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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 13/05/2021 17:07

@Paintedpets

So he's allowed nights away to do stuff with friends but you're not?

Safety isn't anything to do with it.

It basically boils down to he doesn't want to do any parenting on his own for 24 hours.

Unfortunately I've seen this a lot in my social circle/family/work colleagues;DP's and DH's are funny about looking after DC's alone even for a couple of hours.

Tabitha005 · 13/05/2021 17:09

Just here to absolutely second what most have already said; that your husband sounds like a lazy, controlling bastard and you'd be very much better off without him.

There's a whole other, much more enjoyable life waiting for you outside of what sounds, to me (and, admittedly, through the medium of an online forum where no-one knows anyone else) a very lonely existence within your marriage.

If I were you, I'd be plotting and planning like no-one's business in order to move on from a man who sounds terribly unaware of anyone but himself.

JamCrackers · 13/05/2021 17:14

Controlling prick. Also pathetic that he can’t look after his own children.

I wouldn’t put up with this shit a moment longer.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 13/05/2021 17:14

@LynnInAVan

Makes me wonder what he gets up to on his overnighters
That was my first thought too, if he automatically jumps to conclusions about what you might be doing.
FatCatThinCat · 13/05/2021 17:15

If my DH said I couldn't go away I'd listen to him. But that is because if my DH said not to go there'd be a bloody good reason and it would be so exceptionally out of character that it would warrant being taken seriously.

But that's not what you're really asking. If my DH was the kind of person who didn't know how to take care of his own kids, who went out and away with his mates while telling me I couldn't, and who shut down any discussion of what I could or couldn't do, then I'd either laugh in his face or hit him over the head with a frying pan or both.

As others have said, he's not your boss and he doesn't get to decide what you do or don't do. It's also very worrying that you were scared to tell him and scared of his reaction. You deserve to live your life without fear and without being controlled by someone who should be helping you to fly.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/05/2021 17:16

My DH would never tell me I couldn't do anything. Why would he? I'm an adult, and perfectly capable of making my own decisions in life.

And yes, saddled with a man who thought I needed his permission to do things and who was incapable of looking after his own children I would leave.

He sounds awful. I wouldn't be 'considering' splitting up.

I'd be done.

LondonJax · 13/05/2021 17:16

My DH would probably say 'great idea, do you want a lift to the station?' (and has done so).

The only reasons I'd be 'asking' DH about me having a break away with friends is a) has he got something on at work that would mean a late night home with regard to DS or b) have I forgotten something we'd agreed to go to, like a birthday drink or something at school for DS. Other than that I wouldn't expect to hear anything negative.

I really don't understand DH/DP that have such a to-do with looking after their own kids. DH used to give me his air miles (he was travelling a lot) so that I could book a hotel away for a weekend in London on my own about once a quarter. So I would go and see a show. Sometimes arrange to meet up with friends for lunch or an evening meal in the city, sometimes I'd just have a wander into Covent Garden and have a peaceful night in! That started when DS was about 6 months old.

DH would take DS swimming or to the cinema, home for a pizza (when DS was old enough) then a farm or something similar the next day. Bit of male bonding. But then he always did the bath routine at night for the same reason. As he said I had to learn the bottle, nappy change and feeding routine - it wasn't pre set in my brain - so he could learn it too.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 13/05/2021 17:20

Nobody will ever tell me what I can and cannot do, you let him get away with controlling you once, he will do it more and more.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 17:26

The dc are/is 14!!!! What exactly is it that he can't do with/for them? They're hardly babies!

I'd be telling him to get to fuck with his accusations.

What a twat!

leavingtime · 13/05/2021 17:27

My ex would try and tell me what I could wear on nights out. I wanted a week away with a friend after bringing up our children without a break for 7 years. The answer was no. I wanted to move house...neighbours were snobs and I was isolated. The answer was no. I brought home every penny of my PT wages, I found out he was withholding a proportion of his [turned out to be about 37-40% of it]. Our children also irritated him and he was Victorian with them...until I would step in and tell him how ridiculous, miserable and controlling he was being to 2 happy little boys.

