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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated with neighbour

210 replies

Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 06:22

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

OP posts:
kiddo5467 · 02/06/2021 14:33

That's annoying.
So frustrating he's making out that you're over reacting. I know marriages that have ended over less.
I think his attitude after you found out is almost as much of an issue as the fact they kissed in the first place. Complete disrespect! The fact he doesn't think kissing her is an issue that you will be upset/annoyed and have a lot of questions would be enough to make me end it

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 02/06/2021 14:48

As much as you don't want to tell the husband, I think you need to.

You're going to stop seeing them and that's going to raise questions, besides which he needs to know his partner is cheating on him. It may be that he doesn't go through with the marriage once he knows the truth, but surely that's better than allowing to get married believing his partner is faithful when she's not.

Text him if need be.

Lipz · 02/06/2021 14:49

@Zmnjg

Think it was Instagram
You can restore deleted messages from Instagram. I just googled it. Actually it looks like you can restore deleted messages from most apps.

If someone was not having an affair they would not need to delete messages.

People having affairs will always find a time and place. I knew someone who booked a hotel 3 times a week, they met at lunch time, an hour after work, or longer if doing 'over time', they also met on days off, so pretended to go to work, pretended to be shopping for hobby, helping ill friend, the list goes on. Only when they were a year into their affair that they started taking chances /risks and meeting in each others homes.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2021 14:53

He's 100% lying about the extent of what's been going on.
To be that bold and be kissing in your bathroom shows it's not the first time this has happened.
Walks to school. Him stopping by her place while her fiancé is out. Glued to his phone and then deleting everything.

I think you know it was more than a kiss. He'll never tell you the truth.
He seems to have zero remorse.
His upset at not seeing them anymore says a lot too.

It's up to you what you want to do but it appears that they will just continue on and hide it better.

ExitChasedByABee · 02/06/2021 15:02

@Zmnjg

I can't let things go back to how they were. We've got to cut her out of our lives if we ever want to move forward. If he can't handle this then it's not going to work. He just doesn't want to talk which is so frustrating! Making me look bloody paronid and crazy! She's staying well clea ATM. But I will see her next week sometime at the school.
He is trying to dictate how things should go when he was in the wrong. You don’t just coincidentally both go the bathroom and kiss someone else for the first time and then say that you’re too drunk to remember etc. Deleting texts was a huge red flag. You need to tell him that you want the whole truth if he really wants you to move on.

The question is, can you move on from this? She’ll still be your neighbor and I don’t think you can control who your husband talks or doesn’t talk to. There’ll be times that they might meet on the school run or on a play date etc. Can you actually cut her off? And can you really face living with this man who doesn’t even care about your feelings, respect your marriage, and now is completely disregarding what you need at the moment which is the complete truth. They are not even allowing you to get closure and what you want is getting dismissed. And you want to remain married and be with this man?

sadie9 · 02/06/2021 15:03

How long ago did this happen?

Mathshelpme · 02/06/2021 15:03

Dump him, block her. They are both scum and deserve each other.

Wiredforsound · 02/06/2021 15:05

Well, how extremely unlucky they should get caught by the wife the very very first time they ever had a kiss. Extraordinarily unlucky. Imagine - they’d never ever had a kiss and the first time ever that they do they get caught. 🤔

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 15:21

It was last week so still raw!
I have kids so trying to figure it all out and half term has made my head spin.

OP posts:
honeybuns007 · 02/06/2021 16:00

OP when the perpetrator tries to gaslight the victim and gets angry then You know you have a really big problem. In a true remorse situation, he would be begging for forgiveness and promising you everything you demand. What he is doing really is the behaviour of someone who has no intention of taking responsibility for his actions and will no doubt continue to see her or see someone else sometime in the future.

Summerfun54321 · 02/06/2021 16:03

I’d threaten to tell her husband if she doesn’t tell you everything. She doesn’t know you weren’t planning on telling him anyway. She’s in a vulnerable position and you should get all the info you can now to decide how much of a cheat your husband is. Kissing someone else while your wife is in the house is SO brazen, my bet is he’s done this quite a few times before.

pinkpapaya · 02/06/2021 16:15

@Zmnjg

Thank you everyone, it's such an awful thing I can't even speak to my family or friends about. I'm so embarrassed.

My mind's all over the place, I'm the sort of person who hates letting things go so this definitely is getting to me.
I will definitely be banning her from the house and maybe it's not a good idea to invite her here to get info out. Like you said she'll have probably deleted the messages from her husband and lie to me.

I really don't think I could tell her husband, I'd hate to split up a family although she's done wrong.

I do feel like it was the start though because of covid. But not sure if the fact I caught him has worn him off but If I stay and forgive will he think he got away with it and can do it again?

This sort of stuff happened to me with my XH! Everyone here telling you that there is more to this and that they are/will gaslight you is correct. You know deep down that they have already done the deed. It is horrible, hurtful behaviour and their deceit and complicity makes it worse. Please do everything you can to stay calm and give yourself a few days to process this without saying or doing anything. You need to be over the initial hurt, shock and betrayal before you can start to formulate your next steps.
pinkpapaya · 02/06/2021 16:34

@BumBurnerBum

If OW and her partner have had to cancel their wedding twice due to COVID, does that mean they're not currently married?

If I've read that correctly I think you should definitely tell him as it gives him the opportunity to avoid a terrible, potentially expensive mistake.

I also echo others that your DH will never tell you the truth and in your situation, I would absolutely leave.

Good luck.

This! I think so too. Give yourself a few days of 'emotional first aid' and time to absorb the body blow then, when you are feeling calmer and clearer, tell him. Not to be malicious but to give him chance to get out. I had this happen to me and I wish now, with the benefit of hindsight, that I had exposed them both publicly then kicked him out. I stayed way too long with the cheating ratbag!
Ashamed76 · 02/06/2021 16:36

I’m so sorry OP. This is literally on your doorstep I’m not so sure it’s even possible to move on

Whattodo1610 · 02/06/2021 16:58

Your marriage will never be the same again OP. If you think you’ll get over it eventually and trust again - you’re wrong, it’s always there in the back of your mind. And when it’s not there, it suddenly creeps in from nowhere - even 10 years down the line.

I also wouldn’t fixate too much about neighbour - you seem intent on confronting her, it being her fault, need to get her out the equation .... thing is though, there’s MANY MORE like her that ‘d’h will wander to in the future.

Sorry to be blunt but it’s true. Especially given your husband’s reaction right now - he couldn’t care less about you. Families do survive break ups. Tell her dh then begin moving forward in the way that you want for YOU.

Flowers
Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 17:37

I've made him go to his parents for a few days while I think things over.
I don't want to be to irrational, I need time away from him to decide my next step.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, it's really made me think and hopefully help me choose the next step x

OP posts:
fakeplantsdontlookreal · 02/06/2021 17:40

Well done OP, I know it is hard but you are doing the right thing in showing him that you are not a mug and won't put up with his behaviour. Take this time to think about what you want, and see how you feel about being on your own.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2021 17:41

Good that you've sent him away for a bit to be able to think without him right there.

kiddo5467 · 02/06/2021 17:46

Well done @Zmnjg

He needs to at least understand the magnitude of why he's done and how much it's hurt you rather than making out it's you with the issue for being annoyed.

It doesn't sound like he's shown much remorse or done any grovelling for you to forgive him? My exH was similar and I think he was actually wanting me to end it as he didn't have the guts to be the one to do it (even tho he effectively did do it by cheating). It was like he wanted out but felt better being the 'victim' by me throwing him out.

So sorry to suggest this when you're already having such a hard time but his reaction to you catching him seems a bit odd to me

Sorka · 02/06/2021 17:47

Well done OP. I hope you get the headspace you need to process Flowers

sunglassesonthetable · 02/06/2021 17:49

well done OP. Gives you a bit of time to process and puts a line down.

chickenyhead · 02/06/2021 18:12

If the husband had found them, would you want him to tell you are be party to their deception?

By keeping their secret, you take on their guilt, when really you haven't done anything wrong.

I would rather know my DH was a cheat than think everyone knew about it except me.

LemmysAceCard · 02/06/2021 19:03

Making him go to his parents is a good step, it will give you chance to think and plan.

Original poster
Zmnjg · 02/06/2021 19:29

Thanks everyone, you've made me see it's not me and he needs to go.
Him being away will help me think more clearly and hopefully help him see what he's done!

I've decided against going to her about it as she will lie to save her own relationship.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 02/06/2021 19:30

Well done for asking him to leave for a bit.

He might want to put it behind him, but you don't have to! I'd also tell her dh.

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