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Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
Meowchickameowmeow · 13/05/2021 14:05

In a healthy relationship, you just say I'm going away with the girls for a night, you don't have to ask. He's not your dad, you don't need his permission.

Aposterhasnoname · 13/05/2021 14:05

So why is it safe for him, but not you? And for. The record, if that was me, I’d bloody well go even if I didn’t want to.

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 14:05

Think I'd be googling coercive control...

speakout · 13/05/2021 14:06

Red rag to me.

WeatherwaxOn · 13/05/2021 14:06

Echoing what MidnightHanging says, I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I had to ask permission to do things

DH might express some concerns if I was going somewhere I hadn't been before, on my own, but a night out /overnight stay with friends would not be an issue.

If he'd told me I "wasn't allowed" to do something and it was "not happening" then he'd be telling me from the outside of the house, from behind a locked door.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 14:07

These guys know that if their wives push them on this far enough, they'll threaten to end the marriage; and they've got them over a barrel.

Because their wives are probably currently financially dependant, because they want to keep their families together, because they think they live them etc etc.

They know if they split, the wives will be the ones trying to cope financially and they can pay barely adequate child maintenance, and dont even have to see the kids or have them overnight unless they choose to, as and when it suits them.

They think they've got the trump card, that's one of the reasons they're willing to push such unfairness on them and think they can act like dictators and not pull their weight outside of working hours.

Skippingabeat · 13/05/2021 14:07

@SeaShoreGalore

He has been unfaithful to you.
THIS!!!

He thinks you're going to do what he does when he sleeps away.

Regularsizedrudy · 13/05/2021 14:07

@Paintedpets

We have dc. He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently. I think he doesn’t want the dc on his own overnight. This wasn’t an issue pre dc. When I mentioned it to him I knew the response would be angry and it was. He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.
This is not healthy. He is controlling. Absolutely I would leave someone who treated me like this.
Cockenspiel · 13/05/2021 14:09

Also, if his first thought is that you’d be cheating - this is very likely projection.

Ugzbugz · 13/05/2021 14:09

I don't understand have another child when yet again another man turns out to be a useless controlling pig.

Does anybody think of the affect on these children and yes i grew up in a hideous house like this. They will go on to form poor relationships themselves.

He is a bully and a shit husband and father. I wouldn't be surprised if he is cheating as its always the accusers that are.

Run with your kids and never look back ever.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 13/05/2021 14:10

You made a mistake in asking not telling him. He’s going to have to learn how to deal with his own children pretty quickly if you split up and he has sole charge of them on his days. Why are the children your responsibility alone?

JustGiveMeGin · 13/05/2021 14:11

Why are you asking him for a start? The conversation with my husband would go something like 'I'm going out on the 22nd June love, I will be staying over so don't arrange anything for that weekend because you'll have the kids'.
What do you think will happen if you leave him alone with your children overnight? I'm assuming he can chuck a pizza in the oven and if their bedtime routine isn't followed for a couple of nights it won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things!
You need to help yourself a little bit here, things like this are not up for discussion and as long as you're not buggering off every weekend he needs to get a grip and deal with it.
I'm ranting now as a weekend trip got cancelled because my friends husband wouldn't look after his children overnight by himself. It makes him seem like a daft sod and her seem like a simpering fool to be honest.

Parker231 · 13/05/2021 14:11

You don’t need permission to go out with friends and have a night away. You definitely don’t need to leave instructions as how he should parent his own DC’s.
You need to start living your life as you want and he can work out for himself how to look after his own children.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 14:12

The sooner op and the other poster realise that what their h's level of investment and respect for the marriage is, and their general attitude towards their partner & family (I'm the boss, the childcare is yours, you're lucky if I help, I don't get left doing it on my own, it's your job, I get time out from kids but you don't" etc) the better.

They've left you nowhere to go but out if you don't put up with it. I don't see them permanently changing their attitude, values and character.