Controllers project their standards of behaviour on you, when it's them that need watching. And I don't think they change. Bullies really.

I told him marriage was over. 4 months later I was in Canada on holiday with a friend. No one should control anyone, let alone someone they supposedly 'love' and want the best for. My life became instantly happier and enjoyable...freedom awaits OP, he is dragging you down.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/05/2021 17:27

@Paintedpets

No, he’s ok about me going out in the evening with friends. He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility. This makes it tricky. If I wanted to take up a hobby in the evening for example, it wouldn’t be easy because of his lack of willingness to sort the dc. However, I generally don’t ask for much. I’m usually here, at home.
OP you need to listen to yourself. You know this isn't normal.
Maze76 · 13/05/2021 17:28

Sounds to be like he doesn’t like not knowing what you will be doing when he’s not around. How we, as you say he’s wasn’t like this prior to having children, could be he’s not confident to have them overnight on his own? Do you have family who can take DC for the night? If you are able to do this and hubs still has an issue, the. I would really consider his reasoning.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2021 17:30

You what? The kids are teenagers? They don't even need looking after they can sort themselves out, fuck that. Just go anyway.
Then divorce him when you get back.

GroggyLegs · 13/05/2021 17:31

I wouldn't split up, but I'd bloody well go anyway.

My DH tried a bit of controlling behaviour at the start of our relationship. We broke up then & I made it very clear that there would be no third chances.

You've got one precious life. Don't waste it being a domestic appliance for a lazy man.

Original poster
Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 17:32

The youngest dc is preschool. I’ve a big gap between first and last.

OP posts:
wewereliars · 13/05/2021 17:34

OP you matter, and you are entitled to make choices too. This does not have to be your life Flowers

What would he do if you went anyway? Think about that.

bridgetreilly · 13/05/2021 17:36

He doesn't need step by step instructions for the children. He needs to be left alone to take responsibility for being a father to them. He could work it out if he had to.

Zzelda · 13/05/2021 17:38

Make it clear to him that he needs to start doing 50% of the work with the DC in the evenings and at weekends, if only so that he learns to be less helpless around them. How would he cope if you fell under the proverbial bus?

GroggyLegs · 13/05/2021 17:39

What's your fear about leaving him with the children?

If they don't get a bath, eat chips & stay up til midnight it won't kill them on one occasion.

If you're worried that he will harm them, that's very different story.

EasterEggBelly · 13/05/2021 17:40

I’d be too worried to just go anyway, he’d be pissed off. That’s a reflection on me not him though, I don’t like confrontation and will back down.
And this is what he is counting on.

In the circumstances you describe, yes I would separate. I couldn’t live with someone who was happy to leave all the child caring responsibilities to their partner. Someone who stayed overnight themselves but ‘forbid’ their partner to. Someone who hid behind ‘safety’ concerns to stop their partner living their life.

It only gets worse with time. How will he stop you once your DC are older? There will always be a reason for him to say ‘No’.

RandomMess · 13/05/2021 17:42

Yes I would split tbh.

He is deeply misogynistic and useless father.

Lweji · 13/05/2021 17:42

Do what men and he does, just go. They will sort out the children. Don't worry.

Or forbid him to go out.

If he continues to forbid you and he goes out, will you let him back in?

LocalHobo · 13/05/2021 17:45

He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility

It is not all down to him controlling you. You have allowed this ludicrous situation to become reality. I do not understand how, when DC1 arrived, he was not immediately involved in some aspect of caring responsibility.

Runmybathforme · 13/05/2021 17:45

Why do you think you need to ask him ?

Notmoresugar · 13/05/2021 17:46

What a hypocrite.
Do as I say, don't do what I do.
Personally I just wouldn't EVER have anyone control me like that.
It would honestly make me feel like I couldn't breathe.
You only live once and he's taking it away from you.