Husband cheated with neighbour

[Zmnjg]

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

Yes, he’s doing that because he has more to hide. It’s cheater 101. He is not considering you at all in this. He’s in self preservation mode.

He wants you to rug sweep.

I'm going to invite her round tonight and just say he's told me everything! And shown me all the messages. If I double bluff her she might come clean!
Worst case I can ask to see her messages!
I'm never going to get any info out of him and I see this the only way to possibly find out!

That is horrible - you invited her into your home - your safe haven and she totally disrespected this and took advantage. I would not invite her again - if the kids still want to meet do this on neutral grounds in a park but make it perfectly clear to her that she will not be welcome in your home again.

If they are being so obvious about it I would think it’s not that first time.

Are you going to stay with him?

I just don't know what to do.
We've been together so long and have been happy.
Maybe covid had took its toll being at home with the kids more, more stresses.
That's no excuse I know.
If there has been something going on I don't think it's been a long time just this year.
I don't think they would have done more than a kiss. But it's still betrayal. And in my house I just feel abit of a mug them carrying on.

Im from a broken marriage and it's awful. I don't know if I could do that to my kids over a kiss.

@Zmnjg

I'm going to invite her round tonight and just say he's told me everything! And shown me all the messages. If I double bluff her she might come clean! Worst case I can ask to see her messages! I'm never going to get any info out of him and I see this the only way to possibly find out!

She won't show you her phone. Sadly, she owes you nothing, it's your husband you have to deal with.

You need to decide if you want to live with him after what he's done.

My ex-SIL had a full on emotional and physical affair with the neighbour who my DB considered a good friend. He came round for dinner, for drinks, met me and my family (I was friends with a number of my DB's friends). Again they were both smokers; my XSIL would pop out to borrow a pack of cigarettes or another bottle of wine, have a quickie, then come home to my DB. XSIL would sit out the back of their home with her AP, they would drink and smoke together late into the night, while DB went to bed (he worked full time) and would she would have sex with him whole DB slept. She would take days off work to go round to see her AP and have sex. The danger of being caught was part of the thrill.

Sadly these situations are often not just a simple drunken snog. I'm really sorry for you, it is so hurtful and so difficult.

You can't assume tha

You don't have to break your marriage or leave him BUT you do need the truth.

It's a terrible betrayal. It really is. It happened to me. And I was so scared I did what you did and didn't confront what was happening. You need to know all of it if you're going to move on. Or it will always be between you. It will haunt you.

And you're not getting the truth. Sorry you really aren't.

Your OH is getting all the benefit of the doubt. Don't like the deleted messages. Of course he deleted them because they're incriminating!

Don't like the 'won't talk about it'. It's UP TO YOU if you want to talk about It. NOT HIM.

You need to be so strong now and decide your boundaries. I totally regret not telling the OWs husband. As she was able to play down what had happened and create a whole different story.

Don't let your OH and your neighbour own this scenario. " it was JUST this" and "it was JUST that". No they betrayed you.

Own your voice in this.

It's not on her to give you the truth.

I reconciled with my partner following him cheating. It can be done of that's what you want, but he's got to do the work.

First things first, kick him out. Whether you make it work or not, get him out of the house. Put space between you so that you can see clearly. It will give him time to reflect too.

Tell her husband. Get the truth out there.

Tell him that if he wants any chance of the reconciliation then you need honesty. Tell him you know it was more than a kiss and if he's not honest then there's no chance of anything ever being fixed.

Use time apart from him to figure out if he's actually what you want. You were happily married and then he did this. You noticed the changes in him before the kiss. This was an ongoing disrespect. Why do you want to save this marriage? What good does he bring to your life?

Get some counselling. Talk to a professional who can help you see your emotions clearly.

You can change your mind at any time. You're not locked in to any decisions you make right now.

They are both wankers how demoralising amd embarrassing for you. Personally I don’t think I was pissed is a reason to kiss anyone else. It’s a line that you get fed because they got caught . I would be packing his shit up

Your husband doesn’t get to dictate your reaction to this. He doesn’t get to decide it’s time to move on. If you need to talk about it then talk. If he doesn’t respect this you need to tell him to go.

It’s up to you if you decide you want to give your marriage another go, but he’s the guilty party and he needs to give you what you need to be comfortable with this happening. I think you should go to couples counselling.

And definitely tell her husband. In his position you’d want to know wouldn’t you?

