Husband cheated with neighbour

[Zmnjg]

I caught my husband kissing my neighbour!

My husband's been getting close to our neighbour lately. We both have kids and go to each others houses alot.
We've been together 16 Years.
I started noticing he was getting more distance and habits changing. Walking to school more, laughing and joking on with her. Never putting down his phone. She use to come round and have drinks alot at ours but without her husband.
I had a feeling something was going on but felt paronid as I trusted him.
One night we were having drinks and they both were in the bathroom, I followed them and caught them kissing. They said it was a drunken mistake and nothings going on but I feel absolutely devastated that they both could betray me.
Our kids are still friends and it's just so awkward seeing her now..
I'm trying to get over it but I don't know if anything else went on
How do I get over it.

@Zmnjg

It's such a difficult one. I feel I'm going to get nothing from my husband. Hes just done with it now and blaming it on he's drunk and can't remember and it was just a kiss.

I feel if I double bluffed her and said I know everything I've seen the texts ect surely then she cant deny things
That way I might actually be further in getting answers.

The fact that he's trying to brush it all under the carpet tells you all you need to know.

He's just sorry he got caught

I don't think you should tell your neighbours OH out of vindictiveness.

But because cheaters thrive in a culture of secrecy. You are setting up a triangle of secrecy if he does not know.

What do you think OW will tell him when suddenly you cut off all contact???!
More lies.

Only more lies. She is not your friend.

If you want your relationship to survive there has to be honesty and transparency. Right now you are helping to create a place for them to hide.

Whatever the reasons for what happened it happened. And you sort of knew something was happening.

So sorry OP. You need to take control. Your OH is the problem. But you are supporting her lies by not being honest and open to her OH.

You do not need to make a big scene.

If they hadn’t sneaked off to the bathroom you might be able to write it off as a drunken mistake but they were both aware enough to know that what they were doing was wrong and that they needed to be out of sight to do it. I’m not sure my relationship could recover from the deception and breach of trust

@Zmnjg

He said he doesn't know why he did it. He literally can't give me an answer. I'm wondering if having two kids and being tied down for so long has made him want to rebel in some way. All my attention is on the kids and he often feels left out

Oh didfums.

He's a grown up. He made a choice

@Zmnjg

I think I've been through the anger mode now and just drained by the whole thing. I feel she's just getting on with her life and he's just thinking he can walk all over me. I feel so trapped with no one to speak to. I Darnt tell my family or friends

Im not wanting to end our relationship but I'm finding it really hard all the secret texts and it wasn't just a mistaken drunken kiss otherwise I wouldn't have followed them and caught them!

Why can't you tell them? You have nothing to be embarrassed about

Wth. Tell her partner. Why wouldn't you? He deserves to know your pig of a husband has been sticking his tongue down that pig of a woman's throat with you and your kids just down the hall. How dare he act like you should be over it by now. Fuck that. The kissing was just the start.

I don't know why you haven't gone round to her house and told her you will be telling her husband everything the next time you see him and you'll be telling all your neighbour what a homewrecker she is.

If you don't want to break up yet with your DH, I'd still be telling him that you are going to tell her DH if you get a sniff of anything between them. Your DH doesn't sound like he has the fear of losing everything. Time to give it to him.

So I've got some of her things, I said I'll drop them round while she's at work. Then I'm done with them.
He was abit shocked! And said well we live in the same street you'll see them at school ect.
I was like so they have other friends?
Then I said what's the issue? He was really angry why I've brought it up again! And said I'm sorry how many times do you want me to say this!
I just feel so upset he just thinks right that's it move on

@MizMoonshine

It's not on her to give you the truth.

I reconciled with my partner following him cheating. It can be done of that's what you want, but he's got to do the work.

First things first, kick him out. Whether you make it work or not, get him out of the house. Put space between you so that you can see clearly. It will give him time to reflect too.

Tell her husband. Get the truth out there.

Tell him that if he wants any chance of the reconciliation then you need honesty. Tell him you know it was more than a kiss and if he's not honest then there's no chance of anything ever being fixed.

Use time apart from him to figure out if he's actually what you want. You were happily married and then he did this. You noticed the changes in him before the kiss. This was an ongoing disrespect. Why do you want to save this marriage? What good does he bring to your life?

Get some counselling. Talk to a professional who can help you see your emotions clearly.

You can change your mind at any time. You're not locked in to any decisions you make right now.

This.

Tell him to go. Tell he's been dishonest for too long and he needs to go while you think about what you want. And before you'll consider having him back, he'll need to come clean or everything will be based on his lies, and you won't live like that. Because he is lying. And so is she. The signs were already there, which is why you went looking for them in the first place. You already knew; you just needed to see it.

@Zmnjg

So I've got some of her things, I said I'll drop them round while she's at work. Then I'm done with them. He was abit shocked! And said well we live in the same street you'll see them at school ect. I was like so they have other friends? Then I said what's the issue? He was really angry why I've brought it up again! And said I'm sorry how many times do you want me to say this! I just feel so upset he just thinks right that's it move on

Haahaa. He's a liar, OP. That's the standard by which you judge him by. 'Just a drunken kiss'. LOL. Ever heard of the script? He's classic, not even original, take up with the neighbour, someone from work, a hobby, etc, downplay and minimise when caught, gaslight the betrayed party (I said 'sorry', 'It was a mistake!' 'It was just sex/a kiss/sexting' 'I was drunk/high' 'You need to move on!' 'Bringing that up again!' to make you feel guilty, bad, etc.

Ditto the bollocks about not telling her fiance. He deserves to know so he can make a clear decision.

I'd tell him to leave. He doesn't go, fine, I'd sleep with the kids, do FA for him and file for divorce.

He's a liar. And what's worse, he's a liar who thinks you should just swallow his lies.

Reply: ‘You can say it a million times. I’m still done with them. If you want us to be friends with the neighbours, don’t kiss them. Don’t delete your messages so I’m half convinced you e been having sex with her for months, why else delete them? These are consequences, you’re an adult and should know that word.’

He thinks that because you allow him. Stop being a soft squidgy doormat. Or expect more of the same in future.

Have you thought about your sexual health, get yourself checked out, and the cheating “DH”.

You have every right to be angry. So sorry this has happened to you.

This happened to an acquaintance of mine, she thought she could move on if no one else knew, sweep it under the carpet. But guess what, affair continued, neighbour's husband found out, posted it on Facebook, tagging all involved parties, mutual friends, other neighbours. He left, leaving OW free and acquaintance's husband then left to be with her. It was an absolute shitshow. I think you should tell her other half. Would you want to be in the dark? If he doesn't already have suspicions you cutting them off should certainly get his spider senses tingling and he may start his own investigation

So if it was their first time kissing, and a single, drunken mistake, why panic and delete the messages.

So if it was just a drunken kiss why is he so horrified that you want you both to have nothing to do with her?

So if it was just a kiss, and within days he thinks you should shut the fuck up annoying him with it, you too, can also go out and drunkenly kiss a man and he should not be bothered about it?

He's lying to you. And worse, trying to bully you into forgetting all about it - why? Because the sooner you stop digging, the sooner he can relax that he's got away with you just discovering a kiss, and get back to shagging her.

If she isn't married yet, I think you owe it to her partner to let him know before he's legally and financially shackled to a woman who is not faithful. You don't need to say anything other than "I caught them kissing on X date in our bathroom" and let him decide his future.

Another one who’s been in your shoes.

Ex had an affair with a colleague at work. Initially, I thought I could forgive and move past it, but I was terribly wrong and it took another few months of him carrying on the affair secretly, before I had enough and he finally moved out. I even told the husband but he also didn’t want to upset the apple art and chose to believe her lies, making me out to be some sort of weird psychopath!

Not telling your family or closest friends isn’t your best move. You need support from real life people. Maybe just tell your closest friend or relative and leave it at that for now.

I understand you’re desperate to get back to how your life was prior to finding out that your husband is a cheat. And you think that if he gives you some answers to your questions, you can close that unfortunate chapter and move on?

Sorry, but I honestly don’t think that’s realistic.

However, I suspect you will try to put your family first and carry on living together but if it does implode later on, at least you’ll get sound practical advice from the vipers. I wish Mumsnet had been around for me when I had my year of hell but I’m a stronger person for surviving it and you will survive too.

He’s cheated on you, refused to discuss it, and expects to be able to bully you into brushing it under the carpet and-have you say nothing to anyone while he probably carries on but covers his tracks more carefully. I hope you get over the shock soon and get angry/deal with this. Talk to someone- YOU have nothing to be ashamed about, and you really need someone to lean on/talk to.

@Ladybug123

Zmnjg I am so sorry that you’re going through this.

Please DON’T accept what they say. Cheaters lie, lie and lie some more.

My WH told me that he had just kissed his AP, HA, I laugh now at my complete naivety. Please do not accept this. You caught them kissing because your spidey sense was going crazy. How many times did you not follow them?

In these situations you should have full access to his devices, this woman should be out of your lives with NC AND her husband should be told about this. I wish I’d been much much clearer on my boundaries when I first knew about my WH but I tried to ‘nice’ him into realising he was going down a slippery slope. It was a massive mistake. I thought I was dealing with my husband, the man I had known for over ten years, I wasn’t I was dealing with a total stranger.

I may sound hard but these things don’t tend to fizzle out because the wife found them, they tend to go underground with it all.

And please take care of you. This is an EA at the very least, you will need to eat, drink water, exercise and look after yourself.

Sorry but what is WH and AP, HA - totally lost on these ones.

AP - affair partner

WH - wayward husband (nicer way of saying cheating wanker)

HA - just me laughing at my own stupidity!

If I could go back in time 🙄

@Ladybug123

AP - affair partner

WH - wayward husband (nicer way of saying cheating wanker)

HA - just me laughing at my own stupidity!

If I could go back in time 🙄

I assumed WH stood for wanker husband 😂

@Ladybug123

AP - affair partner

WH - wayward husband (nicer way of saying cheating wanker)

HA - just me laughing at my own stupidity!

If I could go back in time 🙄

Thank you @Ladybug123! I was a tad confused but get it now. Wanker Husband works best I think.

I assumed WH stood for wanker husband

same difference I guess? :p

Sorry but what is WH and AP, HA - totally lost on these ones

I read that as Wanker Husband, Affair Partner, and Ha ha ha.

Oops, cross posted

So I've got some of her things, I said I'll drop them round while she's at work. Then I'm done with them.
He was abit shocked! And said well we live in the same street you'll see them at school ect.
I was like so they have other friends?
Then I said what's the issue? He was really angry why I've brought it up again! And said I'm sorry how many times do you want me to say this!
I just feel so upset he just thinks right that's it move on

You realise in all of this, he’s only bothered about himself (firstly), her, people finding out and what people might think.

He’s not bothered about you or your feelings, at all.

Lilroo87 That. Is. Good! How did I not see that before 🤣