Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

I had a step father who demanded respect in this way. he was an utter dickhead and bully. It culminated in him losing his shit with me one day and he ended up putting me up against a wall by my throat, and pushing me over the dining room table. I left home as soon as I was able to and it took me a long time to forgive my mum for not leaving him and putting me and my brother first.

Don't let him bully her, put your children first.

@Justcallmebebes

Your daughter is 13. He's a grown adult. You need to be safe guarding your daughter who you say has already witnessed you being in an abusive relationship.

13 years olds can push you to the very limit. If he doesn't realise that and adjust his behaviour accordingly, you need to put your daughter first and get rid

She didn’t witness it for which I am forever grateful, Ieft whilst she was a baby.

I know her behaviour at the moment is challenging, its challenging for me as she is becoming a teen but so is his

The difference being he is the adult and she is a teenager with all the attendant changes in mind and body that come with it.

Being a teen can be incredibly hard and the last thing she needs is some larger than life arsehole stepfather shouting at her because he didn't like the way she looked at him (ffs)

I would never ever allow him to raise a hand to her ever, but I know exactly what you are saying I known it’s wrong and that’s why I came here looking for advice.

But surely 4 or 5 years ago you would have said you'd never let him shout and scream at her over trivial matters and make her feel unsafe in her own home. Everytime he picks on her she will (rightly so) retaliate. He is domineering and trying to grind down her spirit and get her to bend to his will. Calling her a 'silly little girl'? He is a patronising and out of touch prick. He must make your everyday lives so miserable and grey.

You’ve got a shit taste in men

Well, he screams at your daughter, implies he thinks she should be smacked, and ignores you when you say you’re not happy about it. He sounds awful. Your daughter says even his own son is scared of him.

On the upside, at least your daughter seems aware this isn’t how she should be treated, and is able to stand up for herself, even though really you should be doing it.

Christ in a bike. I can't believe what I've read here. This kid is 12 years old and she must feel friendless and vunerable. Who is on her side ? A typical child abuse situation which you don't seem to understand mum. Get rid of DH/SD asap and love your daughter into her teens.

@CanofCant

I would never ever allow him to raise a hand to her ever, but I know exactly what you are saying I known it’s wrong and that’s why I came here looking for advice.

But surely 4 or 5 years ago you would have said you'd never let him shout and scream at her over trivial matters and make her feel unsafe in her own home. Everytime he picks on her she will (rightly so) retaliate. He is domineering and trying to grind down her spirit and get her to bend to his will. Calling her a 'silly little girl'? He is a patronising and out of touch prick. He must make your everyday lives so miserable and grey.

Listen and I mean it when I say it, I would never ever let him raise a hand to her, I dont raise my hand to her and never have done. I would kick the living shit out of him.

I know the situation is wrong what he did screaming at her, I know her behaviour can be challenging as can all teens and I know she didn’t deserve that and I lost it with him. Yes to me, I think his son is fearful of him, that’s my honest answer

Also, please don’t tell your daughter ‘them both being at loggerheads’ is hurting you. She isn’t at loggerheads, that implies an equal argument, she’s just being bullied by your partner.

@TacCat49

Christ in a bike. I can't believe what I've read here. This kid is 12 years old and she must feel friendless and vunerable. Who is on her side ? A typical child abuse situation which you don't seem to understand mum. Get rid of DH/SD asap and love your daughter into her teens.

I love her more than anything in the world dont make out that I don’t understand and believe me I went mental at him and told him not to try and discipline her again.

Op, my dp is not my children's father I have a teenage daughter and younger son.

If he ever spoke to them like that or tried to scare them, or told me they should be physically assaulted, it would be done.

You say you won't let him raise a hand to her. How? If you didn't expect him to hit her what are the chances you can stop it that first time. Do you get what I am saying?

You may be able to stop it happening more than once but chances are you won't be able to stop the first one.

You may love your dd very much. But at some point, this will cause a rift in your relationship. That you are letting a man emotionally abuse her in her home....so you can stay married to him.

@Kanaloa

Well, he screams at your daughter, implies he thinks she should be smacked, and ignores you when you say you’re not happy about it. He sounds awful. Your daughter says even his own son is scared of him.

On the upside, at least your daughter seems aware this isn’t how she should be treated, and is able to stand up for herself, even though really you should be doing it.

I am sticking up for her and I dont know how many times I have to keep saying I went ballistic at him over this.

I love her more than anything in the world dont make out that I don’t understand and believe me I went mental at him and told him not to try and discipline her again.

