Husband cheated with neighbour

[Zmnjg]

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

And there's a script for this, OP.

First he will deny (you caught him red handed so he can't do that)
Then he will minimise "it was a drunken one time thing"
Then he will give a little "okay we flirted and it got out of hand but I'm sorry"
Then he will blame you "we had a dead bedroom, you don't respect me blah blah blah"
It's a slog to get the truth.

I don't think they would have done more than a kiss. But it's still betrayal. And in my house I just feel a bit of a mug them carrying on

Kissing in the bathroom - both of them heading in there with you downstairs - that isn't a "first kiss", sorry OP that sounds like the actions of people who are already having an affair. The kiss was just part of their relationship, I'd bet money on it . Stealing time together with you nearby is the sort of risky business which some people just love.

Good luck OP. Keep the focus on him/you - you won't get anywhere with the OW. She knows that you know - I've no doubt that they are talking about it and making their plans for "what to do now". You need to make this about you and your family . Best wishes to you.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to stop putting the pressure and guilt on your own shoulders. This is your DH doing and if he can't live through the consequences of his actions, that's on him. I can understand the push and pull feeling of wanting to know more, but then being scared of knowing and what that would mean going forward. Put all of that to one side and ask yourself "can I trust him again?". If the answer is no or I don't know, he needs to pack his bags and get out of the house whilst you decide to either take him back and try again or end the marriage. His behaviour after you've put your foot down will tell you if he's worth it or not - he'll either make the effort to work things out with you or he won't.

I'd definitely tell her husband!
There's a high risk that your husband and OW will continue their affair as they think they've got away with you believing it was 'just a kiss', which in my view is highly unlikely.
At the very least, it will also make her husband be more vigilant towards her, and thereby decrease the opportunities for them to continue to sneak about together. It may also have the benefit that they decide to move house, saving you the trouble and expense of doing so.
I wouldn't want to continue living next door to her, as it would be a constant reminder.
I also think you need to get angry at your husband, who seems to be minimising his appalling behaviour, and gaslighting you.

I think you should tell her husband, he will probably find out eventually when things don't carry on as before and then the embarrassment he will feel that everyone else knew will make the betrayal even worse.

You also need the truth. If you don't have the full truth it will eat away at you FOREVER! Situations will pop up over time like your husband might start mentioning a new female coworker and it'll bring all the paranoia back. If you can't get the truth from him what's the point in carrying on? It's like he's taking the piss that bit more by getting angry at you and refusing to tell you the truth.

He deleted those messages because he didn't want you to read the truth. She will have deleted them too in a panic that her husband might, at any time, demand to see her phone.

I would ask her straight.

@uhtredsonofuhtred1

I think you should tell her husband, he will probably find out eventually when things don't carry on as before and then the embarrassment he will feel that everyone else knew will make the betrayal even worse.

You also need the truth. If you don't have the full truth it will eat away at you FOREVER! Situations will pop up over time like your husband might start mentioning a new female coworker and it'll bring all the paranoia back. If you can't get the truth from him what's the point in carrying on? It's like he's taking the piss that bit more by getting angry at you and refusing to tell you the truth.

He deleted those messages because he didn't want you to read the truth. She will have deleted them too in a panic that her husband might, at any time, demand to see her phone.

I wish that I had been told but the H did not want me to be in the pain he was in . It was another year before I found out . I also found out that a "friend" had spotted them out but didn't tell me either. He deserves to know .

It's such a difficult one.
I feel I'm going to get nothing from my husband. Hes just done with it now and blaming it on he's drunk and can't remember and it was just a kiss.

I feel if I double bluffed her and said I know everything I've seen the texts ect surely then she cant deny things
That way I might actually be further in getting answers.

OP - if your have had a good relationship for many years - it is possible that what happened was a side effect of covid - being stuck at home for months has affected many relationships. And even the strongest ones suffered at times.

So - on balance - if everything else has been OK - I’d say it is possible to get through something like that. If this was a crush brought on by boredom and stresses of lockdown - it is possible to move on.

