Step Dad / Step Daughter Relationship

[ParryHotter85]

Been married for 6 years with a DD which is mine who is nearly 13 from a previous relationship (which turned physically abusive).

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

She gave him a dirty look the other day and he absolutely lost his shit. Started screaming at her “who are you looking at likkkkeee thhhattttt!!!!” I’m an adult.

After that I spoke to them both and explained how much of an impact this was having on me, them both being at loggerheads all the time I was upset.

They made friends after that.

I feel really down about all this and it’s having a significant effect on my mental health.

Any advice?

@Ozanj

You tried, he isn’t listening, so as you’re at the end of your tether the only thing you can do is leave him. Remember, this isn’t him losing control. I bet he doesn’t shout at others this way. He’s choosing to shout at you and your DD because he views you as easy targets.

Did ANYONE see the post the other day about the person in the shop whose in law got hold of their hair and made a comment about their weight?

Im the same lady.

I remember that post. So his family are also abusive arseholes? Brilliant.

Sorry OP but what the fuck are you thinking exposing your daughter to all this? She is a child. She is defenceless. She is smaller, weaker and has no option to live elsewhere.

Stop putting your relationship before her. Every day you stay with him that's what you're doing.

Sorry to use caps but... HIS SON IS SCARED OF HIM THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

I didn't see that post. What did you do? Are saying you stood up for yourself then? Or that he stood up for you? It doesn't change his day to day behaviour toward you or your daughter.

No I dont find myself going with his flow to avoid arguments at all.

But it makes you anxious and upset when he shouts at you and your DD. So whether you go with what he says or not he shouts at you which has a negative emotional impact on you.

@CanofCant

I didn't see that post. What did you do? Are saying you stood up for yourself then? Or that he stood up for you? It doesn't change his day to day behaviour toward you or your daughter.

No I dont find myself going with his flow to avoid arguments at all.

But it makes you anxious and upset when he shouts at you and your DD. So whether you go with what he says or not he shouts at you which has a negative emotional impact on you.

Yes it makes me anxious and upset when he shouts at either of us.

Basically I had my hair pulled from one of his family members and we had a big row about it because when I said he should be doing something (not the first time) his response was ‘well he will fall out with me then’ and ‘why don’t you say something about it’ his family members not mine.

"With regards to seeking counselling over what ‘led me’ to this relationship, he never used to be like this, its only recently that he is, he did agree to seek counselling previously for his anger but said the GP never referred him".

You did indeed go from one abusive relationship straight into another one. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further mangled and got at by your H now. His son is afraid of him as is your daughter. And you're afraid of him too. Abuse is not solely physical in nature either.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you challenge him on his behaviours towards you all.

Who is more important to you here; your H or your daughter?. Put her first because she will realise that you have put this man first and before her. If you do not act and properly show her that you put her first she will leave home sooner rather than later and not want to go back to see you as her mother. What do you want to teach her about relationships and just what is she learning here?.

You have a choice re this man and your DD does not. Make better choices for you and she.

OP this is so frustrating.

You're with a man who shouts and you and your daughter and belittles her / shit talks her directly to you.

You're also with a man who won't confront a male family member (but happy to confront a school aged girl) who ASSAULTED you.

So yet another lesson has been taught to your daughter - if you're assaulted then don't expect your partner to support you if it will inconvenience or embarrass him. This poor girl.

His priority is him.

Your priority also seems to be him for some unfathomable reason.

Put your daughter first and remove yourself from this absolute mess.

You cannot stay with him AND be prioritising your daughter. You can't. So you need to choose.

Tbh you should be focused on your daughter's mental health. You are choosing to be with an abusive bully. She has had an abusive bully imposed on her.
Please get her out of this before she is totally fucked up by it

He barely sounds like he likes you, let alone your daughter. It really shouldn't be this hard work. Imo, his negative behaviour outweighs any flimsy positive gesture he might make by threefold. It seems he only reigns it in so that you won't leave. It is the cycle of abuse. He's got an excuse for everything hasn't he? He says some awful things to you.

I did see your post about the hair pulling incident. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

FWIW I had a husband like this (among other issues). He was fine when the DDs were small, cute and compliant. Once they got older and started finding their voice, it all started to go off the rails.

I stayed too long, hoping he'd learn. He got worse. Protect your DD from this man.

Right, so you sound like you have no concept of functioning as a non-abusive family unit. I hope you get some help as tolerating abuse doesn’t make it better, only worse and worse. As he excuses physical abuse and is verbally abusive himself, I would be expecting him to become physically abusives in the future.

I'm sorry but just because his parents smacked and shouted at him, does not give him the right to shout at you and your daughter.
I'm laughing at how he calls himself an adult yet shouts like a toddler having a tantrum.

You need to set rules in place, daughter to make more effort,do her share of chores, tidy bedroom weekly, not to slam door. Husband to deal with things rationally not shouting.

You will need to keep picking them up each time either does what you asked not to happen so that they know you mean business

Speaking as the person who's mum's husband was and continues to be like this please leave. I've spent my whole adult life craving a better relationship with my mum that I'll never have because of him. I wish she had walked away, and now that I have a daughter of my own it impacts her too. I'd advise having a heart to heart with your daughter, ask her how she really feels about it all and be prepared to follow through on a separation.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

My reply would be "I'm sorry that your parents physically abused you. Physical discipline of children has been considered unacceptable for many decades now. There are many parenting courses available to help new step-parents - why don't you go and have a Google?"

