Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

OP you don't seem to get that your DD is a child. She doesn't get to choose who she lives with and this man is abusing her. If you let this happen then you are condoning it.

I agree with PP, he only sounds slightly better than the abusive Ex. Was your upbringing normal because your perspective on normal family behaviour isn't?

ParryHotter85 it was resolved although I was always anxious if I wasnt around, my DS knew I wouldnt tolerate my DH being an ass so used it to his advantage. However once we got over the teenage years they get on really well. It was hard and I have to say for me I kept having to second guess myself as I was worried I was being over protective of my eldest, but I am glad I took the stance as my DH understood i wasnt putting up with it so he backed off

My mum used to say she 'had had a word with him and he now understands' - she is still with him to this day. I know I am projecting here but although I do now have a good relationship with my Mum at 40, I felt incredibly angry for quite some time that she did not remove me from that situation.

You shouldnt' need to be explaining to him that he shouldn't be doing/saying this or that, he isn't a good choice.

I wouldn’t stay with a man who shouted at my children. Your daughter needs to know that she comes first, all the time.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

You feel that way and you're an adult who can leave. Imagine how your daughter feels.

This is the second abusive home she's been in now. Surely it's time to put her wellbeing first over this man, who frankly sounds like an absolute cunt.

Bet he doesn't shout at men bigger than him like that. Just women and children. Pathetic.

How can you even consider staying with someone who shouts at your daughter and bullies her?

And as for this "He said to her the other day you are a cheeky little get and a naughty girl and she retaliated by saying “your own son is scared of you.”

Good on her. Does the fact his son is scared of him too not tell you everything you need to know?

Good men don't make children frightened of them. He's not a good man. He's not a good partner.

You're showing your daughter that this is what a normal, healthy home is like. And it really, really isn't.

I love her more than anything she is my world

She won't feel that's true because you're with someone who shouts at her and is a bully. Who scares his own kids too.

How could she feel you love her more than anything? I know that hurts to hear but can you see how that must feel for her?

You say you went ballistic at him. That you always stand up for her... but you're still with him aren't you? In a home where your daughter feels unsettled and on edge. Where she gets shouted at by a man presumably bigger and stronger than her. Who her mum stays with despite that.

You love her more than anything? Leave her bully then. Actions speak louder than words.

He’s does help doing a lot of the washing and chores etc but to me, life is too short to be getting really annoyed over trivial things.

Also FYI this isn't him 'helping' it's him just doing jobs that need doing in his own home. Unless you think women should by default do the washing and chores, he's just doing what he should when it comes to washing and chores - just like you. He doesn't get extra credit and isn't any less shit of a partner for doing his fair share of chores just because he has a penis.

@Micemakingclothes

*She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that*

This is just chilling. Your daughter is being abused by your spouse and your reaction is to tell her how much stress it is causing you and that she needs to get along with him.

He doesn’t have to hit her to be abusive. 13 year olds and dirty looks are pretty much like bread and butter. If the parent is perceived as unreasonable they are practically mandatory and face it, sometimes we are perceived as unreasonable and sometimes we actually are. Kids are allowed to have emotions.

You are teaching your daughter that she is responsible for her step father’s behavior. It’s incredibly damaging and could set her on a lifelong path of really horrific relationships. You have to stop this now. Today. Right this minute. She is already 13. You don’t actually have that much time left to fix this.

I didn’t word it very well. My reaction wasn’t that just she needs to get along with him I lost it with him I really did and told him never ever to speak to her like that ever again.

The background of it is, they are always constantly bickering etc with each other and its draining it really is and I am constantly in the middle, him telling me I don’t discipline her enough and my DD telling me he’s always moaning at her.

That’s what I meant about being at loggerheads not this particular incident.

I understand 13 year olds and dirty looks go hand in hand believe me. She is not responsible for him behaving like that and I told her so.

@MoreAloneTime

OP you don't seem to get that your DD is a child. She doesn't get to choose who she lives with and this man is abusing her. If you let this happen then you are condoning it.

I agree with PP, he only sounds slightly better than the abusive Ex. Was your upbringing normal because your perspective on normal family behaviour isn't?

Yes my upbringing was extremely normal. Mum and Dad still together.

I cant even think straight. Maybe because I was with DD’s dad for years then into this one I thought it was normal for step parents to sometimes not get along. I dont mean the said incident I know thats not right

She is not responsible for him behaving like that and I told her so.

Correct. Women and children are not responsible for moderating the behaviour of men in their lives.

Parents are, however, responsible for creating a healthy and non abusive environment for their children.

I know it hurts to hear as you've been in an abusive relationship before but your daughter lives in an abusive home now. At 15. With a man whose own children are scared of him - something you agree is true.

How is it ok in any way to stay with a man whose own children are frightened of him, who shouts at your daughter and shouts at you?

Thank you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She is not responsible for him behaving like that and I told her so.

Correct. Women and children are not responsible for moderating the behaviour of men in their lives.

Parents are, however, responsible for creating a healthy and non abusive environment for their children.

I know it hurts to hear as you've been in an abusive relationship before but your daughter lives in an abusive home now. At 15. With a man whose own children are scared of him - something you agree is true.

How is it ok in any way to stay with a man whose own children are frightened of him, who shouts at your daughter and shouts at you?

I dont know. Im in tears here. Its not right is it?

How has this become my normal?

I vowed I would never let another man put his hands on me again ever and I haven’t I nearly ended up having a nervous breakdown and to be honest I didn’t know that what I’m living with is emotional abuse.

My DD honestly is my life, when he shouted at her I saw red. I cannot let that happen again. Ever.

Shouting at me isn’t normal either. I realise that now.

You say you’re glad she didn’t see the abuse from her dad but she’s experiencing and seeing abuse regularly now. It’s so so so damaging, OP. And what will you say to her when her boyfriend screams at her over trivial things? She won’t leave because you didn’t.

You need to leave.

You need to speak to someone to try and process what's happened in your life and reset your perspective on normal here.

@MoreAloneTime

You need to speak to someone to try and process what's happened in your life and reset your perspective on normal here.

Who do I speak to? Because seriously I'm really low right now and cannot believe I've let myself and my child go through this.

@Mixmeup

You say you’re glad she didn’t see the abuse from her dad but she’s experiencing and seeing abuse regularly now. It’s so so so damaging, OP. And what will you say to her when her boyfriend screams at her over trivial things? She won’t leave because you didn’t.

You need to leave.

Because shouting is emotional abuse? I see a lot of my friends and their partners telling their children off. Maybe that's why I have thought that's what happens when children misbehave although I dont do that with my DD.

@Mixmeup

You say you’re glad she didn’t see the abuse from her dad but she’s experiencing and seeing abuse regularly now. It’s so so so damaging, OP. And what will you say to her when her boyfriend screams at her over trivial things? She won’t leave because you didn’t.

You need to leave.

I'm sorry you're in tears but this post is spot on.

Being shouted over trivial matters, by someone bigger and stronger, is being normalised to her.

In a relationship, if a boyfriend, who is bigger and stronger (not that size matters but it's another element of intimidation and how utterly pathetic your 'partner' is for bullying a child who is smaller and weaker physically) shouts at her what would you tell her to do?

Do that yourself.

You are normalising abuse by tolerating it. No amount of 'he shouldn't have done that' being said to her makes you for the fact you haven't left him.

He shouts at you too, you said.

He's a bully. A coward. A misogynist who picks on women and girls who he sees as lesser than him.

I can't imagine wanting to spend my life with him regardless of a child, but the fact you have a daughter at such a pivotal age when it comes to relationships and boundaries makes this even more awful.

I grew up in a home very similar to your husband and it was abusive but I do not use it as an excuse to bully those I love. When I have yelled or done things as a parent when pushed past my limit I have apologized and modified my behavior-I'm no Saint, believe me, but yelling like he does all the time? That's not on at all. When do you yell like that? When there's an emergency (like a fire!)
You can seek counseling through the Freedom Programme

Your daughter is at a very vulnerable age which how she grows up will influence how she has future relationships with men.

