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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

373 replies

21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:20

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

OP posts:
LadyEloise · 25/04/2021 11:30

21833efb
I hope you got some sleep and will be able to go to your df or db today and tell them of your awful life.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
He has messed with your head.
You need an objective opinion from your df and db.
It's also good to know that your bil and sil suspect that he is abusing you.
It's not you.
It's him.

Roadtohades · 25/04/2021 15:33
Flowers
bangheadhere40 · 25/04/2021 15:46

How are you today?

Joinedjustforthispost · 25/04/2021 18:01

@21833efb I hope you’re ok today I’m thinking of you, always here for a chat op . We may be at separate ends of the country but please don’t feel alone ever Flowers

AngelDelightUk · 25/04/2021 18:26

Hope today has been ok and you got to visit your family

ArabellaScott · 25/04/2021 21:57

OP, you are so much stronger than you know. There are so many people out there willing and able to help. You have more resources to draw on than you can clearly perceive right now.

An abusive relationship grinds you down. You won't know how strong you are until you are on the other side. The world is waiting out there, and it's a different one.

All the very best. Flowers

Queenie6655 · 25/04/2021 22:16

Also just to add
He will put on over the top niceness and big shows of love
It's all a show

Don't fall for it like I did so many times xxxx

PussInBin20 · 25/04/2021 22:46

www.aurorand.org.uk/services/domestic-violence-abuse/

Please take a look at this. You may recognise your situation and it has some really useful info. You may not be in the Hampshire area but it does have a national number you can call.

I truly hope you can leave as this is not healthy.

Original poster
21833efb · 25/04/2021 23:21

Thank you everyone for your support. My DF now knows and is going to be a great support. He is very sad for me and the moment I opened up and told him will be one of those moments I'll always remember.

H started again when I got home after a 3 hour drive, and now my head is fucked. Will update again throughout the week when I'm less tired.

Sick and tired of being told I am selfish, thoughtless, uncompassionate, stupid and that I need to change. Maybe I do and am all these things, but at the moment I don't care anymore. Not even crying.

OP posts:
Marcipex · 25/04/2021 23:24

I was wondering how you were.
Please be careful and please take your pets with you when you’ve made your plans.

LadyEloise · 25/04/2021 23:26

I'm so glad you opened up to your df. Thanks

Original poster
21833efb · 25/04/2021 23:32

@Marcipex

I was wondering how you were. Please be careful and please take your pets with you when you’ve made your plans.
@marcipex thank you, this is something I need to plan carefully for.
OP posts:
Original poster
21833efb · 25/04/2021 23:34

@Joinedjustforthispost thank you so much Flowers it helps to know I'm definitely not alone anymore.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 26/04/2021 02:13

Sick and tired of being told I am selfish, thoughtless, uncompassionate, stupid and that I need to change. Maybe I do and am all these things, but at the moment I don't care anymore. Not even crying

Do you ever turn round and say “oh do fuck off it is getting boring”
For me I think it is the repetitiveness of him churning out the same phrases over and over that I couldn’t stand.

Parkerwhereareyou · 26/04/2021 07:11

@Bythemillpond

Do you ever turn round and say “oh do fuck off it is getting boring”

Yes that's a good point - what does he say @21833efb if you tell him he's talking bollocks? I suppose just escalate it to a shouting match? :(

Great you told your dad - well done Xx

Newstaronhorizon · 26/04/2021 07:28

So excited for your new future op!! But please have the courage to let your local DV agency know what is going on just in case he turns nasty and so you have a record. Also, please let your GP surgery know what is happening because they will also be able to signpost you as will Boots ( they are trained to spot the signs of DV)

ItsGotABitOfPink · 26/04/2021 07:39

Well done for telling someone. You can do this op !

Orgasmagorical · 26/04/2021 08:07

That's so good that you've told your DF, OP, and that he'll do what he can to help you. You've taken the first scary step - well done Smile

I would still recommend calling Women's Aid, they will give you all sorts of advice about how to handle things in a way to keep yourself and your cats safe and any benefits you might be entitled to. They really are invaluable.

To PPs, although it's very tempting to tell the abuser to fuck off it is not a good idea. The abused have to do everything they can to keep themselves safe and antagonising an already angry person who will latch on to any excuse to abuse all the more is asking for trouble.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 26/04/2021 08:46

Wishing you all the best, OP!
Just keep telling yourself that your life is about to get so much better - it really is!
Keep making plans and talking to your dad and brother. They will help you. You are not alone in this - just don't give your "D"H any more headspace. He's not worth it!

Onwards and upwards!

anxietyanonymous · 26/04/2021 09:48

Glad you went and got support.

See you return for what it was. He acted up to stop you going. You 'defied' him and went anyway despite his none sense. So of course you had to be 'punished' when you got home. Good luck with plotting your exit now. Keep safe.

ArabellaScott · 26/04/2021 09:58

Well done, OP, for telling your DF. We're all here for you, too.

Original poster
21833efb · 26/04/2021 12:45

Forgot to mention DF is a retired military police officer Smile

Feeling exhausted and wretched today but have still managed to drag myself to the gym.

Been on hold to WA all morning, can't get through to them or on their chat so will keep trying.

H is extremely remorseful especially for his behaviour last night - but I don't care anymore. I haven't cried at all.

OP posts:
SamusIsAGirl · 26/04/2021 12:48

Be careful - I would react the way you usually react because I suspect he thinks you are about to leave - this is the most dangerous time.
Try not to act too normal though since that will also arouse suspicion. Take care.

DogsSausages · 26/04/2021 13:00

His job is irrelevant he is a bully, be careful as he might know your attitude has changed a bit so might think you are planning on going. Try and get all your paperwork together and an emergency bag of clothes could your dad keep these for you somewhere safe.

okokok000 · 26/04/2021 13:39

I suspect he is not remorseful at all and is trying to manipulate you. As others have said, be careful. Good luck.

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