Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

@ParryHotter85

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

NEVER. We've been married for 25 years and my husband has never shouted at me, called me names, or said a single vile thing to me. Not once, and it would never have been tolerated.

Ive have done today. I’ve put things in place now to move out with my daughter.

I missed your update. This is good OP, well done. You have done this before, you can survive it again.

And no, my husband wouldn't speak to me like that, and certainly not to our children. My in laws are lovely too but if there were any minor issues then he knows his loyalty lies with his wife and children.

Ive have done today. I’ve put things in place now to move out with my daughter.

That sounds really positive.

I'm worried that if when you speak to her she says you don't need to split up etc, you'll think well it must be ok to stay.

It isn't. She isn't mature enough to navigate an abusive dynamic so she may well think the cuddle times make up for the bad times. They don't. All the bad times teach her more and more about how she should let men treat her - shouting at her, belittling her etc.

It's up to you to make the decision to leave and you mustn't make her feel she gets a vote in it. I know that sounds counter intuitive but it's a case of protecting her not excluding her.

YOU need to decide to leave because your daughter and you are being treated appallingly by an arsehole. No matter what she says, that's still the right decision. Don't forget that when you speak to her.

@HalzTangz

An I'm sorry but you telling him won't stop him from shouting. As for the counselling,the doctor didnt refer him because he didn't ask the doctor. You don't need referring you can book your own counselling. He is lying to you and will continue lying

I agree with this too. It's just another strategy to shut you up for a while and placate you before he launches another attack. Remember this when he bombards you with 'woe is me' apologies.

I have never even met someone whose husband behaves like this. It is absolutely not normal and these are not princes among men. Just normal guys- this is absolutely abnormal
His own son is afraid of him to the extent his has discussed it with your daughter
I had a lot of sympathy for you but which each post.. what is wrong with you ?? Why are you even debating staying. How can you prioritize this absolute scumbag over your DD whom you claim to love.

Op, please do not fall for the 'anger issues' line and that 'he just needs help'. Does he scream abuse and spew shit at his co-workers, his friends, his adult relatives, and say they need to be hit? Or does he only do this with you (timid female) and children (yours, his and others)? If a person has true anger issues then they can not control it with anyone (very rare). I get sick of this excuse being trotted out whenever a man is abusive. Please leave and look after your daughter and yourself, you both deserve better.

You wouldn't let him physically abuse your daughter but you're letting him verbally abuse her. It doesn't matter if you've gone ballistic at him over it, he's still doing it.

Do right by your daughter and leave him. You both don't need the stress he's causing.

The only solution is for you to leave this abusive man who is ruining your daughter’s childhood.

@workshy44

I have never even met someone whose husband behaves like this. It is absolutely not normal and these are not princes among men. Just normal guys- this is absolutely abnormal His own son is afraid of him to the extent his has discussed it with your daughter I had a lot of sympathy for you but which each post.. what is wrong with you ?? Why are you even debating staying. How can you prioritize this absolute scumbag over your DD whom you claim to love.

I dont claim to love her. I do love her with everything I have. Please dont put me down stating that I ‘claim’ to love her. Dont.

That love for her isn't translating into actions though OP for as long as you have stayed with this man. From her POV as a child, she won't necessarily feel you love her more than you love him - because you've stayed with him despite how he obviously feels about her and treats her.

@ParryHotter85 I've been married almost 30 years and my husband has never called me names or told me to fuck off-I have called him a name four times in the heat of an argument, but never told him to fuck off. Believe me I'm not perfect t or easy to live with but we love and respect one another. You deserve that and most importantly your daughter does as well. Your decisions affect her

OP, this situation won’t improve. You and your H very clearly have different parenting methods, and they are poles apart.

I left my DD’s father when she was 9, a large factor of the spilt was his attitude to parenting. Parents need to be at least willing to meet halfway. Children need stability, and a show of unity from their parents.

Your daughter is a teen, and believe me, her attitude, back chatting, general teen behaviours are a long way (years) from improving. She is looking to you, her mother, for guidance. She will learn from you about healthy relationships. Please show her, that it is ok to walk away. No one needs to accept less than the basics of loving, non toxic relationship.

In answer to your post, no, DP had never been anything less than kind and loving to both DD and I. She adores him, as does he her. If that wasn’t present, I wouldn’t be his partner. It’s not all rosy all of the time, but the basic human decency is there.

@ParryHotter85

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

No. Never. We disagree about stuff. Either one of us might mutter 'Oh FFS' under our breath. But then we'll discuss whatever the issue was. And apologise if either of us needs to.

@Shallysally

OP, this situation won’t improve. You and your H very clearly have different parenting methods, and they are poles apart.

I left my DD’s father when she was 9, a large factor of the spilt was his attitude to parenting. Parents need to be at least willing to meet halfway. Children need stability, and a show of unity from their parents.

Your daughter is a teen, and believe me, her attitude, back chatting, general teen behaviours are a long way (years) from improving. She is looking to you, her mother, for guidance. She will learn from you about healthy relationships. Please show her, that it is ok to walk away. No one needs to accept less than the basics of loving, non toxic relationship.

In answer to your post, no, DP had never been anything less than kind and loving to both DD and I. She adores him, as does he her. If that wasn’t present, I wouldn’t be his partner. It’s not all rosy all of the time, but the basic human decency is there.

Thank you for this. I know I’ve noticed a change in her a couple of months after high school started and I know after only one year I’ve got years of it yet.

We are poles apart on parenting, I feel he is absolutely way to strict and loses his temper whereas he feels I am way to strict and do not discipline her whatsoever.

They do have periods of time were they have fun and get along and want to do things together but unfortunately the shouting and the arguments are outweighing anything good.

I would never want any man to speak to her in a derogatory way or ever tell her to fuck off however I am allowing that to happen to me.

@titchy And that is a normal marriage. However mine isn’t.

When he told me to fuck off to my mums I stated there is two of us obviously me and my DD and that means packing both of us up to stay in one bedroom at my mums when he is just one person. He didn’t care.

My mother's husband was like this. Use to shout. Think we were terrible children whilst he sat and smoked all day watching tv. I got the silent treatment for about 8 weeks for some minor mister meaner.

I'm nearly 50 now. 40 years he has been with my mother.

My sister and I both left home at 18.

We both have had terrible relationships since. Tolerating abusive men. Because that is what we learnt. To be submissive. And subservient etc.

I've now Been single for 4 years and I don't plan to change that whilst the children are still at home. They aren't going to see me in a bad relationship again. I talk openly with them about being able to say no. And have respect for their opinions. Thoughts and body awareness. Etc. I hope I'm able to give them a different future than mine.

[quote ParryHotter85]@titchy And that is a normal marriage. However mine isn’t.

When he told me to fuck off to my mums I stated there is two of us obviously me and my DD and that means packing both of us up to stay in one bedroom at my mums when he is just one person. He didn’t care.[/quote]
How did he persuade you back after this OP? You need to think back over it to stop it happening again.

Won't be long until he hurts, abuses her or worse. Drop him like a hot brick ffs OP. I cannot fathom why you would allow ANYONE to treat your child that way! Get some backbone.

@ParryHotter85, if the soft stuff is not outweighing the rubbish of a relationship, then you need to do what is right for you and end things. You deserve better, even if that means being alone.

Does your DD consider your H as her father? If so, then consider them still having contact, if that is what she wants, should you choose to end the relationship and when things have settled down.

I would never want any man to speak to her in a derogatory way or ever tell her to fuck off however I am allowing that to happen to me.

Then show her, demonstrate this by your actions.

@youvegottenminuteslynn No this was after the incident in the shop with the family member, which still nothing has been done about.

[quote ParryHotter85]@youvegottenminuteslynn No this was after the incident in the shop with the family member, which still nothing has been done about.[/quote]
The time you threatened to leave and he said good luck finding anybody else who will put up with DD - what happened after that to convince you to stay?

@Lachimolala

With all due respect but you meet all the thresholds of intervention from SS, if your file landed on my desk I wouldn’t be happy to leave your DD in your care.

You seem to have no concept of safeguarding? This man has a nearly adult son who is terrified of him, he emotionally abuses you and your daughter, his family assault you, the threat of physical violence from him towards your daughter is present.

To be blunt what the hell are you playing at? Dump this man, put your daughter first. Make plans to leave ASAP. I truly believe your daughter (and you) are not safe with this thug.

Sorry??? I dont think I do. That is a ridiculous comment I am not a bad mum. Yes we have different parenting views, yes he’s gone over the top and shouted at her, yes I agree this isn’t normal behaviour but she is not unsafe in my care.

How god damn dare you? In fact when she does sleep out she wants to come home to her Mum, who loves and cares for her. Dont comment on my thread again because I am already feeling extremely low and have spent two days in tears. I have made plans today to leave.
Please dont comment again because the last thing I need is that kind of talk. You are going to send me over the edge.

@youvegottenminuteslynn ahhh okay, yes that was the time he promised to seek help for his anger.

[quote ParryHotter85]@youvegottenminuteslynn ahhh okay, yes that was the time he promised to seek help for his anger.[/quote]
He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He knows you're a survivor of physical abuse and does something aggressive (shouting) repeatedly regardless. He does this to women and children because he hasn't got an anger problem as such, he's got a problem with women and children challenging him as he believes they are beneath him.

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

Please hear me when I say this - if you allowed him to smack her, he would. That's the kind of man you're dealing with. He thinks it would be appropriate and proportionate to smack / hit a child.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

Imagine how scary it is when an adult male 'loses his shit' at you shouting. Remember how anxious and nervous you said it makes YOU feel when he does it to you? She is younger, smaller, more vulnerable and unable to remove herself from the situation in the way an adult can. Please try to sit with that for a minute. Think about how scary that is and going to bed that night knowing that the man who frightened her, lost his shit at her etc is still in the same house - probably in the same bed as her mum. Sit with the pain of that to let it power you to follow through leaving him.

13 year old girls are so vulnerable. This age is so shaping for her when it comes to relationship modelling.

All of that hurts because I know it must feel awful that you've continued to expose her to that but I think that sitting with guilt for a minute and acknowledging it means we feel able to do something to change things rather than pushing it to one side and ignoring it.

Like I said, you say he makes you feel nervous and anxious when he shouts at you. Imagine you are your daughter and think how she feels when it's her.