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Original poster

Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

202 replies

ParryHotter85 · 19/07/2021 13:34

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 19/07/2021 13:38

I wouldn't want to live with a man who didn't respect the fact their behaviour was making me anxious and nervous. I certainly wouldn't put my daughter through it.

Sorry but I don't think you should stay with him unless he's prepared to at least give counselling a go.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2021 13:38

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

My reply would be "I'm sorry that your parents physically abused you. Physical discipline of children has been considered unacceptable for many decades now. There are many parenting courses available to help new step-parents - why don't you go and have a Google?"

He needs to understand that his feelings aren't more important than your DDs.

HeartIess · 19/07/2021 13:39

He sounds fucking horrible op

titchy · 19/07/2021 13:45

It sounds like you've swapped one abusive relationship for another. Just because he's not physical doesn't mean the relationship is better.

titchy · 19/07/2021 13:46

Is this what you want your dd's idea of a loving relationship to be?

CanofCant · 19/07/2021 13:48

So he knows that you and your DD have suffered from living in a physically abusive relationship with your ex, yet he feels it's okay to shout at her and tell you he thinks she should be smacked?

The teen years are only going to get worse with him about. He is making you nervous and upset and treating your DD with disdain and will eventually push her away.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you have left a physically abusive man for an emotionally abusive one.

doodleygirl · 19/07/2021 13:49

Get out now.

Show your daughter that you will not be treated like this, nor will you allow her to be treated this way. You will sew the seed of her relationships forever if you don’t act now

GetTaeFuck · 19/07/2021 13:49

This guy is abusive too.

Leave.

Justcallmebebes · 19/07/2021 13:50

Your daughter is 13. He's a grown adult. You need to be safe guarding your daughter who you say has already witnessed you being in an abusive relationship.

13 years olds can push you to the very limit. If he doesn't realise that and adjust his behaviour accordingly, you need to put your daughter first and get rid

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2021 13:51

You traded one violent man for another. That's the reality of what you're dealing with.

CanofCant · 19/07/2021 13:52

Also, I don't feel that you should be laying the responsibility at your daughter's door. Fair enough she should control her temper, door slamming etc and try to be considerate of other family members but it's not okay to sit them down together as equals and tell her to force herself to get on with him for your sake. (Obviously I am guessing at how the conversation went). What if this leads her to put up and shut up with awful treatment from him just to protect you?

leakymcleakleak · 19/07/2021 13:53

honestly OP, you've moved from one abusive relationship to a slightly less abusive relationship.

You are acting as though a 13 year old from an abusive background is meant to be as responsible as an adult man. You're exposing your DD to this behaviour. You need to get her away, and to leave him.

I grew up in a 'shouty' house, my DH did not. We don't raise our voices, ever. It took me a while to get used to this, but I have, because being in a home where people shout all the time is not nice. I was constantly on edge as a child, and that wasn't abuse, that was just normal parenting and disagreements between two parents who frequently shouted. I don't want to expose my children to that. He can adapt, and not shout. He's choosing not to.

Screaming at her for looking at him isn't discipline, by the way. Its demonstrating that he is totally emotionally out of control, and insists on dominating a situation. You really need counselling to figure out what has led you to this relationship, and you need to protect your daughter form it.

Fullofglee · 19/07/2021 13:55

Put your dd first and binn this man.

Dragon50 · 19/07/2021 13:55

*After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.*

Have you given any consideration to how your daughter is feeling? You and DH have choices. Presumably she doesn’t have the choice whether or not to live with a bully.

Her behaviour needs to be sorted, but she shouldn’t be getting threatening with physical punishment.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 19/07/2021 13:57

Oh dear. I’m feeling really low about all this.

It was over 11 years ago I left DD real Dad when she was only 1 due to the physical and mental abuse when I was with him, I was in my early 20’s then and I am extremely grateful that DD did not witness any of the abuse.

Husband does shout and he gets really annoyed over the slightest things for example if a drink has been spilt or little things like that. He’s does help doing a lot of the washing and chores etc but to me, life is too short to be getting really annoyed over trivial things.

I will take DD daughters phone ( as it is her lifeline) after asking her a number of times to tidy her room until she does what I have asked like clean her room etc but he shouts. He said to her the other day you are a cheeky little get and a naughty girl and she retaliated by saying “your own son is scared of you.”

Husband has a son who is now 17.

Ive tried to take charge and state if she misbehaves let me discipline her instead of him.

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 19/07/2021 13:57

You spoke to them about the impact it was having on you? Not that your arsehole DH yelled and screamed at your DD? I am bemused...You should have supported your DD with this bully. He is horrible

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 19/07/2021 14:00

@CanofCant

So he knows that you and your DD have suffered from living in a physically abusive relationship with your ex, yet he feels it's okay to shout at her and tell you he thinks she should be smacked?

The teen years are only going to get worse with him about. He is making you nervous and upset and treating your DD with disdain and will eventually push her away.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you have left a physically abusive man for an emotionally abusive one.

This is what I am worried about. Especially when looking at what emotionally abusive is.
OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 19/07/2021 14:00

i have just read your update, I dont know what your saying? Yes its normal for teenagers to push our buttons, however this man is a screaming bully. Do you want your DD to grow up thinking its normal for men to scream at you and demand respect? You cannot allow him to discipline her, what happens when he hits her next as she pushes his buttons too far?

Dragon50 · 19/07/2021 14:03

He isn’t helping with chores, he is doing his share.

Is his son scared of him?

titchy · 19/07/2021 14:03

@ParryHotter85

Oh dear. I’m feeling really low about all this.

It was over 11 years ago I left DD real Dad when she was only 1 due to the physical and mental abuse when I was with him, I was in my early 20’s then and I am extremely grateful that DD did not witness any of the abuse.

Husband does shout and he gets really annoyed over the slightest things for example if a drink has been spilt or little things like that. He’s does help doing a lot of the washing and chores etc but to me, life is too short to be getting really annoyed over trivial things.

I will take DD daughters phone ( as it is her lifeline) after asking her a number of times to tidy her room until she does what I have asked like clean her room etc but he shouts. He said to her the other day you are a cheeky little get and a naughty girl and she retaliated by saying “your own son is scared of you.”

Husband has a son who is now 17.

Ive tried to take charge and state if she misbehaves let me discipline her instead of him.

Please don't tell me you him doing the washing up mitigates his emotional abuse?
Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 19/07/2021 14:04

@mynameisbrian

You spoke to them about the impact it was having on you? Not that your arsehole DH yelled and screamed at your DD? I am bemused...You should have supported your DD with this bully. He is horrible
Oh no please dont mistake me I sat them both down afterwards. Believe you me I went absolutely mental at him for screaming at her like that. I love her more than anything she is my world.

I know her behaviour at the moment is challenging, its challenging for me as she is becoming a teen but so is his.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 19/07/2021 14:05

He is a bully. She sounds very perceptive with her comment about his son. You have told him to let you take charge and he still over rides you. From what you have written I don't he will improve with a talk. I agree with leakymcleakleak when they say

Screaming at her for looking at him isn't discipline, by the way. Its demonstrating that he is totally emotionally out of control, and insists on dominating a situation. You really need counselling to figure out what has led you to this relationship, and you need to protect your daughter form it.

He sounds horrible and it must be exhausting for you. You have had the strength to leave an abusive relationship before to protect your daughter and I really think you should again.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 19/07/2021 14:06

@mynameisbrian

i have just read your update, I dont know what your saying? Yes its normal for teenagers to push our buttons, however this man is a screaming bully. Do you want your DD to grow up thinking its normal for men to scream at you and demand respect? You cannot allow him to discipline her, what happens when he hits her next as she pushes his buttons too far?
I would never ever allow him to raise a hand to her ever, but I know exactly what you are saying I known it’s wrong and that’s why I came here looking for advice.
OP posts:
SteakChips · 19/07/2021 14:06

This is a tough one, I'm a step mother to two boys and I have a newborn (half sibling in the mix). The eldest is 13 and is going through the same things as your DD. I don't shout but I do have a firm voice, and yes I have used the line "back in my day..." and so has their father. When I met my now DH I had the conversation how would he like me to help bring up his sons which also covers discipline, did you have the chat before or maybe it's needs to be visit a few times. Also has he got any children of his own?? If not maybe need some guidance - it can be difficult to be the outsider. Also have a word with your DH asking her what she wants from your DH in the discipline area. She might not what him to get involved, which is ok some relationships work like that where step parents have been told to leave it to the biological parent but he just supports your needs.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 19/07/2021 14:08

@leakymcleakleak

honestly OP, you've moved from one abusive relationship to a slightly less abusive relationship.

You are acting as though a 13 year old from an abusive background is meant to be as responsible as an adult man. You're exposing your DD to this behaviour. You need to get her away, and to leave him.

I grew up in a 'shouty' house, my DH did not. We don't raise our voices, ever. It took me a while to get used to this, but I have, because being in a home where people shout all the time is not nice. I was constantly on edge as a child, and that wasn't abuse, that was just normal parenting and disagreements between two parents who frequently shouted. I don't want to expose my children to that. He can adapt, and not shout. He's choosing not to.

Screaming at her for looking at him isn't discipline, by the way. Its demonstrating that he is totally emotionally out of control, and insists on dominating a situation. You really need counselling to figure out what has led you to this relationship, and you need to protect your daughter form it.

I understand what you are saying I really do. I know it wasn’t right what happened.

With regards to seeking counselling over what ‘led me’ to this relationship, he never used to be like this, its only recently that he is, he did agree to seek counselling previously for his anger but said the GP never referred him.

OP posts: