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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

373 replies

21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:20

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

OP posts:
Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:21

I can't leave as no job, no friends, family are unsupportive and have no room for me anyway, and I won't leave my cats behind

I'm not abusive or at least try my best not to be

I have high blood pressure (controlled with meds) most likely as a result of him

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 24/04/2021 10:22

You know you need to get rid of him. Why haven't you?

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 24/04/2021 10:22

Do see your family, you need the time away from the house. He sounds awful. Is it literally just the alarm clock thing that has set this off? I’ve no real advice but I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:23

I think he really hates me even though he tells me he loves me

He often upsets me before family visit or vice versa

OP posts:
Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:23

@coodawoodashooda

You know you need to get rid of him. Why haven't you?
I have no financial independence and nowhere to go.
OP posts:
Hohoholymoley · 24/04/2021 10:23

You can leave, why would you stay? Take the cats and go. Fuck him, the big stupid prick.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:24

@TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet

Do see your family, you need the time away from the house. He sounds awful. Is it literally just the alarm clock thing that has set this off? I’ve no real advice but I’m sorry you’re going through this.
This morning it was just the alarm clock thing, yes, but he's probably saving up more ammunition.
OP posts:
PollyGray · 24/04/2021 10:25

Why do you need to leave? Why can't he go?

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:25

I don't know where to go and I have no money for a divorce

OP posts:
EnoughnowIthink · 24/04/2021 10:27

Does your family know what is happening? Could someone not put you on the sofa to give you time to get sorted out?

It sounds like you really need to dig deep and walk away. Are you job hunting?

Hohoholymoley · 24/04/2021 10:27

If you want this the stop he has to realize he's doing something wrong and want to change.
Do you think he wants to change and go to therapy?

Blossomandbee · 24/04/2021 10:27

Don't worry about a divorce for now. You might be entitled to legal aid anyway. First step is to get shot. Can you call Women's Aid? Call the police if you feel threatened. There is always a way out.

ProfessorInkling · 24/04/2021 10:27

How long have you been together?
How often is he like this?
How old are you?

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:27

I think he had this planned all along after saying yesterday that abusive women lie about being abusive, and that men's refuges are not commonplace.

I am still shaking and scared to go back downstairs

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 24/04/2021 10:27

You can gain financial independence. Get out of the house to a place of safety. Then look at what you can claim benefit wise.

Northofsomewhere · 24/04/2021 10:28

If you aren't happy in the relationship and it's abusive as well then you need to make plans to leave. There are options even if you don't have a job. I don't think anyone is going to post telling you to stay but rather give you information about how you can leave.
Speaking as a pet owner, I wouldn't want to leave them but if I couldn't take them with me (my first priority would be leaving with any children/dependants) then I would make sure they found a safe home before I did. It's more important you and any kids are in a safe, non abusive place.

BanginChoons · 24/04/2021 10:28

This is not a way to live your life.

Imagine a life where you can eat what you want, when you want, make your own choices without tiptoing around his moods, breathe, and be free? Where your cats don't have to be afraid.

You need to find a way to make this a reality.

NoraEphronsNeck · 24/04/2021 10:28

He is an abusive prick and you do not need to put up with him.

Please don't let his tantrum ruin your family visit. In fact I suspect that he started this row exactly so you don't go tomorrow. Is there a pattern there?

From the sounds of it you don't have children so only yourself to look after. Contact women's aid as they will be able to offer advice on housing. It will be a lot easier to place a single woman than someone with children.

Please don't let this be your life a minute longer Flowers

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:29

@EnoughnowIthink

Does your family know what is happening? Could someone not put you on the sofa to give you time to get sorted out?

It sounds like you really need to dig deep and walk away. Are you job hunting?

No and I won't leave my cats behind

His mother warned me years ago about him but I was young and naive

Been together over 25 years, married 10

He doesn't think he has a problem, only that I cause it

OP posts:
Lipz · 24/04/2021 10:30

Not sure why you would stay with someone like this. I'm not in the UK but I would assume that you have things like women's aid, social welfare, etc? Do you have family, friends?

titchy · 24/04/2021 10:31

Your cats can go into temporary foster care and you can go to a refuge where you will have support to move on independently. There is a route out of this.

Tlollj · 24/04/2021 10:32

Get out now. Go any where sleeping on someone’s sofa is better than this. Go now. Go today. Everything can be sorted.

Wilkolampshade · 24/04/2021 10:32

There are organizations which can help and advise,
www.womensaid.org.uk/
There is no future for you with this man. It will only get worse. You will need to leave.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:32

No DC involved

He's still shut away in the living room with the TV up loud.

I tried to talk to him earlier and apologise but he kept yelling at me to f off and to not follow him around (fair enough, but I just want to make clear to him I never wanted to cause upset)

As it was, he didn't get up and storm downstairs until 9.30 anyway

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 24/04/2021 10:33

Why won’t you go to see your family? In fact couldn’t you go today and speak to them about this? If you’ve no job where you are, could you look into jobs nearer your family? Look on entitled to website to see what benefits you’d get, and if you divorced you’d also get some kind of financial package.

It’s horrible to be shouted at and verbally abused- if you went down and didn’t “f off” would he escalate to violence? Has he ever hit or hurt you physically?

Bottom line you are worth a better life. Please make this the last day you feel like this.