But - you are hurt and it’s not fair on you that you are expected to just magically snap out of it. You need proper conversations about what went on - in your relationship, in his head - to lead to it. And those can only happen in a safe space with a professional. So - I’d think couples counselling is the only way for you to try to put this behind you.

Currently your mind is super focused on trying to get all of the details out. Was it only one kiss? Was there more? What did the messages say?
But - in a way it’s irrelevant. And only a distraction from the real questions of what this all meant for your relationship. What was/is in his head. Was is an escape and a fantasy. Etc.

If I were to add my 2p to this. My guess is that your neighbour is in some way unhappy in her relationship or very bored. Why else was she coming around your place often and without her H. And as that she probably flirted with your H, to feel better about herself. And over time it got out of hand.
People have been deprived of normal human interactions for a very long time. We used to be in offices - and seeing people other than our partners. And enjoying attention from other people is nice and healthy. It helps us feel confident in ourselves. And before - it was harmless - could be a smile here or there, a look, little banter with colleagues, etc. But in the absence of it all - I can see how being starved of it all can lead to bad places. This is my guess of what has happened to you H.
May not make you feel any better, but may help you understand. And eventually get through this.

People on here are usually quick to jump to suggesting divorcee. But it’s up to you what you want to do.

Ye exactly what you've said.
She has mentioned her husband's boring. Theyve has to cancel there wedding twice due to covid
She's a very outgoing person and never saw her before covid really.
She's definitely bored and needs company. I'm wondering if she liked the attention. They use to have alot of banter but because she's not my husband's type I was really shocked he could go there. He often says she's awful.
But he likes red heads and she use to be a blonde and recently died it red!

@Zmnjg

It's such a difficult one. I feel I'm going to get nothing from my husband. Hes just done with it now and blaming it on he's drunk and can't remember and it was just a kiss.

I feel if I double bluffed her and said I know everything I've seen the texts ect surely then she cant deny things
That way I might actually be further in getting answers.

It is certainly worth a go and no more crazy than the many things that cheated women have done before or will do .

He said he doesn't know why he did it. He literally can't give me an answer. I'm wondering if having two kids and being tied down for so long has made him want to rebel in some way. All my attention is on the kids and he often feels left out

OP you're being very naive. Please listen to the advice on here. His behaviour now tells you all you need to know.

Hi darling.
I’m so so sorry that you are going through this. It’s an awful feeling knowing the man you trusted had betrayed you like this.
When there’s kids involved it just makes the situation a lot more stickier also.
I have gone through similar to you. My partner betrayed me also and we have a daughter together.
I have been reading through these comments briefly, and I am a firm believer of doing what you feel is best to move on.
If you want to tell the husband, (which I would) then you should. This woman dosent seem to see the hurt she has caused you so maybe let her know what it feels like. Also her husband has a right to know and I think you would want to know if you were in his shoes.
I think your husband and the neighbour had some cheek to do that under your own roof, it’s like they almost were certain they would get away with it, which makes me wonder if they can do it upstairs while your downstairs, what else have they been doing to get so confident in hiding?
You need to look after yourself you well being, you could down the wrong road very quickly with your mental health if you don’t realise that this has nothing to do with you it’s him.
I get your a great person and a great mother.
Go to a councillor, you will feel better and get a better idea of how you want to move forward.
I went through an enormous amount of emotions, sad,hurt,anger,depression just be careful. Xxxxx

why dont you make a pass at her husband

People cheating is bad enough but when it is conducted in your home, that is beyond the pale. Your home is supposed to be your safe place. They have violated that. There is no way I would learn to live with that, nor should you.

Oh come on now hahaha let’s not get silly

Haha I was thinking that would be a payback but two wrongs don't make a right

I'm just thinking if it was me I don't think he'd let it go so much.
I really don't know what's best. Thank you for all the advise.

The minute you start blaming yourself by saying you were not paying him ‘enough attention’ you lose this fight.

This is not a reason to cheat! If you’re feeling like you need some time with your spouse you talk to them about it not throw yourself in the bathroom at the next door neighbour!

