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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

373 replies

21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:20

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

OP posts:
TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 24/04/2021 10:33

What's your living dituation? (Rent/own? In whose name)

Do you claim any benefits?

Do you drive/have a car?

ProfessorInkling · 24/04/2021 10:33

25 years is a heck of a long time.

Would you consider contacting Women’s Aid and talking it through there? You can be supported without leaving your home.

acceptableinthe80sx · 24/04/2021 10:33

Ring women's aid.

Ponoka7 · 24/04/2021 10:34

Your situation is definitely a case of needing advice from your local DV services. Women's aid are nationwide, but local services can signpost quickly to local support, including cat charities who can house cats temporarily. Still see your family, so there's still apart of you happening separate to the abuse.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:35

I really did not mean to be selfish. I knew he had things to do today so thought he would want to be up early

I am such an idiot

I don't know what to do but I need to have a shower

One of the cats is sat underneath a stool up here in my bedroom (separate rooms).

OP posts:
CecilyP · 24/04/2021 10:35

Please don't let his tantrum ruin your family visit. In fact I suspect that he started this row exactly so you don't go tomorrow. Is there a pattern there?

This. Sounds like there really is a pattern to it. Please contact women’s aid - they will help you see your options. You can’t go on like this.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:36

I volunteer for a rescue organisation so perhaps they can help

OP posts:
Parky04 · 24/04/2021 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:37

@TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN

What's your living dituation? (Rent/own? In whose name)

Do you claim any benefits?

Do you drive/have a car?

Own, mortgage in both names but he pays it

No I'm not entitled to any benefits,not even UC.

Yes and yes to drive/car

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 24/04/2021 10:37

Do you have any kids OP? They are not mentioned but I am wondering why you do not work? Are you allowed to work?

LittleOwl153 · 24/04/2021 10:38

Unless you have significant savings or interesting visa issues you would be entitled to UC if you left.

MumInBrussels · 24/04/2021 10:38

You need to leave him. How much money would someone have to pay you to choose to live like this? A divorce is bound to be cheaper than that.

But even if you don't divorce him yet, you don't have to live with him. Men's refuges may not be common, but since he's the abusive one, that's irrelevant. Women's refuges exist, and you can go to one - you don't have to stay with this man, feeling scared, just because he hasn't (yet) hit you. Call women's aid and ask their advice on your options. He is awful, he's lying to you to make you feel like it's all somehow your fault, and it's absolutely not. It is all him. And I think you're right when you say he doesn't love you, even if he says he does - this is not how you treat someone you love. You deserve better.

G3ntlemanJ · 24/04/2021 10:38

@21833efb

I think he really hates me even though he tells me he loves me

He often upsets me before family visit or vice versa

Because he's trying to control you. Best thing you can do is smile, ignore him and enjoy seeing your family.

CecilyP · 24/04/2021 10:38

I really did not mean to be selfish. I knew he had things to do today so thought he would want to be up early

You don’t need to convince us. We know you’re not selfish. So what if he woke up a little earlier than he wanted. He’s a grown man, he should be able to cope without blowing up.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:39

@Parky04

Whilst he sounds horrible, why aren't you looking for work? Is he paying for everything? To be honest, this would really piss me off, no excuse for his behaviour, but I have a feeling from reading your original post that you are not entirely innocent in all of this. Anyway, sounds as though you should split up as you obviously don't like each other!
I am looking hard for work- but have been turned down after interviews

I did have a seasonal job over Xmas but ended because of lockdown

I am not a complete a-hole :(

OP posts:
jessicarolfe · 24/04/2021 10:40

It sounds to me like he has a pattern going on here. You plan to get out of the house / see family, and he acts up?

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:41

@Isadora2007

Why won’t you go to see your family? In fact couldn’t you go today and speak to them about this? If you’ve no job where you are, could you look into jobs nearer your family? Look on entitled to website to see what benefits you’d get, and if you divorced you’d also get some kind of financial package.

It’s horrible to be shouted at and verbally abused- if you went down and didn’t “f off” would he escalate to violence? Has he ever hit or hurt you physically?

Bottom line you are worth a better life. Please make this the last day you feel like this.

Only physical once a few Christmases ago before his family visited

I never did tell anyone or report it

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 24/04/2021 10:43

I know the kneejerk “just leave” comment is insensitive at the moment given your situation.

But I’m afraid long term if you want any quality of life this has to be your objective.

Not sure why you feel family are unsupportive: have you actually told them directly what’s going on?

If that’s really not an option then it has to be a refuge. Your first step needs to be to speak to a DV advice or support group such as Women’s Aid.

You know you have to leave. You just need to take it one step at a time. Your financial situation is challenging but it’s not a dealbreaker.

Meadowlands1 · 24/04/2021 10:43

Stop apologising to him first of all. Call Women's Aid. Get Legal Aid. And get rid. Only physical once. That is once too many. Report it now.

Oh and do the Freedom Programme too.

Unsure33 · 24/04/2021 10:43

Why would you get no UC ?

You only have one life . Don’t live it like this . You will probably get some free advice from a solicitor and maybe entitled to money from the house . Don’t just assume things . Ask for help .

Orgasmagorical · 24/04/2021 10:43

He would have found any 'excuse' to have a go at you because he doesn't want you having a nice time with your family. None of this is your fault.

Please call Women's Aid, you are in a very volatile situation and there is help to get you out of it. If he beomes violent 999 immediately.

MumInBrussels · 24/04/2021 10:43

@Parky04

Whilst he sounds horrible, why aren't you looking for work? Is he paying for everything? To be honest, this would really piss me off, no excuse for his behaviour, but I have a feeling from reading your original post that you are not entirely innocent in all of this. Anyway, sounds as though you should split up as you obviously don't like each other!
Do you actually think there is something the OP might have left out that could justify the way her husband is behaving? What would make this kind of reaction by him ok, in your opinion?

I think you're blaming the victim of abuse for her abuser acting abusively and that's horrifying. The OP - regardless of what she has done or said - does not deserve to be treated like this and made to feel scared. Especially not in her home by someone who says he loves her. No one does.

Original poster
21833efb · 24/04/2021 10:43

I know it's no excuse but his DM was abusive to him. We are no longer in touch with her anyway

I have never spoken to anyone about him, my DB had an inkling a few years ago but he thinks we're OK now and I can't bring myself to tell him otherwise.

OP posts:
Soberfutures · 24/04/2021 10:45

You can claim UC even if living together if you can show you are separated. Ie do not cook or do his laundry etc. They may ask you to an interview to chat and sign a statement to show this and also the abuse. I had to do this so I know its possible. U can apply for an advance which you pay back slowly. They will support you and help if you phone and explain. Same for women aid. Also speak to your local council as they often have a department that may advise on housing. Some even help with deposit for private rent. You can do this and will feel stronger each day you make plans.

Neonprint · 24/04/2021 10:45

I know you think you can't leave op. Maybe you don't even leave this time. But there are loads of women who leave in yuur situation. No money or job or family to go to are really common. Refuges are for people like you.

The refuge will not just give you a place to live but work with you on recognising the abuse. Sending love x

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