DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

You can report your OP and ask MN to move this thread to the relationships board.
Read some of the threads on there and you will realise you are far from alone. Many women on MN have had great support and advice on there and have managed to escape from abusive relationships.

You have to leave.

I’d you contact women’s aid they will help you to a refuge, help sort out funds so you can live, help you find more permanent accommodation, help you to start processing the abuse so that in the future you can look for training or employment. Please contact them, your life will be infinitely better.

OP, you don't deserve any of this it's not your fault that your partner is dysfunctional and abusive
Please start making your plan to leave, you deserve a better life

@Chocaholic9

You have to leave.

I know and I am trying to.

Just go to your family and talk to them about this situation, and start to plan a way to leave him, tell him nothing. If you had kids with him would be harder for you

Also, if you are seeing family tomorrow anyway then stay there, bring your pets if you can (not sure if he will be around while you're getting ready to go, don't do anything to raise suspicion that you are leaving for good if so- maybe you could call to say you've had to stay due to a family emergency, and then when he's next out go round and get your things and animals with a member of your family for support). You say you can't stay with family but they will want to help you in any way they can once they know the reality of your situation x

He doesn't hate you. He just doesn't see you as fully human and uses you for his own release. If you decide to leave, don't tell him and don't let him see you packing. Either get some relatives to be there when you pack your stuff and leave, pack it when he's not around, or gradually sneak stuff out of the house.

OP - can't help wondering did YOU set HIS alarm for 7.30 a m on a Saturday just because it seems he had some thing he to do or did he set it himself or does it go off at that time automatically?

I need help too so following this thread

Best of luck OP... Leaving can feel so hard by the time you get to this point because the abuse grinds you down and erodes your confidence.

@tara66

OP - can't help wondering did YOU set HIS alarm for 7.30 a m on a Saturday just because it seems he had some thing he to do or did he set it himself or does it go off at that time automatically?

He physically set his alarm for 7.30 - I didn't do it for him but also didn't see him set it for that time.

Perhaps I really am a selfish cow and all the other things he says.

Tell your mum, sleep on her living room floor if you have to. Put cats in a refuge for now. Get a job. Move out.

You can make this complicated by using the cats as a reason to stay, or you can get out before he eventually leaves you destitute, live in difficulty for a bit but actually have a life. Only you can help yourself by taking action. Xx

@Amumtomyson sorry to hear you are going through similar. I hope there is some advice here that will help you. Xxx

[quote onthinice]@Amumtomyson sorry to hear you are going through similar. I hope there is some advice here that will help you. Xxx[/quote]
Thank you💓 I had a thread last night but it was taken down 🥺 xxx

He just doesn't see you as fully human and uses you for his own release
This^
What's going on is all about him, he is dysfunctional and unable to regulate his own emotions so he reflexively uses every technique possible to keep you under control so that you'll be at available as his punch bag

@Amumtomyson

I need help too so following this thread

@Amumtomyson

Do you feel able to start your own thread? You could link to it on here.

I guess from your username that there is a child involved so the advice you get might be different and it would avoid derailing this thread.

If you need help, it's really important for you to get it so please do start a thread.

Also happy for you to PM me for support if that would help

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Leaving is not the dead end you think it is. You just need practical advice and some emotional support to do it. There are organisations like Women's Aid who may be able to help. I know it's not easy but it's not impossible x

Jesus these people saying the OP is controlling him by asking him to set an alarm..,

FFS would you have a word with yourselves?

This is a woman in an abusive relationship. Nothing the OP does or doesn’t do will make a blind bit of difference. This is the whole point.

OP you need to cut yourself off from the perception that you are inviting this or that something you do can change the way he sees you.

Forget what he thinks. It doesn’t matter.

Focus on you and your needs. Talk to your family now and take it from there.

Well why did he do as you told him and set his alarm for 7.30 if he didn't want to be woken then? This alarm thing is quite odd IMO. For one thing if he wants to get up at any time he doesn't need to be told to set his alarm he can work that out for himself (and set it for a time that suits him) yet, it seems, you told him to set his alarm for 7.30 and he did as he was told - against his will! Peculiar.

@Amumtomyson sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Helps to know I'm not alone.

I just came here to post my predicament. I am so sorry most of us are in this miserable place.

What I am doing is working on my skills, it may take 2yrs from now but I will either suck up/stand up depending upon the intensity or the mood I am in.
I dont want to say 'I cant leave beacause I have no money; 2 yrs from now'...
I do understand its different for us all but that is my plan... have some plan other than hoping he is going to change.
Hugs

@Amumtomyson I agree your advice may be different due to children being involved. Sorry to hear your thread was taken down. Try starting a new one xx

You can leave.

Ask Women's Aid about the cats. They can be fostered until you are ready to have them back.

Speak to both your Dad and your brother. Between them, would they be able to help you at least with a deposit on a rental property, for example?

Start applying for jobs where you would like to live most. Don't even think for a second about him and where you are now. Doesn't matter.

Is it where you lived last - do you still have good links there? Or somewhere nearer your family, esp. Dad? Or just somewhere where you would have a better chance of getting a good job?

Apply, apply everywhere. Then when you get the job and have a month before you start, if you could get help with the deposit then you could simply go. Don't forget about rooms in shared houses or better, lodging. You'd have company, and it would be cheaper.

You can do this. You can get away from him, start working, build up money and confidence and only then need you think about divorce. And your name is on the mortgage/deeds so ultimately, you will be able to get money from the house in a divorce.

You can do it.