Husband cheated with neighbour

[Zmnjg]

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

You don't need to say anything other than "I caught them kissing on X date in our bathroom" and let him decide his future.

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I wish I’d been much much clearer on my boundaries when I first knew about my WH but I tried to ‘nice’ him into realising he was going down a slippery slope. It was a massive mistake.

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You can get an app which pulls up deleted phone messages - sorry can't remember the name but I am guessing others know of it as I learnt of it via mumsnet

@Zmnjg

So I've got some of her things, I said I'll drop them round while she's at work. Then I'm done with them. He was abit shocked! And said well we live in the same street you'll see them at school ect. I was like so they have other friends? Then I said what's the issue? He was really angry why I've brought it up again! And said I'm sorry how many times do you want me to say this! I just feel so upset he just thinks right that's it move on

Sounds like he expected you all to carry on socialising like before. He didn’t think his kissing (or worse) her should change anything. He’s getting mad at you because you’re making it more difficult to carry on with what he was up to.

Is this what you want to live with? Now you know what he’s like/up to?

This pretty much happened to my friend and she also believed it was just a kiss. But you had already felt vibes from them and I doubt you happened to catch them when they had their first kiss.

In my poor friend's case they had been having quickies against the wall in the garden and in the bathroom etc. Really awful.

His behavior makes it even more likely this is an ongoing thing. He has deleted the messages because of what you may have found out. It also depends how you view things like exchanging photos or sexting as I bet that has been involved too.

Only you can decide what you want to do but I couldn't stay with someone who just wanted to brush it under the carpet and refused full disclosure by deleting messages etc.

I can't let things go back to how they were.
We've got to cut her out of our lives if we ever want to move forward.
If he can't handle this then it's not going to work.
He just doesn't want to talk which is so frustrating! Making me look bloody paronid and crazy!
She's staying well clea ATM. But I will see her next week sometime at the school.

I say, you don't need to get over it!, It's not your situation, it's their's and they bought this upon you, if he did this to you, he's not worth your sadness or anger, I just hope you kicked hi a$$ out and told the neighbours husband because that's the right thing to do!

stop focussing on her and start calling him to account. Tell him to leave while you decide whether you want to continue in the relationship with him. In the meantime you need an STI test.

Banning her from the house may stop her going near him in your house - but you cannot ban all women now or in the future. If you can't trust him with her you can't trust him with anyone.

It's sounds to me that more did happen and your Dh wants to shut it down as he's worried you'll find everything out. The fact they were snogging in the bathroom whilst you were downstairs shows how much they thought they could get away with it. The gall of the pair of them.

I bet my left arm they've had sex at least once. Thats why he's pointing the finger at you and your reaction.. ..I've said sorry what more do you want' like it's your problem. What a twat.

I wouldn't accept this. If I caught my husband snogging 'my friend the neighbour' in my own bloody bathroom he'd be out in his arse.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Your husband thinks he’s the big man with all the cards and you’ll just fall in line. He’s told you lots of lies. He blatantly does remember. It wasn’t the first time. I just don’t believe the first time they kissed was the one time you happened to follow them to the bathroom when you’ve been suspicious for ages. The fact that he’s shocked you don’t want to see the neighbours anymore says everything - he expects to just be able to do what he wants. There will be other women. There probably have already been other women - it’s just that COVID means he’s resorted to your bathroom in lieu of going out.

I know you don’t want to have to deal with this, but please tell your neighbour’s fiancé. He has a right to know that his wife to be is a cheater before he makes a life-long commitment and signs a contract giving her rights over his assets. I would want to know if I was him.

Why are you so focused on her? She owes you nothing.

It's your husband that's lied to you.

The man who vowed to love and cherish you. Not snog the neighbour. Don't be his doormat.

Sorry op it's clear as day they been having sex behind your back no one throws a potential bomb in their marriage for a kiss. You felt something was going on for a while so therefore behaviours have changed. It's likely he's said he's at work and went from her house and vice versa or quickie in the bathroom or outside. I know this is hard to hear but he was wanting to shut it down completely and doesn't seem to acknowledge your distress and feelings in the situation. He is also not wanting to severe ties with her in the hopes he can continue this affair. Covid and having children is no excuse to be a WH. The choice is yours accept the situation or throw the cheating bastard out I know what I'd do.

I also suspect this isn't his first offence if he had the cheek to go in the bathroom with the woman when you were in the house. This is the first time you have caught him it's very likely he's cheated throughout and is getting braver with his actions.

From experience, you won’t get over it, and nor should you.

End it now.

It’s terrible feeling

I agree that you should message her partner and just state that you caught them kissing and that she is no longer welcome in your house. Just leave it at that and don't engage any further with him.

Regarding your DH. He is downplaying it all, has deleted all evidence and is now trying to make you feel bad for want clarity and to discuss it.

You had suspicions, they were right. He is now on the attack because he has been found out. There is no way this was just a drunken mistake, he has deleted all the texts, so clearly has something to hide.

IF he won't discuss it then tell him to leave until he is prepared to talk about it, and start to deal with being on your own.

He's trying to fob you off and make you out to be in the wrong!!

I'd tell him that if he doesn't give you the full truth it's over....and mean it! I think you'll know when you're not getting the full story!

I know he's deleted texts but does he get online mobile bills? Make him log on and at least you'll get an idea of how much & how often they were in contact?? If it's multiple messages a day that'll tell you a lot!!

Or if he messages on WhatsApp I think you can recover deleted messages?

Many people find an affair risky and thrill taking but after a while it becomes mundane so they up the risks by having sex in their own homes and then escalate. I’d guarantee that them kissing upstairs with you downstairs has a huge history to it and would probably have progressed to a bit more. They are having an affair! It’s not just a one off kiss and deleting previous messages means there was something there to hide.

She isn’t your friend and won’t open up to you. She is the woman your husband is having an affair with and they will get their stories straight and tell you lies.

None of this is your fault and you don’t need to get over anything.

Absolutely having an affair and deleting the messages well that’s a big telltale sign. If nothing else has happened then it’s because the opportunity hasn’t arisen but I’m doubtful it’s the first time. They were more than capable of deciding to sneak off for a kiss in the bathroom, so they weren’t that drunk. He’s trying to make you feel crazy to protect them. He doesn’t want you telling her husband. He wants you to shut up out of protection for their shitty behaviour. Tell her husband and get the truth

he and she are so cheap.

your dh hasnt got the full reply from you yet which is 'he listenes to you or goes' so he is trying to drag it as it is.

Everything @MizMoonshine said at 9.18 this morning. You set the terms and decide IF you can continue in this marriage.

He doesnt want to talk about the fact he at minimum kissed another woman IN YOUR HOME? That is shady in itself. Also if they are messaging privately already then this is much more than one kiss.
He needs to talk to you about this or he needs to leave but you need to tell her husband too. It is not right that he is in the dark about all this.
For what it is worth I am sorry you are going through this. Take care x

You can’t move forward if he’s unwilling to take any responsibility and bury it under the carpet.

Think it was Instagram