Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

God op the most you post the worse he sounds. It seems like you have found yourself in another abusive relationship.
I would not involve your daughter in the decision making on whether to leave or not, that is nothing something she is old or equipped enough to deal with
I really could not stay with a man whose own children were afraid of him and who shouted repeatedly at me and my children.
We are by no means the perfect parents and we all make mistakes but this is grim in the extreme.
She has a rights to feel safe and comfortable in her own home.
His own 17 year old son is afraid of him. That is simply shocking
Please please please do the freedom program, if not for your sake but for your daughters
You keep saying she is your world, time to put your money where you mouth is.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I would consider leaving him for the sake of my daughter. No question. Do you think sitting with my daughter and having an honest conversation with how she feels just me and her?

You'd 'consider' leaving? You need a wake up call and I'm worried it's going to be your daughter who has to suffer in order for that to happen.

Do not put the decision of whether or not you stay with him onto your daughter.

Decide if you want to be with a man who has children who are scared of him, who shouts at you, who shouts at your daughter and who is abusive.

Then tell her you've decided the relationship is totally unhealthy, apologise for not addressing it sooner and follow through.

Discussing his behaviour with her if you aren't going to leave seems rather pointless doesn't it? She will say yes I hate that he shouts at us, it means I don't enjoy being at home and I wish it was just us. You'll say you'll talk to him and then say they 'made friends'.

It's your responsibility to make a call on what is healthy for your daughter to be exposed to. You know this isn't healthy, so the onus is on you to leave. Not on her to discuss adult matters with you.

You put the wording consider in your post I was just answering yes I would of course consider leaving. Dont take my wording as literal I was just quoting what you said!!!!!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I would consider leaving him for the sake of my daughter. No question. Do you think sitting with my daughter and having an honest conversation with how she feels just me and her?

You'd 'consider' leaving? You need a wake up call and I'm worried it's going to be your daughter who has to suffer in order for that to happen.

Do not put the decision of whether or not you stay with him onto your daughter.

Decide if you want to be with a man who has children who are scared of him, who shouts at you, who shouts at your daughter and who is abusive.

Then tell her you've decided the relationship is totally unhealthy, apologise for not addressing it sooner and follow through.

Discussing his behaviour with her if you aren't going to leave seems rather pointless doesn't it? She will say yes I hate that he shouts at us, it means I don't enjoy being at home and I wish it was just us. You'll say you'll talk to him and then say they 'made friends'.

It's your responsibility to make a call on what is healthy for your daughter to be exposed to. You know this isn't healthy, so the onus is on you to leave. Not on her to discuss adult matters with you.

I didn't mean put the onus on my DD as to whether we should leave or not I meant just a discussion how shes been feeling etc.

Apologies. Does the rest of my post make sense though? Here it is with the line you took issue with removed:

You need a wake up call and I'm worried it's going to be your daughter who has to suffer in order for that to happen.

Do not put the decision of whether or not you stay with him onto your daughter.

Decide if you want to be with a man who has children who are scared of him, who shouts at you, who shouts at your daughter and who is abusive.

Then tell her you've decided the relationship is totally unhealthy, apologise for not addressing it sooner and follow through.

Discussing his behaviour with her if you aren't going to leave seems rather pointless doesn't it? She will say yes I hate that he shouts at us, it means I don't enjoy being at home and I wish it was just us. You'll say you'll talk to him and then say they 'made friends'.

It's your responsibility to make a call on what is healthy for your daughter to be exposed to. You know this isn't healthy, so the onus is on you to leave. Not on her to discuss adult matters with you.

He sounds really nasty. He’s made your home a miserable place and this is the example you’re giving her of what a woman should tolerate for a bloke who does a bit of housework.

My husband does plenty of housework. He’s also never ever once raised his voice at me and if he did to our child unless he was stopping her running into a busy road I’d leave him. And he’s her dad.

My previous marriage was abusive, shouting and extreme verbal abuse and threats were a daily part of my life. I swore I’d never put up with that again and I want better for my daughter than I went through.

