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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
PussGirl · 13/05/2021 14:51

Even my controlling ex would deign to have DS while I was away for weekends with friends as long as it wasn't more than twice a year. I did sometimes wonder whether it was worth it! He went away several times a year for up to a week at a time.

He was pretty pathetic about it though & wouldn't feed himself or DS regularly but they survived.

On one occasion he arranged his own weekend away at the same time as me, weeks after I'd bagged the weekend (which included flights) & wouldn't change it - I drafted in his mother to help (I drafted her, he didn't).

He made it very difficult for me to attend any hobby classes, basically by sabotaging mealtimes & childcare & when I still managed to get there would accuse me of shagging the instructor / other participants.

He's an ex now so he can do what he bloody well likes - so can I Grin

Cowbells · 13/05/2021 14:52

You have to stop 'asking.' You don't need his permission to live an interesting life. Tell him you and some friends are going away, just as he did. You will discuss which of three dates is most convenient but one of them has to work.

wishywashy6 · 13/05/2021 14:53

I may be totally wrong here but my translation of this is:

"No you can't go because when I go away on 'boys nights' I act inappropriately flirting with/kissing/ touching up/shagging other women so I am judging you by my own standards and don't trust you to be out of my sight for too long"

Even if I am barking up the wrong tree with the above he sounds like a controlling hypocrite and yes I'd LTB over this

Flappityflippers1 · 13/05/2021 14:54

From what you’ve said - saying you can’t go, and your update with him not doing anything with DC, yes, I would leave.

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/05/2021 14:54

Yes, it's abuse.

Often when someone posts about being unsure whether they ar being abused, they add the point that "he is a good dad" (though a good dad does not abuse his partner anyway.)

But you posted this: Now I’m a bit 😩 about leaving him with the dc overnight anyway, simply because he’s never done it and doesn’t do it generally (bedtime, bathtime etc) which is fine for the eldest but not for the youngest.

SunflowersAndLavender · 13/05/2021 14:55

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

Well there you are then. There's your answer. Tell him you are going and you told him out of courtesy - you weren't actually asking his permission.

Tell him he is a hypocrite and his behaviour is unacceptably controlling. Tell him if he disagrees then you will happily pack his bags for him.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/05/2021 14:57

OP this is not a good marriage and not a good place for you or your children. The post about him not letting you go out is the tip of the iceberg. The idea that a man has to be given "step by step" instructions to parent his own children is just lamentable.

Park the weekend away for a second -- although for the record you are absolutely entitled to do this as long as he is forewarned - you need to end your marriage.

Have you got family nearby who you could stay with? Or friends? Have you talked to anyone about what a controlling bastard your husband is?

Branleuse · 13/05/2021 14:57

so what would he say if you told him he isnt allowed to go out with his friends either?

Topseyt · 13/05/2021 14:57

I wouldn't tolerate that.

If I had wanted to do something like go shopping and for a meal when our DDs were small then I would have just checked that DH would be in and available for childcare on that day and if so I would have gone. I wouldn't have been asking permission though.

It sounds as though your marriage is a dictatorship. Take back some control or plan a way out.

Tubs11 · 13/05/2021 14:57

you're nervous to ask? marriage is an equal partnership! It wouldn't even cross my mind to "ask" my partner if i can have a night away. I have often had a weekend away will the girls and vice versa. We talk about logistics and parenting because we have kids and are appreciative of each others needs and wants. We make sure weekends away are accommodated and enjoyable because we care deeply about each others happiness and need for time with friends. I would not stay in a marriage like yours, sounds miserable that he treats you like a child so yes I would leave him.

Scbchl · 13/05/2021 14:58

Who the fuck does he think he is, your dad?

Iamblossom · 13/05/2021 15:00

You know this isn't normal don't you? It may have become normal in your relationship because probably without realising you have allowed him to behave this way towards you without ever challenging him on it. But it is not how a adult relationship should be.

And yes, I would leave my husband if our relationship was such that he "forbid" be to do anything I wanted to do assuming what I wanted to do was legal. You want to go and stay overnight with friends. Of course you should have the freedom to be able to do this. He is not your father.

Ellie56 · 13/05/2021 15:03

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

No because my DH would never say this. He doesn't own me and I don't own him. We tell each other our plans and check if they clash with anything else, and that's it.

Your so-called "D"H sounds like a complete waste of space, a controlling husband and a useless parent. You need to start leaving him with the kids so he gets used to looking after them. And don't back down on your plans for a night away. Just tell the twat you're going and that's it. This is not the 1950's. Angry

Triffid1 · 13/05/2021 15:07

To answer your original question, yes, I'd see this as a deal breaker. At worst, he's a controlling abusive twat. At best, he's a big man child who can't cope with his own children for 24 hours. Argh. Not attractive.

Lady089 · 13/05/2021 15:07

@Paintedpets - Just go, he has no right to control you and dictate what you can and can’t do.

Rhythmisadancer · 13/05/2021 15:07

so his position is that he's such a shit dad he's obliged to be a shit partner as well. Yup, I'd be going for more than a weekend away.

GroovyClementine · 13/05/2021 15:08

This isn't even misogyny.

It's just a case of being a selfish lazy bastard with bullying tendencies.

I have know many men, both friends and family, who were brought up in a different era with some quite misogynistic views but they could, and did, all take care of their own children.

The "man" in question here is your typical teenage son for a husband. Not a good partner, not a good parent, certainly not sexy. Personally, I would leave.

FlippinFedUp21 · 13/05/2021 15:10

So hard to hypothesise because I can't imagine my husband behaving like this or ever telling me what to do. I couldn't be married to someone like that. Has he always been this way or is this something new?

BumCat · 13/05/2021 15:12

I couldn’t live like this. He’s treating you like a doormat because he knows you won’t disobey him. Awful.

Poolbridge · 13/05/2021 15:14

@thepeopleversuswork

This.

LannieDuck · 13/05/2021 15:16

Nope. What goes for you goes for him as well.

If you're not 'allowed' to go out to see friends in an evening, neither is he.

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/05/2021 15:17

So he thinks he owns you like some kind of domestic slave and you are "not allowed" to have agency over your life.

Like a prisoner in your own home.

Fuck that.

Deal breaker for sure.

Sassanacs · 13/05/2021 15:20

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to have to look after the child(ren) and you are destined for a life of servitude whilst he does whatever he wants.

It's not the life I'd want that for sure.

me4real · 13/05/2021 15:22

You know this is controlling, it's classic, especially the accusing you of potentially going to get off with someone else.

And you will not be at much risk as you'd be with your friends. Women have to take occasional reasonable risks or we'd never leave the house.

If he goes away sometimes, then you get to go away sometimes too.

This is a tale as old as time- especially with the him being crap with the DC.

They wouldn't die if you went away for the night, but also you could get him to do stuff with the DC mooree often, so you feel more confident going out/away etc. He shouldn't need instructions for how to care for hiis DC if you go away.

cordeliavorkosigan · 13/05/2021 15:23

I'd be gone. That's totally unreasonable , unfair, infantalising bullshit.