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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated with neighbour

210 replies

Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 06:22

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

OP posts:
lobsterkiller · 02/06/2021 06:53

I am so sorry this has happened and people with better advice will be along.

I dont understand why you need to get over it? Thry have created this situation, not you.

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/06/2021 06:55

What is your instinct on whether anything else has happened? In my (sometimes bitter) experience you is usually do know on some level.

(My ex husband was a specialist in knocking off the neighbours.....)

So sorry - you must be in shock.

Wallywobbles · 02/06/2021 07:02

I'd not get over this. Why do you think you should? It's not you that's done anything wrong.

This would be the end of the road for my marriage. I just couldn't put myself through trying to get over it because I wouldn't.

Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 07:05

Zmnjg I am so sorry that you’re going through this.

Please DON’T accept what they say. Cheaters lie, lie and lie some more.

My WH told me that he had just kissed his AP, HA, I laugh now at my complete naivety. Please do not accept this. You caught them kissing because your spidey sense was going crazy. How many times did you not follow them?

In these situations you should have full access to his devices, this woman should be out of your lives with NC AND her husband should be told about this. I wish I’d been much much clearer on my boundaries when I first knew about my WH but I tried to ‘nice’ him into realising he was going down a slippery slope. It was a massive mistake. I thought I was dealing with my husband, the man I had known for over ten years, I wasn’t I was dealing with a total stranger.

I may sound hard but these things don’t tend to fizzle out because the wife found them, they tend to go underground with it all.

And please take care of you. This is an EA at the very least, you will need to eat, drink water, exercise and look after yourself.

Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 07:08

Also... Read How to help your spouse heal from your affair and Not just friends, both of these books will help you realise what you will need to feel safe and to understand the psychology behind this bs!

This is serious, it is not just a kiss, and you do not have to ‘get over it’!

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 07:40

Thank you.
I think I'm still in shock, we've been together so long and have young kids. Nothing like this has ever happened to us and I worry now will I trust him again?
It wasn't even a drunken night out, the fact it was in our house and i was downstairs makes it worse!

I've told him he can't see her anymore and any kids events I will go. It just makes it so much worse she lives in our street, almost like my nose is being rubbed init everyday.
She's the total opposite to me which is making me feel insecure now about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 07:45

I have a feeling they have kissed before, they both smoke and use to go in the garden together but thought I was just being paranoid.
I don't think they've slept together, as she only comes round here.
I'm hoping it was just a lust thing that can be stopped.
They both have apologised but now it's like move on!

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 02/06/2021 07:50

Have you told her husband?

They would have opportunities to sleep together, living so close. Have you looked at his phone?

Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 07:54

Oh zmnjg I had young children as well. It absolutely sucks. All I can say is please don’t think they haven’t slept together. My WH was working a 9-5, NEVER ever was away from us past half five. But he managed a full on passionate affair with a co-worker that he claimed he’d just kissed. I’m not saying this to scare you just to help you set some really secure boundaries.

I know you’re in shock but I really would read those books and tell the husband. Affairs do die when they are out in the open. And please don’t think lust things stop, once they’ve started they very rarely stop. It may have for now but it will start again unless you lay some really hard ground rules.

I am so so sorry. I know what you’re going through and I hate to think of anyone struggling like that.

Needsleep32 · 02/06/2021 07:55

If they are brazen enough to kiss in your house, sober, while you are there... this has been going on a while, IMO. Sorry.

Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 08:03

I will add, the AP (affair partner) my husband chose was younger, blond, fake tits, narcisstic, attention seeking the absolute opposite to me. But it really wasn’t about her at all. It was about him, all about him, his state of mind at the time. So please don’t make the comparison with yourself. They ALWAYS affair down!

Notexactlyfair · 02/06/2021 08:05

Tell her husband and then move

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 08:06

I've checked his phone and he's deleted messages, I said show me the messages and he said he deleted them as he wanted nothing to do with her.

I'm wondering if I should just text her and ask her outright?

