Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I tried to address that with him that she gave him a dirty look? That’s it she’s a child! His response was well I’m an adult she shouldn’t be doing that.

[quote ParryHotter85]@youvegottenminuteslynn I tried to address that with him that she gave him a dirty look? That’s it she’s a child! His response was well I’m an adult she shouldn’t be doing that.[/quote]
But you stayed, again.

Do you feel able to do this:

Imagine how scary it is when an adult male 'loses his shit' at you shouting. Remember how anxious and nervous you said it makes YOU feel when he does it to you? She is younger, smaller, more vulnerable and unable to remove herself from the situation in the way an adult can. Please try to sit with that for a minute. Think about how scary that is and going to bed that night knowing that the man who frightened her, lost his shit at her etc is still in the same house - probably in the same bed as her mum. Sit with the pain of that to let it power you to follow through leaving him.

To be clear I reposted that because your response was 'I said xyz' and 'he said xyz' but I don't think anyone is legitimately sitting and thinking over how scary that experience is for a child. While you think about her experience when he shouts, consider how bad his behaviour has been in the past that his 17 year old son (bigger and stronger than your DD) is scared of him too.

Without referring to your words to him or his reply, can you describe how it must feel for her to experience that and then go to bed that night knowing he's still there and probably even sharing a bed with you?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I can see how scary this must be for my little girl. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack a nervous breakdown or both. I need to stop now. Thanks for all your responses.

[quote ParryHotter85]@youvegottenminuteslynn I can see how scary this must be for my little girl. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack a nervous breakdown or both. I need to stop now. Thanks for all your responses.[/quote]
Please let the pain of this stuff fuel you to make a change for her so she doesn't have to live with someone she is scared of.

You could have a lovely, calm, fun home with her full of love and laughter.

Good luck

@ParryHotter85

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

No. Never. Not in 23 years of marriage. It's absolutely not normal. Not at all.

@ParryHotter85

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

No, not once.

My father did though. All the time. The man was an abusive bastard. He never laid a hand on me, he didn’t have to hit us to torture us.

Just popped back to see how you’re doing OP. Sorry that you’ve had a (presumably) post that is derogatory toward you.

You’ve come here to seek support. Keep posting of you feel able. Hope you have some RL support also

He shouts a lot.

Is this really the role model you want for your DD? No wonder she acts up a bit.

Have you thought about how lovely it would be to get rid of the shouty man?

Don't live with someone whose behaviour sends you ballistic and then .... nothing happens.

Wouldn't be with any man who spoke to my child like that. My child comes before any other relationship, no questions.

@ParryHotter85

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

No it'd be the last thing he ever did if he tried it.

Good luck OP. I know you've had some harsh responses in here; I can understand why but equally I know it's very difficult to extricate yourself from these situations, and to question if someone is being 'strict' or crossing over into abuse.

If it helps to make sense of it, look up the four parenting styles - his is authoritarian, which is the old school strict/shout/punish. These days it's a style used by people who are insecure in their approach and the focus is on the parent (I'm angry! I'm scared for your future! I'm direspected! I can't lose face!) - the focus isnt on guiding the child.

One of the difficulties in identifying this is it's easy for him to dress it up as 'tough love' and to criticise you for being 'soft', as though providing love, nurture and understanding is a weakness.

Look up passive parenting, and authoritative parenting. The former is 'soft'. The latter is a balance. More importantly, it's effective.

Don't be drawn into his 'respect' bullshit. It's fragile male ego talking and neither you nor your daughter have to put up with it.

She only has one mother and one childhood. Protect her. Take her out of this situation.

I can’t even describe how depressing it is to see pretty much daily posts made by women who are putting their kids future adrenal systems and mental health in the shitter to facilitate their sex lives, literally sub human scum excuse for males being moved into kids houses and lives, for no fuckin reason . I can’t get my head round it. I can’t bring myself to type the same response I always type on shit like this, about how I don’t bother with my mother now, as an adult, just as she didn’t bother to keep me safe as a kid, same as thousands of other victims of child abuse.