If you invite her around, however last minute it is, she will be in contact with your husband immediately to get the story straight. Seen it happen.

Your neighbour will not tell you anything and she will not show you her phone. You need to stop concentrating on her and give your husband your full attention - ask to see his phone and if he wont give it over then you demand to see it, he will have deleted anything suspicious so if his phone is clean then you will know he has deleted stuff. You need answers from HIM not from her.

The OW will not tell you what you want to know, and thats if she turns up.

My DP had an EA with a close friend, i too quizzed her but she didnt reveal anything, she did stray from the script a few times so i knew she was lying to my face.

You need to cut the OW off, tell her you are not friends and you dont want to have anything to do with her and tell your good for nothing husband that if he even looks in her direction again you will cut his balls off with a pair of rusty scissors.

If your marriage is to survive you need to cut the OW off, not contact from either of you and your husband needs to understand this, my DP knows if he contacts our "friend" again he is out of the door.

I get the need to know, i really do, i have been there, but they will minimise everything and you will never really know. Cutting the OW off was the best thing for me and my mental health, and you can dangle the threat that if she comes near your husband again you will tell her husband everything.

But if I directly ask her you can tell when someone's lying.

Then you should know, is your husband lying?

Your focus is all on the wrong person here.

MizMoonshine
Lalliella
Litterbird
LemmysAceCard

Listen to these posters OP.

Thank you everyone, it's such an awful thing I can't even speak to my family or friends about. I'm so embarrassed.

My mind's all over the place, I'm the sort of person who hates letting things go so this definitely is getting to me.
I will definitely be banning her from the house and maybe it's not a good idea to invite her here to get info out. Like you said she'll have probably deleted the messages from her husband and lie to me.

I really don't think I could tell her husband, I'd hate to split up a family although she's done wrong.

I do feel like it was the start though because of covid. But not sure if the fact I caught him has worn him off but If I stay and forgive will he think he got away with it and can do it again?

He's not remorseful here, the fact that he doesn't want to discuss it and reassure you shows it's all about him. This is classic textbook cheating and the sad truth is, they probably have slept together, they both will minimise. I've been where you are OP and I feel your pain, it's easier to be in denial I know.

Please don't invite her round and ask to see her phone, this gives her power over your marriage, she will sense that and probably get off on that, don't allow her to see she has that over you. No contact now from yourself with her as she has shown her intentions now. As for your H, honestly I can't advise. My exH cheated many times and I forgave and tried to move on, don't be me and allow yourself to be made a fool of.

Ye your right I need to stop focusing on her and tell my husband to stop all contact.

Do not invite her around, she will just make you feel worse.

Tell her husband though. She and your husband both deserve whatever mess comes out of that.

Something similar happened to me and I ignored it which is the worst thing I could have done as things really escalated eventually. Please have it out with them and don't bury your head in the sand like I did.

Her husband deserves to know so he can make a decision for himself. He may stay he may leave, but at least he has a choice.

I wouldn't trust my partner if he did this. He is minimalising the kiss, I bet it was more. He wants you to shut up now and move on.

I would leave him, but that's me

Your husband doesn't have the right to decide it's not up for discussion. He should be making every effort to make amends. Remind him of his - he was the one who kissed someone else.

@Zmnjg

They weren't sober when Kissed, she came round on her own and we all had alot to drink. But I stopped just to keep an eye on things

You had a gut feeling and you were right . I now realise that I missed many opportunities like this in the past when my ex H cheated with a friend because I was too trusting . I suspect that is not the first time they have done this . Think very carefully about all of this . It is a head fuck as you start to question every time , every event you were together .It is death by a thousand cuts .

@Zmnjg

Let's get one thing clear here:
You are not breaking up a family!

If you leave your husband, that's on him.
It you tell her husband and he leaves her, that's on her.

This is not your doing.

You have no blame here.

With regards to telling her husband, you are in the position to give him control over his own situation. To allow him to make an informed decision for his life. You won't be doing something spiteful or shit stirring, you'll be giving him the right that he's had taken away by his duplicitous whore of a wife.

Whatever you decide to do, because it's your choice, just go easy on yourself.

A guideline that I have for relationships is
"if it is something you have to worry about its not worth worrying about"
In other words if your relationship is causing you to wonder what's going on then its over. My threshold would be low - now it's "but it was only a kiss" - don't wait until its just a s--g