It is unacceptable for your husband to be yelling at your daughter. I think you realise this, which is an important step. You need support here, and you need to prioritise your daughter over your husband.

You need help - start with your GP who can refer you on, your daughter needs help with a safe and impartial support system, and your husband needs help to relearn behaviours.

If your husband refuses to change his behaviours/seek therapy, would you consider leaving him? It sounds like his behaviours are also significantly impacting on your life.

You need to stop trying to explain the situation and kick him out, tbh. He’s scum.

Break up with him.

Yes he does moan and shout at me for trivial matters.

He moans a lot about money too. Asking me what Ive spent and saying I 'waste money' which I dont.

Because shouting is emotional abuse? I see a lot of my friends and their partners telling their children off. Maybe that's why I have thought that's what happens when children misbehave although I dont do that with my DD.

Firstly, she isn't his child so not comparable to parents disciplining their own children.

But even disregarding that NO it's not normal to shout about trivial things, at all.

His child is frightened of him. Really let that sink in. His own child. Scared of his dad. Poor little thing.

He's stuck with him as a dad. Your daughter shouldn't be stuck with him as a step dad.

@EKGEMS

I grew up in a home very similar to your husband and it was abusive but I do not use it as an excuse to bully those I love. When I have yelled or done things as a parent when pushed past my limit I have apologized and modified my behavior-I'm no Saint, believe me, but yelling like he does all the time? That's not on at all. When do you yell like that? When there's an emergency (like a fire!) You can seek counseling through the Freedom Programme

Thank you I will look into that right away.

@YellowMonday

Your daughter is at a very vulnerable age which how she grows up will influence how she has future relationships with men.

It is unacceptable for your husband to be yelling at your daughter. I think you realise this, which is an important step. You need support here, and you need to prioritise your daughter over your husband.

You need help - start with your GP who can refer you on, your daughter needs help with a safe and impartial support system, and your husband needs help to relearn behaviours.

If your husband refuses to change his behaviours/seek therapy, would you consider leaving him? It sounds like his behaviours are also significantly impacting on your life.

Absolutely. I would consider leaving him for the sake of my daughter. No question. Do you think sitting with my daughter and having an honest conversation with how she feels just me and her?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Because shouting is emotional abuse? I see a lot of my friends and their partners telling their children off. Maybe that's why I have thought that's what happens when children misbehave although I dont do that with my DD.

Firstly, she isn't his child so not comparable to parents disciplining their own children.

But even disregarding that NO it's not normal to shout about trivial things, at all.

His child is frightened of him. Really let that sink in. His own child. Scared of his dad. Poor little thing.

He's stuck with him as a dad. Your daughter shouldn't be stuck with him as a step dad.

When I've approached him about his behaviour and try to tell him its unacceptable and disgusting his response always is "right okay" "right okay" "right okay" over and over and over again.

He doesn't listen and will not have an adult conversation about it.

I would consider leaving him for the sake of my daughter. No question. Do you think sitting with my daughter and having an honest conversation with how she feels just me and her?

You'd 'consider' leaving? You need a wake up call and I'm worried it's going to be your daughter who has to suffer in order for that to happen.

Do not put the decision of whether or not you stay with him onto your daughter.

Decide if you want to be with a man who has children who are scared of him, who shouts at you, who shouts at your daughter and who is abusive.

Then tell her you've decided the relationship is totally unhealthy, apologise for not addressing it sooner and follow through.

Discussing his behaviour with her if you aren't going to leave seems rather pointless doesn't it? She will say yes I hate that he shouts at us, it means I don't enjoy being at home and I wish it was just us. You'll say you'll talk to him and then say they 'made friends'.

It's your responsibility to make a call on what is healthy for your daughter to be exposed to. You know this isn't healthy, so the onus is on you to leave. Not on her to discuss adult matters with you.