DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

Definitely tell your family.

How much equity is there in your house?

Do you have access to joint savings/account?

There are organisations which will look after pets temporarily if you have to get away.

Please don't waste any more of your life living this way.

I'm none of the things he says I am

One thing he said that really hurt me a few months ago was that I have no empathy for other people

I wish I could be the perfect wife, bet if I kept the house immaculate and cooked perfect meals he wouldn't be half as bad

His Mother could have been abusive but the line his Mother warned me about him really stuck in my mind, bearing in mind he is calling you an abuser as well. He may very well be saying that stuff to excuse himself.

You do just need to get away from this man and I am not a knee jerk LTB sort of poster.

Please tell your family, tell your Dad that the one time he saw your husbands mask slip that’s it’s like that all the time and that you were too embarrassed to say anything.

I'm still in my dressing gown and need to have a shower but cannot move

Next I'll probably be called lazy

Nearly driven me to suicide before

Is he financially abusive? Does he keep the money away from you, or only give you a small allowance?

End of the day, you either live like this or you take steps to leave. Your posts are a litany of why you cant do anything, so I guess you are choosing to stay and just want to vent. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember it is a choice and hopefully one day you may be determined enough to get him out if your life.

Honestly, I'd talk to your mum and ask for her advice. If it were me I'd move to mums with the pets while I search for a job. If that wasnt an option, I'd put the pets into the pets shelter and escape to a refuge. You do have a choice. I doubt you want to spent the rest of your life with this man, in this situation? Please dont waste what time you have left.

It's clearly not right TBF I wouldn't be happy being told to set my alarm and i have things to do .
Sorry your not going to fix this one it won't improve

@21833efb

I'm none of the things he says I am

One thing he said that really hurt me a few months ago was that I have no empathy for other people

I wish I could be the perfect wife, bet if I kept the house immaculate and cooked perfect meals he wouldn't be half as bad

This is really skewed thinking. I don't keep an immaculate house or cook perfect meals but my DH would never abuse me because of this because he is a decent man. Your DH is a horrible man who has done a real number on you. Remember you on't need to leave right this minute but you can start making plans to go. I think telling someone what his happening would be a good first step. Go and meet your family as you planned and tell them if you can trust them.

@21833efb

I'm none of the things he says I am

One thing he said that really hurt me a few months ago was that I have no empathy for other people

I wish I could be the perfect wife, bet if I kept the house immaculate and cooked perfect meals he wouldn't be half as bad

I think he would, it would just be something else. It's not something you've done that makes him be like this, it's something in him that's broken. Please try to tell your dad or your brother how he talks to you - even if you just showed them your OP on this thread, that's horrifying enough, though it doesn't sound like it's any more than the latest in a long string of awfulness. Could any of your family look after your cats for you for a while, if you left your husband?

I wish I could be the perfect wife, bet if I kept the house immaculate and cooked perfect meals he wouldn't be half as bad

No. You shouldn’t be doing stuff like that to stop him being a twat.
What a difficult situation. It’s all very well people saying just leave but it isn’t as easy as that when you have no financial independence.

Is he the reason you don’t have a job? Did he want you in a situation where you can’t leave.

@Beautiful3

Honestly, I'd talk to your mum and ask for her advice. If it were me I'd move to mums with the pets while I search for a job. If that wasnt an option, I'd put the pets into the pets shelter and escape to a refuge. You do have a choice. I doubt you want to spent the rest of your life with this man, in this situation? Please dont waste what time you have left.

My DM thinks the sun shines out of his behind and hasn't believed me in the past when I've tried to tell her what's going on.

No point asking for her support

Thank you everyone for your replies. I thought everything was OK after a calm few weeks but I was wrong.

I have never spoken to anyone about him, my DB had an inkling a few years ago but he thinks we're OK now and I can't bring myself to tell him otherwise.

So you feel you cannot ask for help because you are busy defending the illusion that your marriage is perfect. You are defending the reputation of the man who is abusing you because you feel his shame is somehow your shame. This is quite usual in abusive relationships, btw.

The first step for anyone in this situation is to tell someone. You have to let the light in so that everyone, you included, can see how very abnormal your situation is.

I think I will speak to DF and let him know what's going on. Not that he can really help .

Yes, tell your dad. Even if he can’t offer practical help, it would be good to get it out in the open with someone who cares about you.

Have you ever called him predictable. You are going to see your family so he kicks off.

