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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 13/05/2021 15:25

@Paintedpets

We have dc. He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently. I think he doesn’t want the dc on his own overnight. This wasn’t an issue pre dc. When I mentioned it to him I knew the response would be angry and it was. He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.
I'd be concerned about his own propensity towards having an affair, OP. He is clearly projecting.
AlmostSummer21 · 13/05/2021 15:25

Ask him how he fancies 50:50 with the children

ChequerBoard · 13/05/2021 15:27

@Paintedpets

I’m not sure, it’s not in my nature to just go anyway. Plus he’d need step by step child instructions. Not for the eldest but there are smaller ones as well. I’d be too worried to just go anyway, he’d be pissed off. That’s a reflection on me not him though, I don’t like confrontation and will back down.

This is a much bigger problem than one night away. Why the hell does a father need a guide as to how to look after his own DC?!?

Why are you with him?

Nonmaquillee · 13/05/2021 15:30

Why can he go away but you can't? I just don't understand this at all.

CovidCorvid · 13/05/2021 15:31

For me it would be a total deal breaker.

He's controlling, he's possessive/gas lighting (accusing you of an affair), he does what sounds like fuck all with the kids and you're nervous about bringing stuff up with him (because you know how he will react).

Fuck that.

CovidCorvid · 13/05/2021 15:32

How would he react if you said he couldn't go away, just a blanket refusal, no discussion.?

justasking111 · 13/05/2021 15:33

Look just go, the kids may not brush their teeth, bathe, eat right but it is just a night away. If you were divorced he would be doing this every other weekend anyway.

HoneyBeeHappy · 13/05/2021 15:36

Are you married to my eXH?

There were never opportunities for me to go out as such but he stopped me doing all manner of other things. I was offered a voluntary position at DC’s preschool, and when DC told him that mummy would be going there he turned to me and said “no you’re not.”

I did some other volunteering and he insisted on joining as well.

I was booked to go away for a week and he put barrier after barrier in place to try to stop it. That was until I complained about it on social media (in a closed group) and surprise surprise about 5 minutes later he rang me to tell me he’d sorted everything. Turns out he was spying on my social media, had logged in with all my passwords, put a key logger on my computer etc.

I think there’s a difference between discussion i.e. “I’d be worried about you if you did this, do you have to go?” And “it’s not happening.” I personally found it really hard when he said things like that to me, because it was as if the discussion was closed, and any comment would only cause further argument, so invariably I backed down.

But I would be really tempted next time he says he’s going away to say “no, it’s not happening,” and use that as a starting point for a discussion.

NinaMimi · 13/05/2021 15:38

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I could understand if he was nervous about being alone with the kids as he doesn’t know what to do. But he should know what to do with the kids for an evening and be able to learn.

He shouldn’t get angry and bring up you being with someone else. That’s odd and unhealthy.

whycantwegoonasthree · 13/05/2021 15:38

For context, my EXH used to be exactly like this. I only drew the line when he tried to prevent me from deciding not to get in a car with him in a car by rugby tackling me to the ground in a public place resulting in the police being called.

Please don't leave it as long as I did.

Either re-establish/assert the terms of the relationship with him that you want now, or just get the hell out.

I know you probably see this as a relatively minor thing you need to resolve - but those of us who have been in relationships like this can see exactly what this is.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/05/2021 15:39

To me it sounds like he is worrying you will cheat on him. Because he cheats on you on his nights out. Projection.

As far as your specific scenario goes, yes, that is ltb territory.

BertramLacey · 13/05/2021 15:46

He says it isn’t safe. When pushed. But he won’t discuss it. Not going, you’re not going, not happening.

This is the kind of controlling wankery my dad used to come out with. The lack of discussion is particularly worrying because it's announcing that whether you're right or wrong, they're just not going to listen, because they are that authoritarian. I stopped listening and moved out as soon as I could.

DustySpringboard · 13/05/2021 15:46

To answer your question, yes I would consider splitting up for all the reasons other posters have given.

