Come on,OP, you deserve better.
He's a first class shit, sleeping with you then going no contact.
Block him and hold your head high.

toocold54 · 05/08/2021 21:25

I feel like he conned me. He was so lovely at first and now he's so unavailable after we slept together. We only slept together once then he because unavailable.

If you feel that way then delete his number and move on. Don’t waste anymore time on him.

Taliskerskye · 05/08/2021 22:08

You are not stupid. Don’t think that

He’s not worth it. It’s not personal for him, which you might take personally but don’t.

You’re imagining that if you were different he would make more of an effort- NO he wouldn’t, he will continue to do with with everyone until he’s found someone who’s totally fine doing all of the work.

I know rejection hurts, but it’s better to get out now. Don’t blame yourself.

Smackthepony · 05/08/2021 22:12

@ImRhondaAndthesearentreal

Why ask for advice if you're just going to ignore it?

Everyone is saying not to contact him. You're determined to contact him anyway.

This 🙄
5475878237NC · 05/08/2021 22:12

There's really no chance the issue is you've played it too cool. If he was interested he'd be on the phone to you all the time trying to make plans, even if you barely text him.