Hopefully this thread and the very wise and insightful replies you’ve had from a lot of people are the considering bit and you decide to divorce him very quickly because you and your daughter are both worth more.

Cross posted there OP, sorry.

Of course you can talk to her about how she's feeling but I think you know how she's feeling really.

She's quite understandably sick and tired of living in a house with a man bullying her and her mum, a man who isn't even her dad.

I guess I can't get my head around how you can have stayed with him but I understand maybe the fog hasn't lifted yet.

I bet when you left your ex you would have sworn that you'd never let a man shout at your daughter and would be out of the door as soon as they did. That's why you have to leave. Because whatever you say now (you wouldn't ever let him raise a hand to her) I know you truly believe but you must have believed you'd never stay with someone who shouted at her, but you have done. That you'd never be with someone whose children were frightened of him, but you have done. The goalposts have shifted and she must feel unprotected and thrown under the bus.

I can't see any way of changing that other than leaving this arsehole.

@ParryHotter85 YES! Not at home and somewhere private, I find a drive in the car can be a great space for a deep conversation.

Be prepared for your daughter to potentially say something that isn't easy to hear or a lack of engagement. Have a think about what you want to say as you'll need to drive the conversation. I can't advise what/how the conversation should happen, but a mental health professional will be able to support you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Cross posted there OP, sorry.

Of course you can talk to her about how she's feeling but I think you know how she's feeling really.

She's quite understandably sick and tired of living in a house with a man bullying her and her mum, a man who isn't even her dad.

I guess I can't get my head around how you can have stayed with him but I understand maybe the fog hasn't lifted yet.

I bet when you left your ex you would have sworn that you'd never let a man shout at your daughter and would be out of the door as soon as they did. That's why you have to leave. Because whatever you say now (you wouldn't ever let him raise a hand to her) I know you truly believe but you must have believed you'd never stay with someone who shouted at her, but you have done. That you'd never be with someone whose children were frightened of him, but you have done. The goalposts have shifted and she must feel unprotected and thrown under the bus.

I can't see any way of changing that other than leaving this arsehole.

I threatened to leave him not long ago because we had an argument and he said "good luck with finding someone who puts up with behaviour like my DD behaves".

I threatened to leave him not long ago because we had an argument and he said "good luck with finding someone who puts up with behaviour like my DD behaves".

He hates your daughter.

You're with a man who hates your daughter.

Who thinks she should be smacked.

Who he shouts at.

Who he shit talks.

Who he bullies.

Who is wise enough at 13 to recognise his own child is frightened of him.

Where is your loyalty to your daughter? Get angry! Not to him in a big row, because he's not capable of an adult conversation. Use quiet, maternal anger to get your shit together and plan your exit.

And when you're out of this, I would apologise to your daughter and explain how much you wish you'd left sooner and that it was wrong to stay.

Imagine living with one person who is meant to protect you above all else and another person, who they choose to be with, who hates you.

Poor little mite she must dread going home and school holidays etc.

I'm honestly not trying to make you feel guilty but I am trying to make you feel accountable. You've put your daughter into this dynamic. It's up to you to get her out.

Your loyalty lies with her you say but your actions don't match up and that must be so confusing and upsetting for her.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I threatened to leave him not long ago because we had an argument and he said "good luck with finding someone who puts up with behaviour like my DD behaves".

He hates your daughter.

You're with a man who hates your daughter.

Who thinks she should be smacked.

Who he shouts at.

Who he shit talks.

Who he bullies.

Who is wise enough at 13 to recognise his own child is frightened of him.

Where is your loyalty to your daughter? Get angry! Not to him in a big row, because he's not capable of an adult conversation. Use quiet, maternal anger to get your shit together and plan your exit.

And when you're out of this, I would apologise to your daughter and explain how much you wish you'd left sooner and that it was wrong to stay.

Imagine living with one person who is meant to protect you above all else and another person, who they choose to be with, who hates you.

Poor little mite she must dread going home and school holidays etc.

I'm honestly not trying to make you feel guilty but I am trying to make you feel accountable. You've put your daughter into this dynamic. It's up to you to get her out.

