DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

you can leave and you must or it will be like this until the day one of you dies. And as he's already been physically abusive once, he may be the cause of your death.

cats can go to a temporary foster home. Please, please call women's aid

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

there IS an escape and you do not deserve this life. It is NOT your fault and I am pissed off at the poster who suggests that it is.

Stop making excuses for him.

Talk to your family: tell them what’s going on. Ask for help.

If they still won’t help at all, come back here and rethink.

But you have said your brother suspected something before.

I would put money on them being more willing than you think. And you won’t know until you try.

Why do you want to someone who speaks to you like that? Why wouldn't you go to your family? Of course you should go

@21833efb

I volunteer for a rescue organisation so perhaps they can help

This is a good idea. If one of my colleagues, even someone I didn't really know, asked me for help in a situation like this, I'd be happy to do everything I could. You say you don't have many friends, but you don't need to be close friends with someone to want to help them out of an abusive relationship.

I have never spoken to anyone about him, my DB had an inkling a few years ago but he thinks we're OK now and I can't bring myself to tell him otherwise

Why can't you tell him? He might be able to help you.

He's just turned off the TV and gone into the garage, I know there were things he wanted to do out there today

Hopefully he'll calm down while he's out there

Agree with a PP that he probably would have had a go about anything today

I'm still shaking and feel sick

Will get in touch with Women's Aid

When he went downstairs this morning he sounded happy when he was calling out for his dog and turning on the radio. I happily thought to myself he's in a good mood, then I went down and that is when he turned nasty.

I've got a whole list of things he's said and done over the years.

There is an escape and posters above have told you how.

And although you say you wouldn’t leave the cats behind, please don’t leave the dog in this environment either.

No one and nothing should have to live in fear. Even if it might be ‘his’ dog.

You don’t deserve it. The animals don’t either.

The fault here is all his; you're not responsible for his choices and actions.

There is help out there for you; you need to be very brave here and take the first step out of this hell you are in on your own. You're on blood pressure pills because of him; you likely won't need those going forward if he is out of your day to day life.

Your cats can be temporarily fostered and cared for; they are no reason to stay with this man.

Womens Aid can and will help you here; please reach out to them.

Please tell your brother; do not let any misplaced sense of pride prevent you from doing so.

What should I say or do when he undoubtedly later becomes abusive again?

There is no point defending myself.

He's a very typical abuser. He sets you up, he says you're abusive, he gets worse around family visits. You can leave. As a single person you would be entitled to benefits. Can friends temporarily take your cats while you go to a refuge and try to get your life sorted? The alternative is dedicating the rest of your life to this misery.

@21833efb

I know it's no excuse but his DM was abusive to him. We are no longer in touch with her anyway

I have never spoken to anyone about him, my DB had an inkling a few years ago but he thinks we're OK now and I can't bring myself to tell him otherwise.

I think your brother would probably like to know if you're not ok, so he can help you. Do you have a reason to think he wouldn't? Your husband behaving like this to you is not because of anything you've done, and there's nothing you can do to stop him, because he'll keep finding things to pick on and blow up about. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about.

Have you got any evidence of his abuse like texts or emails?

Have you previously had long term employment?

I'm not abusive or at least try my best not to be

Can you expand on this?

My DF once saw him kick off at me and told him off - DF then asked me privately afterwards if he always talks to me like that but I couldn't bring myself to admit he does

DH was furious my DF was concerned about me

I think I will speak to DF and let him know what's going on. Not that he can really help .

@21833efb

I think he really hates me even though he tells me he loves me

He often upsets me before family visit or vice versa

A common tactic with an abuser. Go see your family/have them over. Don’t let him isolate you from them. Call the domestic abuse helpline 08082000247 talk to them tell them everything including your reasons why you feel like you can’t leave.

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you got any evidence of his abuse like texts or emails?

Have you previously had long term employment?

No texts or emails

Yes, previously had long term employment but had to leave when we relocated for his job. Apparently that was my choice too and I chose where we live.

@21833efb

What should I say or do when he undoubtedly later becomes abusive again?

There is no point defending myself.

Is he physically abusive?

@21833efb

My DF once saw him kick off at me and told him off - DF then asked me privately afterwards if he always talks to me like that but I couldn't bring myself to admit he does

DH was furious my DF was concerned about me

I think I will speak to DF and let him know what's going on. Not that he can really help .

Oh yes, please tell your Dad. In the meantime, do you know about 'grey rock'?

You are NOT an idiot. It is NOT your fault. He is abusive. Repeat that, he is ABUSIVE. If you feel you can't leave him now, that should be your ultimate goal. Speak to your family, friends, as well as the organisations already recommended. Start planning how and when you can leave.

I know how hard it is, it took me far longer than it should have for me to leave, but I know I left when I could.

Trust me, the hardest bit was actually leaving. Once he had gone I felt I could breath again. I started getting my confidence back, and things got so much easier.

We are all here for you.

Used to have quite a few friends but they've all gone now because of moving twice in 10 years and some because of him.

@TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet

Do see your family, you need the time away from the house. He sounds awful. Is it literally just the alarm clock thing that has set this off? I’ve no real advice but I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Yes, do go out, you need a break.

Your husband sounds utterly vile. If you can't go, can you kick him out?

Firstly you are NONE of those vile things he calls you. Secondly please tell your family. Don't underestimate how much emotional support can help you. They might even find a way to help you. If you divorce him, you won't walk away with nothing. The house is half yours too.

Tell your brother. He will be expecting it.

Tell your family, can you go see them today instead of tomorrow? See if you can stay with them

Call the police if this escalates