What happens when you’re next dealing with life and can’t pander to his every whim?

Cheating stems from entitlement and selfishness - PERIOD and both of these two are displaying that in bucket loads. And his continued denial and desire to push it all under the carpet is evidence of that.

You really do seem in shock op.

I'm kinda surprised you aren't furious with your cheating husband.

It sounds like you want to continue your marriage, which is your choice.

I do wonder if he will eventually leave you though, because husbands who have affairs do leave and set up home with the other woman (not necessarily this current one, but the next one or the next one) so please prepare yourself for that possibility.

I personally would tell the neighbours husband and kick my husband out to show him I'm not a walk-over and to get some space from the shitstorm (and get an STI test for everyone involved)

@Zmnjg

He just doesn't want to talk about it anymore and move on. He's making me feel shit that I keep bringing it up. But I just don't feel I have the full truth it wasn't just a kiss, if it was I wouldn't have caught them because I wouldn't be any the wiser. I just don't know how else to get it out without going to her

Sorry, but what a complete ** . He doesn't want to talk about it? No, I bet he doesn't.

I may be unusual in my opinion here, but I don't understand people who minimise 'just a kiss'. In my opinion most types of kissing are more intimate than 'just a shag'.

This is tough love, OP, but just think about it a moment. They shared an intimate moment in your home knowing that you were nearby. Please do not be fobbed off. You may have to live in close proximity to this woman for - what? Several years? You need to at least lay the law down and get him to accept responsibility and get him to realise that you are entitled to want to talk to him about your concerns for months, years if necessary, until you feel healed (that's if you want to stay with the sort of man who would so casually take away one of the most precious sources of security a person needs - your own home).

At the end of the day chances are you'll never know the truth. Always 3 sides to it, her story, his story and the truth. Also living close to her will never enable you to move on. You'll just resent your partner more & more.
My ex wife told me she kissed a so called friend of mine but they never went any further as they didn't it was fair on me....bullshit and I'd never know the truth.
That was the beginning of the end.
I think at the least you need to move house if your relationship has any chance of survival.
Tough decisions to make but once the trust is gone thats the end of it I feel.

I think I've been through the anger mode now and just drained by the whole thing.
I feel she's just getting on with her life and he's just thinking he can walk all over me.
I feel so trapped with no one to speak to. I Darnt tell my family or friends

Im not wanting to end our relationship but I'm finding it really hard all the secret texts and it wasn't just a mistaken drunken kiss otherwise I wouldn't have followed them and caught them!

I think you have your answers OP - you just don’t realise it yet. If you truly believed him when he says nothings going on and it was just a drunken kiss then you wouldn’t be looking for further ‘proof’.

You had suspicions for a while, enough to make you not leave them alone, he’s acting suspicious, you caught them kissing, he’s deleted messages/evidence. He won’t discuss it. You know this is more than one kiss.

I would tell her husband, he has a right to know. What you each decide to do as couples are up to you separately. Your choice is yours. Her husband’s choice is his.

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, but don’t bury your head in the sand. If you think you can get your trust back, then stay - if you think you can never trust him again, then leave.

I chose to stay because of my children, and it ate me up for more years than I care to remember. If I could go back, I’d leave.

The fact that he is pushing you to move on and 'get over it' screams that he isn't remorseful, is not thinking about your feelings or what he has put you through, and just doesn't 'get it' at all. If he isn't genuinely remorseful and putting you as his absolute top priority then he is not to be trusted going forward, I'm so sorry. He should be pulling out all the stops to make amends but he is pressuring you and making you feel like you are wrong to be so devastated - you are NOT wrong, you have every right to be as feel as betrayed as you do, you cannot rush the healing process after infidelity. He is not taking seriously the fact that he has caused you serious emotional harm. This is not a good man who can be trusted. And the same goes for your neighbour. Her husband deserves to know btw - you don't owe either of them your silence on this matter, when they have betrayed you as they have. Disgusting pair. Confide in somebody irl, family or friend, don't struggle through this alone.