Your loyalty lies with her you say but your actions don't match up and that must be so confusing and upsetting for her.

I'd be leaving him for that remark alone never mind the shouting at her.

How actual dare he speak about your daughter like that?

She is a 13 year old child. I feel so so sorry for her having to put up with shit like this. Any wonder she acts up sometimes.

You need to do something about this urgently before her whole sense of self gets destroyed completely.

She'll be on Mumsnet as an adult saying "my mother stayed with a man who put me down, called me names, belittled me, roared and shouted at me. why did my mother allow this to go on and on and on and on. what was so awful about me that he picked on me. what was so awful about me that my mum let this happen"

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I threatened to leave him not long ago because we had an argument and he said "good luck with finding someone who puts up with behaviour like my DD behaves".

He hates your daughter.

You're with a man who hates your daughter.

Who thinks she should be smacked.

Who he shouts at.

Who he shit talks.

Who he bullies.

Who is wise enough at 13 to recognise his own child is frightened of him.

Where is your loyalty to your daughter? Get angry! Not to him in a big row, because he's not capable of an adult conversation. Use quiet, maternal anger to get your shit together and plan your exit.

And when you're out of this, I would apologise to your daughter and explain how much you wish you'd left sooner and that it was wrong to stay.

Imagine living with one person who is meant to protect you above all else and another person, who they choose to be with, who hates you.

Poor little mite she must dread going home and school holidays etc.

I'm honestly not trying to make you feel guilty but I am trying to make you feel accountable. You've put your daughter into this dynamic. It's up to you to get her out.

Your loyalty lies with her you say but your actions don't match up and that must be so confusing and upsetting for her.

I have said this to him before. You come across as you hate her.

He assured me he loved her. When she was having a bit of trouble at high school recently, he went and confronted the said perpetrator, then went to her parents house, then demanded to see the headteacher (I was at work whilst this happened). He said how can you say I hate her I love her to bits. But the way he acts sometimes I struggle to see how.

He said how can you say I hate her I love her to bits. But the way he acts sometimes I struggle to see how.

Sometimes you struggle? I'm really sorry OP I'm finding it difficult that you're sort of minimising the effect this man is having. He has told you you should be grateful he 'puts up with' your daughter.

This isn't what love looks like. He doesn't love her. He doesn't like her. He actively dislikes her.

OP - his own child is frightened of him. His son, who is older, bigger and stronger than your 13 year old daughter is SCARED of him.

How can you love or even like a man who makes children feel that way?!

OP, some parents shout sometimes at their kids. Pretty much every parent has lost it at some point or another.

That's not what you're describing here.

What you're describing is a man who own teenaged son is afraid of him. Who not only shouts sometimes, but frequently, and in order to get his own way. Who belittles children. (He belittles children.)

Who doesn't listen to you when you try to talk about it. Who hasn't tried to change his behaviour. (And why would he? It gets him what he wants.)

This isn't tenable. No one should have to live with a parent who frightens them, be that a parent by blood, by marriage, or by adoption.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He said how can you say I hate her I love her to bits. But the way he acts sometimes I struggle to see how.

Sometimes you struggle? I'm really sorry OP I'm finding it difficult that you're sort of minimising the effect this man is having. He has told you you should be grateful he 'puts up with' your daughter.

This isn't what love looks like. He doesn't love her. He doesn't like her. He actively dislikes her.

OP - his own child is frightened of him. His son, who is older, bigger and stronger than your 13 year old daughter is SCARED of him.

How can you love or even like a man who makes children feel that way?!

Sometimes I struggle because a lot of the time they do cuddle and tell each other they love each other etc its not all the time they fight and shout.

I am by no means minimising what happened recently at all

Anyone can say they love someone. It’s an utterly meaningless remark unless backed up with action. He sounds awful and it’s worrying that you can’t see that. If it was me he’d have been out the door a long time ago. Pretty much the second I said don’t shout at me or my kid again then he kept doing it.