You are being heavily controlled and I think deep down you know this; maybe because you've now posted about this means you're ready to do something about it.

smartiecake · 13/05/2021 15:47

Your posts are really sad OP. He isn't the boss of you. You don't need his permission, especially when he can have a night off and you can't. Everything you have said makes me feel you are in a very unhappy relationship and your H is a knob.
For me, yes It would be the end of the relationship. I am not controlled by my H, we are as equal partners as we can be. He would never dream of telling me I couldn't do something and I would never dream of asking his permission. I would tell him I was doing something on x date and he would say ' thats great '. I think she should be looking at what you want for your life. Not being downtrodden by the person you are married to. He sounds awful.

Excilente · 13/05/2021 15:48

yes, and i did, and it wasnt even about an overnight, but an afternoon out.

Was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back along with a lot of other shit at the time.

Best decision i ever made.

TurquoiseDragon · 13/05/2021 15:48

@Miasicarisatia

In a way I hope this is a wind-up, or it's an abusive man looking for clues as to how to keep a woman under control. No offence OP but I find it hard to believe that anyone would tolerate being treated like this, a partner saying 'no way not happening I won't discuss it', this is the behaviour of an authoritarian parent, who wants to be in a 'relationship' like that!
In other words, you've never been in an abusive relationship, and you don't have the wit to understand that other people may not be like you.

OP, you say he wasn't controlling like this pre DC. Well, it's frequently the case that abuse begins, or ramps up, during pregnancy/after DC are born. They think they have you trapped.

I think you should consider ending this relationship, sooner rather than later.

Confusedandshaken · 13/05/2021 15:49

I cannot imaging ever marrying anyone who said that. I would definitely go anyway.

MrsKeats · 13/05/2021 15:50

Total dealbreaker.
He's not your boss.

Welshgal85 · 13/05/2021 15:50

Oh OP I really feel for you. You deserve better than this.

You are a grown woman why does he think he can tell you what to do?
Why do you have to ask him if you are allowed to do something? You shouldn’t have to ask, but should be able to just tell him you have made plans and he will have to look after the kids, he’s not your dad, you don’t need his permission.

I do think it’s a bit odd that he doesn’t get involved in the childcare and you think he couldn’t cope on his own with the kids for one night. They are his children too, you are meant to be a team that supports eachother not you doing everything. This isn’t the 1950’s!

Also, the fact that he thinks you would use a night away to cheat rings even more alarm bells! Why doesn’t he trust you? Has he cheated and is projecting his behaviour onto you?

He sounds extremely controlling and it would make me question what you are getting from this relationship. It doesn’t sound healthy and supportive I’m afraid

katy1213 · 13/05/2021 15:50

First of all, you don't ask, you tell.
I can't believe that men like this still exist - or that women allow them to get away with it!

Eviebeans · 13/05/2021 15:52

I suspect I would treat that as a challenge

whycantwegoonasthree · 13/05/2021 15:53

Control starts off looking like protectiveness or concern. And what a great guy for wanting to take such great care of you.

Often I think it's one incident, which on it's own is nothing special that finally makes you realise, with perfect clarity, what is actually going on. For me it felt like waking up from a (bad) dream.

I think OP you have just had that moment. Don't go back to sleep now. Change something. Because if you let this happen, the next thing will be worse.

Eviebeans · 13/05/2021 16:02

I just read your post where you say you generally don't ask for much and it just made me feel terribly sad for you

Welshgal85 · 13/05/2021 16:02

@whycantwegoonasthree

Control starts off looking like protectiveness or concern. And what a great guy for wanting to take such great care of you.

Often I think it's one incident, which on it's own is nothing special that finally makes you realise, with perfect clarity, what is actually going on. For me it felt like waking up from a (bad) dream.

I think OP you have just had that moment. Don't go back to sleep now. Change something. Because if you let this happen, the next thing will be worse.

100% this!
SunshineCake · 13/05/2021 16:02

He wouldn't be my dh.

Do you understand this is wrong ? Sad.