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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

373 replies

21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:20

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

OP posts:
Watchingyouwazowski · 24/04/2021 11:15

Hi OP
This is my first ever post after a couple of years of just lurking!
Some people are saying you're choosing to stay and I know this will make you feel useless.
I have been in your shoes and to some extent, I still am. I was with my partner for 25 years. I felt there was no way out. I started the Freedom program - after a year of feeling too scared in case he found out!
I reached out for more help and it came. He is out of our home. He's not happy but I've done it! The road ahead isn't an easy one to travel but I've made a start.
I want you to know that I felt like you and I didn't think I could ever leave the relationship, or be worthy of anything else. I'm starting to find myself now.
Please, please reach out for help. You will not regret it.

wewereliars · 24/04/2021 11:15

Porcupineintherough your comment is really unpleasant, patronising and judgmental. The OP is in a horrible situation, has been ground down for years by abuse and is reaching out for help /support. It takes a lot of courage to do that. If you've nothing consructive to say say nothing.

OP your husband is an abusive bully, whatever you do will never be good enough, because the problem is with him. Posting on here is a good first step. Get dressed, and go and see your family. Reach out to them for support. Secrecy is the abuser's superpower Flowers

partyatthepalace · 24/04/2021 11:16

@MyDcAreMarvel

He is abusive however you were controlling with the alarm. It’s not normal to tell an adult when to get up.
@MyDcAreMarvel - Let’s focus on the big stuff shall we? The OP is already excessively self critical as a result of years of abuse, she doesn’t need your help with that. She needs to focus on the future.
Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 11:18

Forgot to mention,, family are over 3 hours drive away.

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 24/04/2021 11:18

I hope you called him 'ex husband' !!!

Boonlark · 24/04/2021 11:21

Just wanted to say, that when your partner is abusive you get very anxious about the idea of anything that might set them off. So OP may have said to set the alarm because she's had experience of being blamed for letting him sleep in, in the past. The fact is an abuser will use anything to blame their victim, and so the victim learns to pre-empt anything that might go wrong. It's hellish.

Inthesameboatatmo · 24/04/2021 11:27

Contact womens aid ,shelter that kind of thing ,you will also more than likely qualify for universal credit or similar.
Good luck

user113424742258631134 · 24/04/2021 11:28

"Calm" Times are just the ones where he has such tight control of you he feels no need to kick off to bring you back in line. The abuse is continuous regardless of whether he's kicking off or not. He always has control of you either way.

Abuse is about power and control. Hence blaming you, isolating you, keeping you in edge.

You need to talk to Women's Aid and make a safe plan to leave him.

You stay with him, your life stays a nightmare.

R0wantrees · 24/04/2021 11:28

One thing he said that really hurt me a few months ago was that I have no empathy for other people

I wish I could be the perfect wife, bet if I kept the house immaculate and cooked perfect meals he wouldn't be half as bad

Abusive men often follow same script OP.
Blatent false accusations are admissions.
He is responsible for his abusive behaviours, these are not because you have failed in housewife duties.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme, 'Living With The Dominator'
freedomprogramme.co.uk/rules-of-the-game.php

Freedom Programme runs free courses for women (via Zoom)

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 11:31

He also says I play the victim. This isn't true. I am just upset when he abuses me.

He has a short temper, is easily frustrated and has no patience. He never has and I am a mug for putting up with it.

Kills me when I hear him laughing on calls with his colleagues.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 24/04/2021 11:32

@Boonlark is right. It doesn't matter what you do - its not about your behaviour. Heis an abuser, he's nasty and you are his victim so whatever you do will be twisted so he can criticise you for it.

Don't stop looking for a job. Talk to the people at your volunteering job, see if any of them have ideas and know who could foster your cats for a while. Once you start making plans, you will see a path to freedom begin to emerge, and eventually you will have the strength to follow that path.

A couple of years ago, two of us at work helped another colleague escape from her violent and abusive husband. They had been together over 30 years and he had abused her all that time. We literally packed her and her clothes into my car,and drove her to my other colleague's house, where she stayed for a few weeks until she was able to get her own flat. I am only telling you this story to show you that escape is possible from the worst situations.

MumW · 24/04/2021 11:33

It sounds as though both your DB and DDad would listen to you if you can bring yourself to confide in them.
As others have said, contact Women's Aid and start thinking about an escape plan.
See if you can find foster homes for your cats (would your DB or parents be willing to take them on?) and put together copies of all the paperwork, particularly finances. If you can, squirrel away as much money as possible.

If you were to move back to where your old job was, would you be able to rekindle some friendships/contacts?