@Kanaloa

Anyone can say they love someone. It’s an utterly meaningless remark unless backed up with action. He sounds awful and it’s worrying that you can’t see that. If it was me he’d have been out the door a long time ago. Pretty much the second I said don’t shout at me or my kid again then he kept doing it.

Dont make assumptions I can see that, I know his behaviour isn’t right but its being made out like its always like that it isn’t. There have been times when they are just like any normal step father and daughter. Its only recently he has started to be like this.

A man's character isn't defined by how he acts when he's relaxed and happy. It's defined by how he acts when challenged.

His default response to the women and children in his life, when challenged, is to shout at them and belittle them. To shit talk them behind their back.

In fact, he's so confident you won't leave him that he shit talks your own daughter to YOU. Saying nobody else will "put up with her".

He said that when you threatened to leave a while ago. Before this most recent incident.

What did he say to convince you to stay? Because surely it can't have been 'good luck finding someone else who will put up with DD'?

So he must have, what, promised to change? Promised not to shout at you / her again?

Then he's failed. So why does he get another chance?

Put your daughter first. Before a bully.

You're with a man children are frightened of. It's chilling.

He assured me he loved her. When she was having a bit of trouble at high school recently, he went and confronted the said perpetrator, then went to her parents house, then demanded to see the headteacher (I was at work whilst this happened). He said how can you say I hate her I love her to bits. But the way he acts sometimes I struggle to see how.

Was the perpetrator also a young girl? So he likes confronting children? He likes dishing out the law and acting the hard man. It just happened to be that time it was in your DD's favour. He still treats her like shit.

You have repeatedly asked him not to shout at or belittle, scare and dominate you or your DD but he doesn't stop. He doesn't think he should have to because he is right and you are wrong. Nothing will change his behaviour and you shouldn't have to try. He isn't a project for you or your daughter to fix.

The fact he confronted the perpetrator before her parents or school is very telling isn't it? Happy to confront (aka intimidate) a child.

And 'demanded' to see the headteacher despite the fact he has no parental rights?

He's an aggressive arsehole who punches down. Ugh.

Its only recently he has started to be like this.

Do you think that is because she is older and won't comply so easily to his will? It's easy to be a 'good' parent/partner when it's all plain sailing and things go your own way. Not so easy when faced with a headstrong teen that wants to do things her own way. Do you find yourself going with his flow to avoid arguments and being told off by him?

If he still has bouts of cuddling her and telling her he loves her before or after shouting and bullying her, then that's not great either is it? It smacks of the cycle of abuse which I'm sure you are already too familiar with.

@CanofCant

If he still has bouts of cuddling her and telling her he loves her before or after shouting and bullying her, then that's not great either is it? It smacks of the cycle of abuse which I'm sure you are already too familiar with.

Spot on IMO.

Number 3 = 'they made friends'

Number 4 = they cuddle up sometimes

Number 1 = she's a normal teenager and he feels challenged / annoyed

Number 2 = he shouts at her and you (and scares his son separately too)

Does that cycle feel familiar OP? He's textbook. A common or garden variety bully who as I say punches down.

@CanofCant

Its only recently he has started to be like this.

Do you think that is because she is older and won't comply so easily to his will? It's easy to be a 'good' parent/partner when it's all plain sailing and things go your own way. Not so easy when faced with a headstrong teen that wants to do things her own way. Do you find yourself going with his flow to avoid arguments and being told off by him?

No I dont find myself going with his flow to avoid arguments at all.

Yes he does sit her down after he has lost his temper and shouted at her and apologises to her always when I’ve obviously stepped in and removed her from the situation and then addressed it with him.

You tried, he isn’t listening, so as you’re at the end of your tether the only thing you can do is leave him. Remember, this isn’t him losing control. I bet he doesn’t shout at others this way. He’s choosing to shout at you and your DD because he views you as easy targets.

But nothing you try to do to improve it or make him stop works does it?

Has it really been plain sailing until recently? Has it been a healthy relationship with normal family life or have things been less than great but better than life with your ex?

I don't think he can be salvaged as a person and a partner, his older child is frightened by him so this isn't a new facet of his personality.