Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

@Mousemay

The first step is recognise the behaviour which is what you have done so well done for that. I appreciate its very difficult for you but you have the choice to put up with his behaviour but she doesn't so you need to take the necessary steps to protect her which I think you will do. I wish you both all the best. You will one day be happier for it and he will never change. He will be someone else's problem sadly!

This is exactly the realisation that I had and last night it hit me like a steam train causing me to have a severe panic attack.

I do have a choice whereas she does not, she goes off my judgement what I think is right for us both, and unfortunately, this marriage was not.

I recommend that you be responsible for all discipline for your DD. If he has a problem with her behaviour, he can ask her politely to do a specific thing, but he should come to you. It will be annoying stuck in the middle, but it's the best way.

Look we all make mistakes and it takes a while to see straight but you have had your eyes open. Get out and then sit her down and explain that you left because she deserved better and you weren't going to let anyone treat her like that and honestly if my mother had done that it would of went a long way to repair any damage already done. I can see you love her and she will appreciate what you have done to keep her safe. Do it for yourself to. Sit at night and enjoy ur peace and quiet without the threat of someone else's mood hanging over you. Pull all your strength and you will get through this! He has reduced you to being called a bad mother etc by strangers on the internet when I'm sure your far from it. Use that to draw strength to do what you have to.

@Mousemay

Look we all make mistakes and it takes a while to see straight but you have had your eyes open. Get out and then sit her down and explain that you left because she deserved better and you weren't going to let anyone treat her like that and honestly if my mother had done that it would of went a long way to repair any damage already done. I can see you love her and she will appreciate what you have done to keep her safe. Do it for yourself to. Sit at night and enjoy ur peace and quiet without the threat of someone else's mood hanging over you. Pull all your strength and you will get through this! He has reduced you to being called a bad mother etc by strangers on the internet when I'm sure your far from it. Use that to draw strength to do what you have to.

Thanks. I don't take the comments about me being a bad mother personally as they don't know me and my daughter. We are like best friends, we are extremely close, she knows she is loved, I tell her to every single day and more. When she isn't at home she rings me to come home, she has said to me her step-dad over reacts and sometimes she feels like saying things back to him but she doesn't as she doesn't want to het told off. She does fabulously at school, she is well fed, clothed and I love her more than anything.

Yes my husband obviously has some issues with his temper etc, which he will need to address or not in his own time. But he was never like this when she was younger, only as she has started to hit her teen years.

We are poles apart on parenting/discipline. I've never raised my hand to her and never will and neither has he, but, I also don't agree with shouting and screaming. I certainly dont like it and she doesn't either.
Therefore my decision as her mother will be to do whats best for both of us, which is to no longer be an environment like we have been.

What's the plan then?

Do you own or rent current house? Do you work? Do you have savings etc.

Can we help you figure things out for the practical side of leaving/having him leave?

OP when you are in an abusive relationship,you exist in a fog, your brain blots the reality out. Please do continue with your plans to leave and I can promise that you will never look back, take it from someone who has been there ( along with lots of these PPs). You can't stop his temper when he's yelling at you both, why on earth do you imagine you could stop him getting physical?
A worker at WA said to me, you do realise that man you loved at first is never coming back, he doesn't exist..this is the real version of him. It was like a light coming on. I left. Please do the same, you both deserve better.

@Shallysally

Lachimolala apologies in that case. These threads can get a bit heated and was concerned re the OP

I’m happy to PM what I wrote if that clears things up @Shallysally I’ve reached out to Mumsnet (haven’t heard back yet) as to why my comment was removed. It was far more honest and reasonable than many others on here, the OP seems to have taken a real dislike to me I think that explains why it was removed.

From someone who was the step daughter to a man who treated me like absolute shit (and my mum for that matter) this is how it ended up for me. I left home as soon as I was able to, dreaded going to visit, made lots of excuses and had quite a strained relationship with my mum for years. Eventually she left him and we're like sisters now but being in that situation and being screamed at all the time was not a nice environment to grow up in to put it mildly and I hated it. It impacted everything! And I wasn't a difficult teenager, standard moody hormonal mess that most teenage girls are! You've got to do what's best for you but even if your daughter appears fine she won't be.

@Lachimolala if you wish to PM me then that’s fine. My concern is for the OP. She is clearly distressed by some (not just your) posts. If she is in a bad place mentally and posting here for support then that is the priority

@Lachimolala I agree with everything you said for what it's worth.

I feel for you and your daughter OP but this poster had a point. You don't have to like what they said but it was indeed a valid point.

Throughout my life, if someone hasn't enhanced it, they have gone. I would recommend you do the same and bring some normality back to your home.

Just letting you know that we've removed a few posts which we felt were derailing this thread. The OP's said she's in a bad place and has come here for support. Hopefully it can get back on track now.

I hope so. If the pp is a sw it’s not portraying those services in a good light.

@Shallysally

Message withdrawn as it references a post we've deleted

I have left and taken my daughter with me and will be seeking grounds for divorce.

That's exactly what she was saying and it was making me spiral further.

He's shouted at her yes, I do not agree with it and that's why I took the decision to leave. It happened two days ago and we are already out of the situation.

She has not been physically harmed or neglected and apart from saying he goes over the top with his discipline she's okay. I've explained to her that that behaviour was not okay for anyone to shout at her and she understands.

New chapter for us.

@ParryHotter85 wishing you and your daughter well

15ParryHotter85
Congratulations. You won't know your self now you have got away from this awful man. Enjoy a happy life with your daughter. 💐🌹🌹💐🌹🌹💐🌹🌹💐🌹🌹