I'm scared to tell her husband, they have young children but I feel like him not knowing she's getting away with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 08:07

They weren't sober when Kissed, she came round on her own and we all had alot to drink. But I stopped just to keep an eye on things

OP posts:
Notexactlyfair · 02/06/2021 08:14

@Zmnjg

I've checked his phone and he's deleted messages, I said show me the messages and he said he deleted them as he wanted nothing to do with her.

I'm wondering if I should just text her and ask her outright?

I'm scared to tell her husband, they have young children but I feel like him not knowing she's getting away with it!

He deleted them so you didn’t see the truth not for any other reason . He’s covering his tracks
FrumpyBetty · 02/06/2021 08:14

You will never trust him again. He has humiliated you in an awful way. You are bottom of the pile.

Can you live with that?

Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 08:15

Deleting messages is also a huge red flag, he has denied you ever knowing the truth of what was happening between them. You are being told to basically accept their answer.

I doubt whether asking her will get you any answers. She is unlikely to tell the truth as she has a husband and children too.

Everyone has a right to their own personal agency, their ability to make their choices about their lives. Infidelity (of any sort) rips that away from you! I know damn well i’d not have slept with my WH knowing he was banging the blond narcissist at work and put myself at risk of stds etc etc. This man deserves the choice to do what he needs to do in the circumstances.

It also means another pair of eyes watching and another person digging for the truth.

Dizzy1234 · 02/06/2021 08:15

Your spidey senses have been tingling for a while, that's why you stopped drinking so you could keep an eye on them and followed them and caught them, you're clearly not paranoid.
Your DH has deleted the messages because he has something to hide and you know it.
Personally I'd tell her dh because there is no way I'd let her off Scott free.
Horrible shock for you 💐

timeisnotaline · 02/06/2021 08:16

I don’t think you have to ‘get over it’? Now he’s deleted messages you don’t know what’s happened, but you do know he can lie to you and hide things from you. Is moving house an option?

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 08:22

It's just a horrible mess, I wish he was just honest about it then I could potentially get on with things but now I know he's hiding something I'm always be going to wonder what the is going on, what happened?

I might invite her round and ask to check her phone but I'm worried what I'll find and like you said she has alot to loose too.
But if I directly ask her you can tell when someone's lying.

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 02/06/2021 08:23

I'd be careful of telling her husband - you need to think about what you want to achieve by doing this, and it shouldn't be just to get revenge (think of the husband and her children). I would certainly be going over out of the blue to chat with her (and not to tell your husband this) and call her bluff and say something like "I know everything, and I want to hear it from you" - she may well spill the beans on all sorts your husband doesn't want you to know. Either way, you need to decide if you move forward with him or not. You obviously have some thinking to do and I wouldn't be sweeping this under the rug. What a pair of idiots.

Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 08:27

Sweetie, you can’t tell with your own husband you won’t be able to tell with her.

I really wouldn’t communicate with her at all, there is simply no way she will tell you the truth.

I really would advise you to go to the husband and tell him everything you know.

Please don’t listen to people saying things can’t be better and you’ll never trust him etc etc. I am proof that you can survive an affair and with hard work from a REMORSEFUL cheater you can fill that trust bucket a little bit at a time.

BUT and I can’t shout this enough, for you to do that, you really need to pull on your big girl pants, lace up those bitch boots and draw your lines in the sand.

Telling the husband is your starting point. Reading the books. Getting your husband to read those books.

Do not brush this under the rug!

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 08:28

Thank you that's a really good idea!
I'll invite her out of the blue when he's not here and tell her he's told me everything. Hopefully she'll own up and trip up!

But then once I know, it's out there which really scares me.

OP posts:
Ladybug123 · 02/06/2021 08:29

I’m going to reiterate that no one should not be in full ownership of the truth of their marriage no matter how hard that is. It does not protect the husband it just sets him up for further betrayal in the future.

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 08:35

He just doesn't want to talk about it anymore and move on.
He's making me feel shit that I keep bringing it up. But I just don't feel I have the full truth it wasn't just a kiss, if it was I wouldn't have caught them because I wouldn't be any the wiser.
I just don't know how else to get it out without going to her

OP posts: