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Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
crazeelala2u · 13/05/2021 16:08

@Paintedpets

We have dc. He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently. I think he doesn’t want the dc on his own overnight. This wasn’t an issue pre dc. When I mentioned it to him I knew the response would be angry and it was. He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.
I'd be more concerned about the projection. He can, but you can't? Because he's afraid you're doing what he's done? But, that's only my experience see it that way.
Amdone123 · 13/05/2021 16:15

Not only is he controlling, he's a sexist prat who wants wifey at home.
My sister lived like this for at least 20 years. She couldn't go anywhere, and if she did get a night out, she had to soften him up weeks before. Not to mention she could only get out after the kids were sorted. He was also a lazy, aggressive shit.
Divorce him. It won't get any better.

Naunet · 13/05/2021 16:16

Op he’s meant to be your partner, not your owner. Do you like this dynamic? Did you sign up to being his property? Why did you even ask him if you could go out?

It’s time for change, don’t teach your children that this is a woman’s place in the world, at the feet of men.

romany4 · 13/05/2021 16:16

DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.

Then you say exactly the same to him.
If you can't go, neither the fuck can he.

humblesims · 13/05/2021 16:16

It would be a deal breaker for me. As would the inability to look after his own children. Marriage/parenthood should be an equal partnership. It's important that you can spend time away from the family (and he can too). He doesnt own you and he's not your Dad, you are a grown up human being that can make the decisions about what you want to do at any given time. If my DH said he didnt want me to go, I would take that into consideration but it wouldnt stop me if I really wanted to go. If he said Not going, you’re not going, not happening ...well he just wouldnt say that. If he did he wouldnt be married to me. And the fact the he is not capable of looking after his own children ....nah.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/05/2021 16:27

@Paintedpets

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal. DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening. I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

Absolutely controlling you. Go!
neveradullmoment99 · 13/05/2021 16:27

@romany4

DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.

Then you say exactly the same to him.
If you can't go, neither the fuck can he.

This!
Devlesko · 13/05/2021 16:27

Dear God, you can't be with a man like this.
Much projection going on about you being with someone else.
They usually do this when they are having an affair, or about to.

ElaborateSalad · 13/05/2021 16:28

Why are you asking his permission?

waterlego · 13/05/2021 16:30

I wouldn’t put up with that; absolute deal breaker. I’ve never asked my OH’s permission to go away for overnights/weekends with friends- I’ve told him my plans and checked that he was free to be in sole charge of the children.

Suzi888 · 13/05/2021 16:30

I would be going, The End. Wine

FinallyHere · 13/05/2021 16:30

DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.

I just can't imagine this happening. It sounds as if he has got mixed up and thinks he is your father, not your DH

Do you have access to the family money?

accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.

Yup, this means he doesn't want to have sole charge of his DC

Question is still the same, do you have access to the family money and investments ?

When anyone tries to stop me doing something I make their lives he'll. I find something much, much worse to do. But I have t needed to since I left school and started to earn my own living.

Good luck.

Lovemusic33 · 13/05/2021 16:36

Why do you need to ask to go out for a night? I would be telling him your going, not asking.

It’s ok for him to go out so why should it be any different for you?

ineedaholidaynow · 13/05/2021 16:39

How many DC and how old?

SpeakingFranglais · 13/05/2021 16:39

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

If he said I couldn't do anything at all, I would do it and do it twice. If he chose to split up over it, then more fool him.

pepsicolagirl · 13/05/2021 16:42

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP.

If there is someone supportive that you can confide in in real life then please do. Speaking to people about this sort of thing can really help and get some perspective.

It might also be a good idea to ensure that you have a conversation with womens aid. They have a live chat function on their website if that's easier for you?

Please just stay safe. You know your situation better than anyone. It is not good for you to have no freedom to keep friend relationships or access to financial independence. I suspect you have recognised that this is controlling behaviour but if you need to chat or want a non judgemental ear my inbox is open x

Coyoacan · 13/05/2021 16:48

What does he bring to your life, OP? I presume you must be madly in love with him to put up with having to bring up your children on your own and his attitude on top of that.

waitingforthenextseason · 13/05/2021 16:51

Fuck that!

You're a grown up. Completely unacceptable response. He is not your boss.

I honestly couldn't stay with someone who thought they could dictate what I could and couldn't do in this manner.

cansu · 13/05/2021 16:51

He doesn't want you to go because
he does not want the responsibility of looking after the kids
he doesn't want you to enjoy yourself away from him in case you were to meet someone else
he thinks he gets to tell you what you can and can't do.

If you go, he will sulk and make you feel miserable. Likely he will pretend he can't or won't take care of the kids. I went through this shit when my kids were younger. There were many arguments. Eventually I told him to fuck off and did what I needed to do, but it was very unpleasant. It also ruined our relationship as I then knew he was a controlling selfish arse who didn't want me to enjoy myself.

Elphame · 13/05/2021 16:55

I'd be going regardless.

I wouldn't even be asking - I'd tell him I was going and when.

Rizzoli123 · 13/05/2021 16:57

My husband is the same. He is very anxious about covid. All I wanted to do was play netball for an hour a week. If that. Not allowed till his mum has had her vaccine as he can't protect her as if she gets it we all will.

Twinkie01 · 13/05/2021 16:59

I wouldn't be asking DH, I'd be telling him.

Bluetrews25 · 13/05/2021 17:04

Sending you a big hug, OP. This is probably all quite hard to read. But you suspected anyway, didn't you?
If he knows how to look after himself then he can figure out how to look after the DCs. No-one gave you an instruction manual, did they?
What we know as fact is that he is lazy and controlling.
It's pretty likely that he has also cheated. I've seen it so many times on here - women who never go out get accused of wanting to or actually cheating by their DH who is out all the time. It's always the men at it.
You deserve a life of your own that is better than this, OP. As does the other PP above who is in the same boat.
MN can help you both when you are ready. Flowers

Wineat5isfine · 13/05/2021 17:04

Agree with lots of advice here. Tell him to fuck off, book it and go anyway.

Lollypop4 · 13/05/2021 17:05

100% I would leave

What a hypocrite

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