It might not be easy, but there is always a way. Living in a refuge with no money has got to be better than your existence here.

Sending 💜, strength and good luck.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 11:33

Had so many plans for today to prepare for seeing my family tomorrow but now I just can't push on with them.

Slung on old clothes, not showered or combed my hair.

Sorry none of this is constructive but just want to talk.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 24/04/2021 11:34

Are you in the UK.

I think you should call womens aid for advice

listershologram · 24/04/2021 11:34

Go and see your family as planned and tell him he can use the time to find a refuge if he thinks that would be a better life.

Bobbiebigbum · 24/04/2021 11:34

He probably did to get you upset so you wouldn't go and see family. See them anyway.

Also, can you branch out on your own? Get your ducks in a row and get somewhere to live, just you and your pets? You don't need anyone else on your side to do this (taking from experience just did this 3 years ago).

ShowMeHow · 24/04/2021 11:35

At this point it really is not about who is right or wrong.

Toxic relationship.

Find a way out, you are just not good together, end of.

I know it’s not as easy as that but you only have one life.

Good luck

KeeTcat · 24/04/2021 11:35

Does he monitor your phone calls and Internet usage? Be very careful OP, you are at high risk of homicide, even more so when you are leaving the abuser. Your cats are at risk of harm, whether you stay or go.

He's a dangerous, volatile monster. It sounds as though he's isolated you from a support system making you an easy target for his violence (psychological and or physical).

Do you have pet carriers and some spare cash? A church near by? I'd pack a bag and get yourself to the police station with your cats. Tell the police you are at immediate risk of serious harm and need help to remove your belongings from the property.

Busy today, but will come back on to check on you. FlowersFlowersFlowers

PeckyOwl · 24/04/2021 11:36

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/ (also has a page with information on charities who will temporarily foster pets while you get sorted).

You could be the "perfect" Stepford housewife and he'd just find something else to criticise. Please go and see your family tomorrow.

Amumtomyson · 24/04/2021 11:37

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It is horrible to feel trapped. Why are men so agressive sometimes 🥺

anxietyanonymous · 24/04/2021 11:37

He has conditioned you to believe that noone can help you. You have given two examples of relatives who have concerns.

With the greatest respect you say you have nothing to leave with. But that also means you have nothing to stay for.

If family cant house you would they take your pets. Whilst you go in a refuge.

Why would he mention refuges if he didn't know he was abusing you.

You are a grown woman cowering upstairs in fear in her own home. This is not acceptable and you deserve more. ANYTHING is better then this.

If you cooked the 'perfect' meal he would find fault or add salt or whatever. Keeping you in line and repressed is his aim.

Amumtomyson · 24/04/2021 11:38

@21833efb

He also says I play the victim. This isn't true. I am just upset when he abuses me.

He has a short temper, is easily frustrated and has no patience. He never has and I am a mug for putting up with it.

Kills me when I hear him laughing on calls with his colleagues.

I know how you feel there...
onthinice · 24/04/2021 11:40

Please please leave. I promise you, life outside of this abuse exists and it is wonderful and free. Even after all that time together, where you have been conditioned to think a certain way about yourself and your abuser, given space and time to heal you will know yourself again very soon and you will be happy. The cats can go into a Foster home, sort that out now (I expect women's aid will be able to advise) and then leave. You WILL be safe, you WILL be happy, you WILL get your life back xxx

SunshineCake · 24/04/2021 11:40

He will never change so you have to be the one to do so. Otherwise you'll be another woman killed by their partner.

Call your dad. Today. We are all here to help and support you. Think about waking up tomorrow in a safe place. You can do it. You just have to start.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 11:41

@KeeTcat

Does he monitor your phone calls and Internet usage? Be very careful OP, you are at high risk of homicide, even more so when you are leaving the abuser. Your cats are at risk of harm, whether you stay or go.

He's a dangerous, volatile monster. It sounds as though he's isolated you from a support system making you an easy target for his violence (psychological and or physical).

Do you have pet carriers and some spare cash? A church near by? I'd pack a bag and get yourself to the police station with your cats. Tell the police you are at immediate risk of serious harm and need help to remove your belongings from the property.

Busy today, but will come back on to check on you. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Thanks, I might do that but where can I take my belongings to?

Also would not want to come back to the house to collect the remainder of my stuff especially if he's here

He doesn't monitor my Internet or phone usage to my knowledge

I don't know why he hates me so much

We could've dealt with this in a better way rather than being verbally abused.

Yes to pp about being anxious about everything in case it sets him off.

OP posts: