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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:

buckeejit · 13/05/2021 14:20

You need to tell him that he needs to learn to care for his children. If not now, he will have a lot more caring to do by himself if you split up.

Lay it on the line. Confrontation is so much easier than being made to feel like shit & someone else controlling you. This is a good learning opportunity for you both to progress things & for him to admit his issues

xela21 · 13/05/2021 14:22

So if you split up, he would never see his own children as hes incapable of looking after them overnight?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/05/2021 14:22

He's an abusive, controlling prick and you need to divorce him. I announced the dates I'll be travelling to see friends next month. All he said was, 'Okay.' Similarly, he announced when a car show he'll be travelling to with friends is and when he's taking off. 'Send me a message that you got there safely,' was my response. And we have a child with special needs.

xela21 · 13/05/2021 14:23

Also, what do you get out of this relationship OP

crosspelican · 13/05/2021 14:23

@Paintedpets wait - He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else. He literally said that? He seriously accused you of planning to have sex with another person on your night out?

I don't think I could stay married to him after that. If my husband forbade me to from doing something because he thought I was going to be unfaithful, then I honestly think our marriage would be over. I would also wonder why that was where his mind went, and what happened on HIS nights out.

Being a single parent won't actually be that bad for you, OP. He's a lazy good-for-nothing already, so you wouldn't have any shift in expectations. In fact, you would actually have considerably more time to yourself, because he would have to take them some of the time.

Do you work?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/05/2021 14:23

@xela21

So if you split up, he would never see his own children as hes incapable of looking after them overnight?

Yep, he's the type who will never take them and then claim his 'psycho, nagging ex' won't him see them. Small price to pay for being rid of a controlling abusive twat.

bigbaggyeyes · 13/05/2021 14:25

That would be a deal breaker for me.

You're a big girl and able to make decisions at to wether you think a place is safe or not. I presume it's not Afghanistan you're planning to have your night out at?

As for the dc, he needs to step up if he can't look after his dc and needs step by step instructions. He's their father ffs!

DianeCherry · 13/05/2021 14:29

Absolute deal breaker for me. He needs to get hands on with the kids and give you the freedom you deserve. he either does this within your marriage or you divorce him and he has to do it anyway

itsgoodtobehome · 13/05/2021 14:29

When I told my DH I was going to meet friends in Lindon at the weekend, his response was 'do you want me to pick you up from the train station?'.

Shoxfordian · 13/05/2021 14:30

This wouldn’t be ok with me
He’s just controlling you
Let me guess, everything is great as long as you do what he says

itsgoodtobehome · 13/05/2021 14:32

London and we also have young dc.

nancywhitehead · 13/05/2021 14:33

I couldn't be with someone like this.

He goes out but won't "let" you? That dynamic is very concerning.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/05/2021 14:39

Plus he’d need step by step child instructions

He doesn't know how to parent his own kids? Is he some sort of moron or just bone idle??

The very fact that you're reluctant and worried about asking says it all, and that's without the double standards!

Why exactly are you married to this man?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2021 14:41

You what? I'd tell him to get stuffed. I'd probably leave. Nobody dictates to me what I can and can't do ff's.

Merchymor · 13/05/2021 14:44

Oh dear. I went to Morocco on a solo trip a few years ago because I'd always wanted to go and wanted to do things at my own pace. Husband said 'have a fantastic trip'.

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/05/2021 14:45

Err , what makes him think he has a say in what you do?

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 13/05/2021 14:45

It's not healthy that you are "asking".

How old are the DC exactly? I'm presuming not tiny and breastfeeding?! So what's his problem?

IntermittentParps · 13/05/2021 14:45

He's a controlling twat.

I think you're absolutely right that he doesn’t want to have to have the dc on his own overnight.

Call Women's Aid.

MyDogIsDrivingMeMad · 13/05/2021 14:46

I wouldn't mind so much if he wasn't going out and doing that very thing himself. (Spending a night away with friends seems overrated to me, anyway, and my parents never did that when I was a child.)

However, how dare he do it himself, then try to say you can't?! I'd be telling him that he can't do it, either, then. And if he wouldn't agree (which of course he won't), we'd be having serious conversations. He can't expect you to follow one set of rules and he another. He's just being selfish and lazy.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/05/2021 14:46

He’s a controller and a useless dad. Kick him out and start living, op. He’s not going to change.

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/05/2021 14:46

would be my response

namechange1032 · 13/05/2021 14:46

@Paintedpets

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal. DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening. I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.

Who the actual fuck does he think he is? It's not for him to tell you whether you can or can't go away. I can't believe he speaks to you like that.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 14:47

I was ready to see a thread about wanting to get a puppy/cat/ferret with a DH that is allergic, or go scuba diving in a shark cage, or backpack solo through the Amazon.......but no, it’s one night away with friends.

He is being extremely unreasonable and irrationally paranoid. You’re in one of the safest countries on Earth during the safest time period in history. Honestly, I’d just put the dates on the calendar and go. If he gets scary, then time to end the relationship. He’s not your keeper.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 13/05/2021 14:48

This is abuse - he's controlling you.

You should not need to ask permission to do this. A conversation about childcare arrangements, sure, but not permission.

starfishmummy · 13/05/2021 14:49

The old double standards. When I was younger i had a partner who thought staying with his mates after a night out was fine, but me doing the same would only mean "one thing". Hes an ex for a reason.

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