Good luck to your kid, OP.

@NowEvenBetter you make it clear that your anger stems from your mother failing to protect you. It's shit, and I get that. But do you look back at what has happened and think 'if only one more person told her that she's a shit parent prioritising her own sex life things would have been different?
Because if the answer is no, think about finding another outlet for your anger. Because berating a parent who is trying to get their head around leaving a situation like this doesn't help - it actually makes them MORE likely to stay/freeze/apologise/doubt

I don't expect you in your circs to have sympathy for the OP, but consider the impact your venting is having on what is presumably, someone's real life, and if they're seeking support on the internet, presumably someone who doesn't have much alternative support.

@ParryHotter85

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through such a tough time and I'm glad you are planning on taking you both out of this awful situation.

I have made plans today to leave.

Stay strong and stay safe on leaving. Make sure you take any small sentimental items and important documents when you go (eg: passports, marriage certificate, financial papers, copies of his financials including bank accounts, pensions etc) in case you are unable to come back to your home for a while. Ensure your daughter takes items that are of value to her, for the same reason. Ensure your funds are safe - ie change your banking passwords, transfer half of money from any joint account into your own personal bank account he cannot access.

Also look at what benefits you might be entitled to (www.entitledto.co.uk) and maybe also speak to Women's Aid about next steps, legal assistance etc. You can read about them here: www.womensaid.org.uk/. They can sometimes be hard to get hold of but do try.

Good luck OP. 🌹

I was treated much like this by my stepfather. He didn’t like me because I wasn’t his biological child so he always held me to a higher behavioural standard than his kids. He would monitor my every move, intimidate me and generally run me down with his endless comments. His horribleness peaked around 11-16.
He crushed my self esteem. I moved out at 18 and sunk into a deep depression due to the grief of knowing my childhood was over and it had been shit. I ended up in a crappy relationship with another controlling man. I have managed to somewhat get my life back on track but I’ve never achieved all that I was capable of.
The person I am most hurt by though is my mother, who chose to stay rather than take control of the situation and protect me.

Lachimolala apologies in that case. These threads can get a bit heated and was concerned re the OP

Please get your DD out of this you are her mother and need to protect her.
My friends exH HATED her daughter and made it really really clear and the poor girl lived there for 9 years.
She now is a grownup but not only hates her ex step father but has a very difficult relationship with her mother as well.

@Shallysally

Lachimolala apologies in that case. These threads can get a bit heated and was concerned re the OP

It was not a very nice comment and it has been removed as it was getting extremely personal.

As someone who is already having an extremely hard time and feels close to breakdown, I have asked that said poster not to post on my thread and the said comments have been removed.

He doesn't have to physically hit her to cause her worry and suffering. My father never raised a hand to me but he made my life hell by shouting, making me feel I was bad all the time. Also making me feel unwelcome in my own home and constantly nagging my mother that I wasn't disciplined enough when really it was his erratic behaviour that was causing the problem. This level of emotional abuse is unacceptable and her behaviour is probably because she is fed up of being victimised in her own home! Get rid of him or else you will lose her and become the shitty mother that let her boyfriend ruin your relationship with your child!

@Mousemay

He doesn't have to physically hit her to cause her worry and suffering. My father never raised a hand to me but he made my life hell by shouting, making me feel I was bad all the time. Also making me feel unwelcome in my own home and constantly nagging my mother that I wasn't disciplined enough when really it was his erratic behaviour that was causing the problem. This level of emotional abuse is unacceptable and her behaviour is probably because she is fed up of being victimised in her own home! Get rid of him or else you will lose her and become the shitty mother that let her boyfriend ruin your relationship with your child!

I already have done. Sometimes when your in the thick of things and it becomes your new normal your judgement can get clouded.

The first step is recognise the behaviour which is what you have done so well done for that. I appreciate its very difficult for you but you have the choice to put up with his behaviour but she doesn't so you need to take the necessary steps to protect her which I think you will do. I wish you both all the best. You will one day be happier for it and he will never change. He will be someone else's problem sadly!