Husband cheated with neighbour

[Zmnjg]

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

I really hope you find resolution OP because reading all your updates his fuck up sounds like (aside from the betrayal) it will exhausting for you. Covering up the lie, having to dodge your neighbour, make up excuses with the kids,- you don’t deserve to live like that, it’s their mistake. I’d tell the husband and anyone who wanted to know on the street and get some physical space from your husband whilst you take your time.

If OW and her partner have had to cancel their wedding twice due to COVID, does that mean they're not currently married?

If I've read that correctly I think you should definitely tell him as it gives him the opportunity to avoid a terrible, potentially expensive mistake.

I also echo others that your DH will never tell you the truth and in your situation, I would absolutely leave.

Good luck.

Funny how the cheaters manage to blame everyone / everything than themselves

I am sorry, but the thought of even speaking to the OW is absolutely crazy - she is not your friend.

To be honest I would have kicked him and her of my house that night - to allow you to get your head together and scare the shit out of him.
How dare he come back with "doesn't remember anything" playing it down.

I am sorry but you are being taken for a mug and being walked on.

I think from the way you are writing - you have already made up your mind to try and get over it.

They are both scumbags! You don't deserve this.
What the hell where they both in the bath room in the first place?

Definitely not the first time. Talk about brazen!

Under no circumstances would I allow my children anywhere near theirs. You need to get angry. This is not your fault. This has all been caused by your H and OW!
Please stop being embarrassed - They should feel the shame of their actions! I wouldn't be hidden his disgraceful behaviour to anyone.

You have a long rad ahead of you.

@Zmnjg

Thank you everyone, it's such an awful thing I can't even speak to my family or friends about. I'm so embarrassed.

My mind's all over the place, I'm the sort of person who hates letting things go so this definitely is getting to me.
I will definitely be banning her from the house and maybe it's not a good idea to invite her here to get info out. Like you said she'll have probably deleted the messages from her husband and lie to me.

I really don't think I could tell her husband, I'd hate to split up a family although she's done wrong.

I do feel like it was the start though because of covid. But not sure if the fact I caught him has worn him off but If I stay and forgive will he think he got away with it and can do it again?

YOU are not breaking up a family.

If they break up then the OW did it.

The kids don't need to suffer, because there are still 2 innocent parents. You and the other OW fiancé can meet up with the kids.

Speak to the OW fiancé he might have more of the truth then you. And you both deserve the truth.

Your DH could've taken a sick day or annual leave and had sex in a hotel or car maybe OW didn't cover her tracks as well as your DH.

I feel so sorry for you, OP! So many of us have gone through this, or something similar.

But I would talk to her. I think you probably need to feel that you have done everything you can to prevent it escalating or to stop it if it has started. What you have done already might be enough to nip it in the bud.

Also, maybe you could plan for the future. Get it clear in your mind what you want to happen now, and maybe even take the first step to make it happen. Eg, can you go away with your husband for some couple time? (I expect that has been suggested - sorry haven't read the whole thread?)

It sounds like you have already talked to your husband, but have you spelled it out to him, exactly what will happen if he does sleep with her? Can you bring it home to him how serious this is? The probable effect on your children?

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Surely the neighbour knows you caught them, and will have deleted all evidence. If not, well, I'd be going to her house when her husband is home, and I'd spill the whole story to the husband in front of her. Let her squirm. Otherwise, you're just letting her get away with it. She was kissing your husband in your home. She doesn't give two shits about you, so why are you protecting her?

I meant how serious it would be if he did have an affair with her. Sorry - I don't want to over-react!

I actually think you have caught this in time, and don't agree with posters who are counselling drastic action, at all!

For there to be hope for your marriage, he needs to own how much he’s hurt you and be completely honest - otherwise how can you ever trust him again? Speaking to your neighbour isn’t going to give you what you want - you need to hear it from him, and it sounds like he’s just in cover up mode and not accepting he’s done anything wrong.
If you split up, it’s because of HIM not you.

And I would tell the OW fiancé - why should he go into a marriage with an unfaithful person without knowing all the facts? They’re asking you to lie for them.

yeah course they just happened to have a kiss in the bathroom together as a drunken mistake

do they think youre stupid-i wolud bluff it and say to her you know everything see what she says he clealry isnt going to tgell you

Also, the kiss you caught them in was not the first one, because you had already felt vibes from them, which is why you slowed down your drinking, so you could be more alert that evening. You're never going to get the truth from either of them.

I'm so sorry. I went through the same thing with my first H. It took me 4 years to leave him. I can tell you, that what I thought I knew, was really just the tip of the iceberg. I managed to get concrete evidence from one of his friends, and also by spying on his phone. Strangely, he was devastated when I left him. Apparently all men snog other women, it means nothing, bla bla bla.

I'd highly recommend getting yourself a god night out (when allowed), and try snogging another man. What's good for the goose, and all that. That was a turning point for me.

It's very very hard to move on and you'll always be suspicious, the fact that your husband won't talk about it means he doesn't think it was as huge a betrayal as it was, it can't just be swept under the carpet and he needs to understand that and be totally honest with you or you'll be moving on from the wrong starting position.

As for her, I'd tell the DP as I'd hate for them to get married, him not knowing what he is marrying. I'd also hate for her to get the legal protection that comes with marriage too as she doesn't bloody deserve it. At least if you tell him before they get married he's making the decision knowing exactly what kind of person he is marrying.

Both you and he can make decisions in your lives based on the whole truth, even if the whole truth is a drunken kiss.

Everyone says it's your husband who has cheated, don't focus on the other woman (i wanted DH's EA partner to bloody suffer but it's like hoping to poison someone but the only person you're poisoning is yourself) but when it's a friend I think she bears some responsibility for your feelings too.

• good night out

It seems incredibly stupid and careless to both go off to the bathroom when there were just three of you in the house! Did they not think that you would wonder why they had both gone to the bathroom ??

I feel for you. Don't let your husband brush this under the carpet.

Think about it!

You could go round to her house and confront her (in front of her kids?). You could expose her to her partner. You could give an ultimatum to your husband. You could insist that you monitor all his phone conversations. You could publicly humiliate them both. You could stop your children from seeing hers (not sure how that would help, but someone suggested it earlier on ).

But would it make you feel better?

I'm guessing that you'd rather have your life back as it was before this happened to shatter your peace of mind? It won't be exactly as it was before, but you can rebuild from here. What do you want?

Rebuild, but you might have to accept that total honesty is not what is happening in this relationship? It might be that you don't actually need that level of openness - most people keep something back.

I think respect is more important (or rather, I've given up on total honesty). So he has to respect you, far more than he has done, by his stupid behaviour with a neighbour.

I hope he will be able to regain your trust, though, because I do think you will have to trust him, even if that only means to trust him to behave in a particular way.

Maybe, once this is over, you will decide to accept that you can have a relationship on a basis of mutual respect and trust, even if total honesty can't be had?

@MaMaD1990

I'd be careful of telling her husband - you need to think about what you want to achieve by doing this, and it shouldn't be just to get revenge (think of the husband and her children). I would certainly be going over out of the blue to chat with her (and not to tell your husband this) and call her bluff and say something like "I know everything, and I want to hear it from you" - she may well spill the beans on all sorts your husband doesn't want you to know. Either way, you need to decide if you move forward with him or not. You obviously have some thinking to do and I wouldn't be sweeping this under the rug. What a pair of idiots.

Why does the OP need to think of the OW husband and children?, she didnt cause this.

@AloneInTheRoom - she needs to consider what she'd want to achieve. If it's a case of just wanting revenge and teach the OW a lesson, that's spiteful in my view. If it's out of concern for the husband then that's a reasonable motive to tell him. Depending on your motive can also affect how the news is delivered and may not be done in a sensitive way to the husband. The fact she has children is absolutely something to take into consideration before potentionally dropping some hideous knowledge and blowing a family apart.

A kiss doesn’t come out of nowhere. The fact that there were text messages that needed to be deleted shows that there’s a huge back story here. It’s also clearly not a ‘first kiss’. Why in earth would they do this, out of nowhere in YOUR HOME? This indicates to me, that it’s an established ‘relationship’

I’m sorry OP, I know you want to believe him. I know you want to minimise and forget, but until you know the truth, which you’re unlikely to find out, you can’t do that.

In my opinion the only way your marriage is recoverable is for him to be completely honest with you, to cut all contact and for you to move house. You def won’t be able to ever forget this is you see her All The Time.

Having been in a similar situation, I personally would end the marriage now and save yourself months And years of heartbreak and tying yourself in knots to make this work. Your husband has shown that he certainly won’t.

Honestly, I always find the don’t tell the other betrayed spouse brigade ridiculous.

By doing that the betrayed is actually complicit in the affair. Keeping it a secret actually helps the cheaters. It’s CRAZY that anyone would support that. And it’s really interesting that people who are of this opinion RARELY have experienced infidelity. They have no idea what it’s like finding out that your life is a complete mirage, that your emotional, physical, sexual health has been at risk and that people knew but didn’t tell you because they wanted to ‘protect you’ or because it’s not their ‘business’!

Sorry t/j over!

OP I really hope you’re ok, you have had a barrage of advice some of it from people who clearly understand infidelity. Please take what you need a leave the rest. Reconciliation and trust can be built. But it takes work and your husband is I suspect still actively engaged in his affair. If not physically certainly mentally. Please seek help around this from friends and family. You need a tribe to support you. Arms please read the books I’ve recommended on page 1. These are experts in their field and can help you navigate your way through.

@Ladybug123 please don't apologise for your insightful post.

@Ladybug123

Honestly, I always find the don’t tell the other betrayed spouse brigade ridiculous.

By doing that the betrayed is actually complicit in the affair. Keeping it a secret actually helps the cheaters. It’s CRAZY that anyone would support that. And it’s really interesting that people who are of this opinion RARELY have experienced infidelity. They have no idea what it’s like finding out that your life is a complete mirage, that your emotional, physical, sexual health has been at risk and that people knew but didn’t tell you because they wanted to ‘protect you’ or because it’s not their ‘business’!

Sorry t/j over!

I agree completely with this. It's a betrayal of your so called friends who know something is happening but choose to let you blindly believe all is ok.

The OW is engaged so perfect time for her fiancé to get out of the relationship if he wanted to once he knows what's happened.

Trouble is OP, you have a lot to think about in doing what's right for you so the last thing on your mind is telling the OW partner. It doesn't have to be a showdown in front of their children as I don't think that's right but you could speak to him privately and let him know what's happened.

Hope everything works out for you whatever you decide to do. x

You don’t need to do anything.
It’s not yours to get over, the only decision you have to make is if you want to stay with him or not. For me young kids or not it would likely be the end of the relationship.
I never understand posters saying don’t tell the husband. If roles were reversed of course you would want to know! It’s not a revenge thing just a being decent thing.