I think as you are married and been together so long I presume there is a lot of equity in the house. Possibly enough to buy yourself another place and with a bit of UC until you get another job I think you would be long term financially in a not bad position

The problem is getting from where you are now to being in your own home with your cats. (Any chance of taking the dog as well as I hate to think of any animal living with done one so nasty)

I think not going tomorrow might be a good idea. Is he likely to do anything to your cats whilst you are not there?
I would contact WA to discuss all your options and maybe get a meeting with a divorce lawyer who specialises in domestic violence/coercive control and look at how to get yourself out of this marriage. I think the initial meeting is free.
Because of the abuse you could look at legal aid.
If you aren’t able to get legal aid you could ask to put your bill on hold till the house is sold or he buys you out.

I would start to get copies of bank statements, pensions and investments and mortgage statements etc and start to get an idea of what you are actually worth.

The hardest step is that first step and it won’t be an easy journey but you have to think about the rest of your life.

You seem to have family OP what makes you think none of them will help you? Your Mum, Dad, Brother? Could one take your pets for a bit even if you go to a refuge? Please talk to them or to woman’s aid. There is a way out of you want it.

You didn’t do anything wrong in suggesting he set an alarm! He is a grown man. My ex used to shout and name call, switching back and forth between that and telling me he really didn’t mean what he said. I was never afraid of him though. You should not be afraid to be in your own home. You deserve better. Be kind to yourself.

abusers often alienate you from family and friends. They also accuse you of abusing them, projection. His behaviour is completely predicatable and textbook. You are walking on eggshells praying he will be cheerful and nice to you. So sorry you are living like this. You can escape - you really can. Read and take all the advice here. Everyone is on your side.

You know that he's awful and that you need to leave him - what you have is no life at all. Try to take a step back and make some plans. Firstly, you need to arrange for somewhere to go, whether that be a refuge or a friend's sofa, and also somewhere for your cats to go. I'm sure you love them, but you can't use them as an excuse not to leave him.

Once you've found a home for your cats and a temporary one for yourself, then pack, leave and do not return. You will be able to get some free legal advice and you will also be entitled to half the house if the mortgage is in your name. You should also be entitled to some benefits, although they will probably not be available instantly.

The most important thing here is to get away from him - you've spent far too long putting up with someone who sounds like a complete arsehole.

If you have a joint bank account then take some money from there too before he empties it.

Good luck - please don't put up with this any longer

@21833efb

I'm none of the things he says I am

One thing he said that really hurt me a few months ago was that I have no empathy for other people

I wish I could be the perfect wife, bet if I kept the house immaculate and cooked perfect meals he wouldn't be half as bad

OP -

I know it is difficult, but I think the first thing you need to work on is seeing the bigger picture - nothing you do or don’t do will change him. He’s abusive because that’s how he is.

Try and move your focus out of this relationship towards your future. Go and see your family tomorrow as a priority, and tell them at least some of it. Ring women’s aid on Monday (and if you have any trouble getting through ring Citizens Advice for other services in your area.) Talk to your rescue centre - try and talk to someone there properly, but if you can’t, at least be clear that you have to move as a priority - and get them to help you sort temp care for the animals.

You will be OK financially - explain what’s happening to women’s aid and some temp accommodation will be found for you, they will help with benefits and get you into a back to work programme. You can visit the animals till you can get a place together which won’t take that long. It’s very important you don’t soft peddle what’s happening to anyone - they need to know how bad your situation is to help you.

Do not talk to him about your plans, just stay out of his way while you sort things out to leave.

Once you’ve left you can see a solicitor to sort out your finances so you can get the house sold.

Take the first step, and it will fall into place - don’t look at the whole mountain - just the next step. But do look forward - focus on your future, this relationship is your past.

And keep posting on here - it’s vital not to be isolated.

It's good that you're talking, even to strangers on a forum, speak to someone in real life.
This sounds like no way to live, for you or him. You can start making plans for a new life, by yourself, with your cats, where you're not treading on eggshells or being shouted at for things you haven't done. I can pretty much guarantee you will be happier without your DH.

@WalkingDownTheStreet

He's a cunt to call you names, but why on earth are you telling him when to get up, when to set his alarm? You say that you try not to be abusive. What do you mean by that? Why were you following him around? He seems to feel that you are abusing him. Where is he getting this notion from?

He wanted to get a few things done today and so I said to set his alarm for 7.30, but really it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't

I followed him this morning to apologise and to try to say I wasn't being selfish

Guess I just wanted him to say sorry for the verbal abuse and to hug me

I don't know why he thinks I am being abusive. He is the abusive one and has been for years.

I can hear him talking to his dog all nicely but I know if I go downstairs he'll yell at me again and/or swear.

Lots of people just dont get how a woman can end up in this scenario but it's the boiling frog analogy. He doesn't start off being an utter cunt but it was always him. It's not your fault. It's not his mother's fault either. He's the only one who is responsible.