Then don't let him abuse her.

Do you really think he isn't going to do this again because you told him not to?

If it was that simple you would have told this the first time it happened and it would not have happened again. You wouldn't be posting here if it was so simple.

@Kanaloa

Also, please don’t tell your daughter ‘them both being at loggerheads’ is hurting you. She isn’t at loggerheads, that implies an equal argument, she’s just being bullied by your partner.

No there have been times when they are both just disagreeing with each other over everything. Not just this particular incident.

Your poor daughter is living in a battle zone.

It doesn’t matter that she is contrary and argumentative. She’s thirteen years old for Christ’s sake. There’s no such thing as an equal argument between a grown man screaming and a little girl. He’s supposed to be the bigger person, how is she supposed to learn conflict management with him as a role model? It’s not a ‘takes two to tango’ situation.

But how can you predict if or when he will hit her? As pp said, you won't expect it. What if it starts with a shove while you aren't there? She knows if she tells you that you will be upset, what if this prevents her from getting help? Obviously this is not what you want to hear but can you see how it could escalate and how little control you really have over his actions?

And he shouts at you as well even though you’ve told him it makes you anxious! What kind of relationship do you think that’s modelling to your daughter? Oh men shout at me and mum and scare us, I suppose that must be what boyfriends do.

Exactly, it kicked off with me and my stepdad when my Mum was out. He could have killed me.

All I can say is I have gone through similar with my eldest DS. My DH has been in his life since he was 4, prided himself on being my DS father figure. However it became clear the difference between his behaviour towards my DS and our younger DC. He would argue saying he isnt treating them differently , its just that they are alot younger. However it became obvious when my DS hit teenage years. Instead of DH seeing himself as a father he ended up viewing my DS as competition for man of the house, he would talk to me about my DS behaviour as if he was a stranger off the street. I told him that under no circumstances was he bullying my DC or trying to exert himself as the main man. If he wanted to behave like that he could leave but from here on in parenting of my eldest would be left to me. It was really awful and I was sad at the change but as I said to my DH this is when it has become obvious that my eldest isnt biologically yours as the behaviour was just shocking.

@mynameisbrian

All I can say is I have gone through similar with my eldest DS. My DH has been in his life since he was 4, prided himself on being my DS father figure. However it became clear the difference between his behaviour towards my DS and our younger DC. He would argue saying he isnt treating them differently , its just that they are alot younger. However it became obvious when my DS hit teenage years. Instead of DH seeing himself as a father he ended up viewing my DS as competition for man of the house, he would talk to me about my DS behaviour as if he was a stranger off the street. I told him that under no circumstances was he bullying my DC or trying to exert himself as the main man. If he wanted to behave like that he could leave but from here on in parenting of my eldest would be left to me. It was really awful and I was sad at the change but as I said to my DH this is when it has become obvious that my eldest isnt biologically yours as the behaviour was just shocking.

And what happened? After that did it resolve or did you leave the relationship?

I don't doubt for one moment that you don't love your DD. But all this ranting and raving isn't good for anyone. You shouldn't have to shout to stand up for her rights and being emotionally abused. Can you get him out of the house so you and DD can reset your relationship? Some adolescent counselling wouldn't go amiss. Is it worth talking to the school counsellors?

*She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that*

This is just chilling. Your daughter is being abused by your spouse and your reaction is to tell her how much stress it is causing you and that she needs to get along with him.

He doesn’t have to hit her to be abusive. 13 year olds and dirty looks are pretty much like bread and butter. If the parent is perceived as unreasonable they are practically mandatory and face it, sometimes we are perceived as unreasonable and sometimes we actually are. Kids are allowed to have emotions.

You are teaching your daughter that she is responsible for her step father’s behavior. It’s incredibly damaging and could set her on a lifelong path of really horrific relationships. You have to stop this now. Today. Right this minute. She is already 13. You don’t actually have that much time left to fix this.

I am sticking up for her and I dont know how many times I have to keep saying I went ballistic at him over this.

You shouldn't have to. But also, that means it's already happened. 'Going ballistic' at him after the fact, is good. But he has already stepped over the line.

And I am sure you have gone ballistic at him before. But he has done it again.

Do you get what people are saying? You shouldn't have to do that. She shouldn't have to be on the receiving end of his bullshit. And then have you step in.

@Nextchapterofmybook

You’ve got a shit taste in men

and you are too blunt for no reason. The op has already said shes feeling low about this. And you kick her when shes down sure