AgainstTheCurrent · 13/05/2021 14:13

@Paintedpets

No, he’s ok about me going out in the evening with friends. He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility. This makes it tricky. If I wanted to take up a hobby in the evening for example, it wouldn’t be easy because of his lack of willingness to sort the dc. However, I generally don’t ask for much. I’m usually here, at home.
I would explain that his controlling behavior is likely to lead to divorce and therefore he clearly needs the practice of looking after his children for when he has contact with them so may as well start on your night away.

Tell him he can't go out on his night away and see how he likes it.

The thing is if he is not violent and there are no other red flags then you really need to assert yourself now or it will be like this forever. I would bring it up again but not ask, tell. I thought about what you said and actually I want to go so have told them I am. This is the date and you will need to be here to have our children. I will not be told No as if I was a child by the one person who is meant to be my equal and my partner. I refuse to tell my friends that my husband will not let me out.

CookieClub · 13/05/2021 14:13

As others have said...I'd be very very concerned as his reasons. Different if you couldn't afford to go away and were out every weekend on the piss, neglecting him and the kids...but by the sounds of it, he can live a fun lifestyle and you're not allowed any interests outside of the kids and home Sad

Maybe sit and have a chat with him. It may stem from his ability to cope with the kids alone. Some people genuinely don't know how to do so, especially if they've not had good direction themselves, or a healthy upbringing. Maybe he doesn't know 'how' to be a good hands-on parent, or you've always enabled him to be like another child because you've been the responsible one..?

Maybe have a chat with him and then take it from there. But ultimately, yes I would be very concerned and realising I didn't want to be married to someone so selfish.

1forAll74 · 13/05/2021 14:14

I wouldn't ask if it's ok to go out somewhere, I would Say I was going out somewhere.I would not be leaving a Husband for this reason,that is a bit silly. He needs to have a bit of a shake up,with an attitude like this.

squeaver · 13/05/2021 14:14

You are in a terrible marriage.

You should not have to ask permission to do anything.

He should not feel he has any right to tell you what you can and can't do.

He should be capable of looking after his own children for one night by himself.

You should have a loving and generous relationship which also includes time for you to do the things you want to do, by yourself.

None of these things should be up for debate. I strongly urge you to think very carefully about staying married to this man.

GreyStairs · 13/05/2021 14:15

Sorry but the fact that you were even nervous to ask says a lot. You will now start looking at all other aspects of his behaviour and seeing things that are perhaps also abusive.
You shouldn’t have to, but is there family that can babysit your children for the night? Of course he should have to, their his own children and it’s not babysitting. That way you can have a night with your friends and some normality and perhaps start making plans to leave him.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/05/2021 14:17

I wouldn't be asking my DHs permission in the first place, i would be telling him. It's one thing for him to hold the opinion of it not being safe and expressing concern about it but it's something else entirely when it's safe when he wants to go but suddenly unsafe for you?

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 14:17

Also, if his first thought is that you’d be cheating - this is very likely projection.

I didn't think of this big unfortunately there's sometimes a vein of truth in it.

What are he and his mates getting up to on their separate nights if that's what he thinks.

Also men who treat women unfairly and unequally in one aspect of life rarely treat them fairly and equally in others; these types do tend to be the "what they don't know won't hurt them, sure I provide and do everything, monogamy is unrealistic, everyone had a little play away now and then if the opportunity comes up" (or with sex workers which they often don't even consider "real" cheating).

Cuntryhouse · 13/05/2021 14:18

He's projecting...

Mulhollandmagoo · 13/05/2021 14:19

Yes, I would absolutely consider splitting up - I'd be setting the wheels in motion now if I were you!

What does he say if you mention him going away, ask him why that's allowed but its not allowed for you to go away?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/05/2021 14:20

OK after reading the updates I wouldn't assume he was cheating, just that he's one of those man babies who's incapable of looking after his own children. I couldn't put up with that shit tbh

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 14:20

It's one thing for him to hold the opinion of it not being safe and expressing concern about it but it's something else entirely when it's safe when he wants to go but suddenly unsafe for you?

I've also found "safety" to be one of the text book go-to's for controlling men when trying to stop their partner going somewhere/doing something without them (in more extreme cases used to make sure they come home from work immediately, call them constantly etc).