He needs to understand that his feelings aren't more important than your DDs.

This. Yet another example of how the physical abuse clearly didn't do him any good, despite them claiming it 'never did them any harm'

@CanofCant

He barely sounds like he likes you, let alone your daughter. It really shouldn't be this hard work. Imo, his negative behaviour outweighs any flimsy positive gesture he might make by threefold. It seems he only reigns it in so that you won't leave. It is the cycle of abuse. He's got an excuse for everything hasn't he? He says some awful things to you.

That seems the pattern yes. When I’ve gone to leave its he will change he will seek help for his anger etc. Then when I kept asking he said the Dr didn’t refer him.

With regards to my daughter he has apologised, she forgave him and they were planning a beach day this week (which isn’t happening cos I’m not allowing it)

With regards to me and the family member who belittled and humiliated me in public the response was
If I say something he will fall out with me.
Then it was why dont you go and say something.
Then when I stated that I should take precedence over any family member that has humiliated your wife his response was….
Fine I will say something then. I got angry about it and it ended with him slamming the garden gate and telling me to fuck off to my mums.

@HalzTangz

I'm sorry but just because his parents smacked and shouted at him, does not give him the right to shout at you and your daughter. I'm laughing at how he calls himself an adult yet shouts like a toddler having a tantrum.

You need to set rules in place, daughter to make more effort,do her share of chores, tidy bedroom weekly, not to slam door. Husband to deal with things rationally not shouting.

You will need to keep picking them up each time either does what you asked not to happen so that they know you mean business

I do need to your right. My DD does not do as she is told she doesn’t clean her room when I ask she sulks and shouts my god slams doors etc. I am very soft with her.

@LostSocksBrigade

Speaking as the person who's mum's husband was and continues to be like this please leave. I've spent my whole adult life craving a better relationship with my mum that I'll never have because of him. I wish she had walked away, and now that I have a daughter of my own it impacts her too. I'd advise having a heart to heart with your daughter, ask her how she really feels about it all and be prepared to follow through on a separation.

I am going to taken her out for a drive tonight and have a long talk.

Be realistic, if he decided to lash out and hit her you wouldn't be able to stop it. You need to bin him before it gets to that stage

OP you are responding to sort of specific details but are you still not set on leaving this man?

He's fucking up your daughter's life. It doesn't matter if she 'forgave' him for this time. It's up to you as a parent to protect her and not expose her to an abusive environment.

You were physically assaulted (not for the first time) by a male family member of his and his instinct was not to do anything.

When you have an argument he tells you to fuck off to your mums / good luck finding someone else to put up with DD.

His own son is scared of him.

None of these things are anywhere near close to normal. Your daughter does not live in a safe and healthy home. Neither do you, but you have a choice while she doesn't.

But you don't seem to want to leave this man?

My DD does not do as she is told she doesn’t clean her room when I ask she sulks and shouts my god slams doors etc.

Goodness, I wonder where she's learned that behaviour from...

An I'm sorry but you telling him won't stop him from shouting.
As for the counselling,the doctor didnt refer him because he didn't ask the doctor. You don't need referring you can book your own counselling. He is lying to you and will continue lying

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP you are responding to sort of specific details but are you still not set on leaving this man?

He's fucking up your daughter's life. It doesn't matter if she 'forgave' him for this time. It's up to you as a parent to protect her and not expose her to an abusive environment.

You were physically assaulted (not for the first time) by a male family member of his and his instinct was not to do anything.

When you have an argument he tells you to fuck off to your mums / good luck finding someone else to put up with DD.

His own son is scared of him.

None of these things are anywhere near close to normal. Your daughter does not live in a safe and healthy home. Neither do you, but you have a choice while she doesn't.

But you don't seem to want to leave this man?

Ive have done today. I’ve put things in place now to move out with my daughter.

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

But would you feel the need to be soft on her if he were not behaving the way he does? You are (understandably but unsuccessfully) trying to compensate for his dominance, bullying and abusive behaviour. It's not working. Yes, talk with her but she is only 13, you need to make the choice to leave him. If she says, 'mum, it's fine, he's not that bad' would you believe her? She's already been told that the bad atmosphere makes you ill and to make friends with him. Despite her perception regarding her step brother, she is still just a child that wants her mum to be happy.

Husband to deal with things rationally not shouting.

A man who has to be sat down and told this is not fit to be in a household with kids tbh.

This is not a case of six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Because one is an adult and one is a child. One is big and one is small. One has control and one doesn't.

She sounds like a normal teenager who is (tbh totally understandably) unhappy at home and acting out a bit.

He sounds like an abnormal man who is abusive and punches down, a bully and a coward who doesn't prioritise his wife even when she is assaulted and who says terrible things about his wife's daughter to her.

If I was OP's daughter I would be slamming doors and wanting to tell him to fuck off, it's a miracle she hasn't done that yet the poor girl. God knows how he would react.

@ParryHotter85

I didn’t realise how abnormal this is after reading all your responses. Do any of your husbands ever speak to you like that? Ever?

My partner has never, ever told me to fuck off, shit talked my family, made me feel frightened or scared a child. No. And don't think that's some sort of gold standard OP - that is what is normal and healthy, not extraordinary or lucky.