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Original poster

We never married

214 replies

Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 08:59

DP and I have been together 10 years and have 2 DCs.
I became unexpectedly pregnant with DC1, just as we were discussing marriage, so we postponed our plans for when DC1 was a little older.
I then had PND, there was a huge family argument and we delayed getting married again.
Then we needed to spend a lot of money on construction work on the house and again, any wedding was delayed.
After this, I discovered I had endometriosis and told that it would be affecting my fertility; we both wanted another child and sibling for DC1 so decided to have another baby sooner rather than later.
As marriage has always been a plan, both DCs have DPs surname, as I was going to take it too, but obviously, it hasn't happened. I hate having a different name to my DCs, I get very upset about it.
DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.

I'm not IN love with him anymore and find myself wondering if I would really want to marry him anyway... but I know that marriage and the security of marriage is still important to me. I am also concerned that, as I've worked part-time whilst both DCs were very young, it has impacted my pension and I'll never have any rights to claim some of his due to lack of marriage. He is from an affluent family, I am from a poor family and I can see that, if we end up separating later on, I'll be quite poor when I retire whilst he will have a good pension and be in a good financial position from his inheritance etc. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses now?

What should I do?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/04/2021 09:03

If you don’t love him then you should leave him

It doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you anyway so that’s not an option

Inthesameboatatmo · 10/04/2021 09:03

Speak to lawyer
As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now
Good luck

VictoriaBun · 10/04/2021 09:03

Never stay with someone you no longer love because they will have a better pension than you. Thats a hell of a long time !

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 09:03

I'd cut your losses.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 10/04/2021 09:06

Go back to work full time and tell him marriage is a deal breaker. If you do split you’ll need to work full time to keep a roof over your head as he’ll be able to walk away and pay buttons.

Who owns your house?

Original poster
Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 09:06

Just to add that, I would not like to go into the ins and outs of why I decided to work part-time and why it has made me financially vulnerable etc. I knew the risks at the time and chose to take them anyway, I would still make those same choices now due to the demanding nature of my field of work and because of my values around Mothering and family life. I would appreciate it if posters could respect the choices I made within their responses.

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 10/04/2021 09:07

Do you both own the house?

EveWasReframed · 10/04/2021 09:07

You can call yourself any surname you want to, so you could have the same surname as your children if you like, irrespective of marriage.

(Are you in England?)

Lozzerbmc · 10/04/2021 09:08

Do you think you are not in love with him because you dont feel he loves you enough to marry you?

I understand how you feel- me and DP have lived together 9 years and have a DS. I wasnt too bothered about marriage initally (we’ve both been married before), but now I’d like to, but he doesnt want to. His reluctance to marry me makes me feel less positive and confident about him, our relationship and our future.

Original poster
Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 09:08

And to add further. I will be returning to work Full time next year.
House is jointly owned.
I have already seen a solicitor who has explained how I am more vulnerable financially being unmarried.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/04/2021 09:10

I would concentrate on building up your pension fund now. Do you have joint savings?

Start making your pension a priority for family money. Your DP can't really object can he as he doesn't want to marry therefore financially things need to be even.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 09:10

@Pearlsawinger

And to add further. I will be returning to work Full time next year. House is jointly owned. I have already seen a solicitor who has explained how I am more vulnerable financially being unmarried.
You are. But he won't marry you. I'd step up the 'returning to work next year' and do it now, then make plans to move on. It's all well and good with others respecting your choices but the real issue is that your decisions affect you adversely financially and he doesn't care. You can't force someone to marry you, he doesn't want to and it doesn't appear you love him.
category12 · 10/04/2021 09:10

Would he top up or start paying into a pension for you? If he thinks that marriage wouldn't make any difference and you're both covered financially whatever, why wouldn't you both have decent pension pots? It shouldn't be that you sacrifice future security for the mutual convenience in the present.

If you intend to stay, you need to go back to work fulltime really to ensure your own financial stability. You need split childcare and housework 50/50, and he needs to be prepared to do pick-ups and drop-offs and sick days and holiday.

Lozzerbmc · 10/04/2021 09:11

I think its perfectly understandable to work part-time you have 2 children... .

category12 · 10/04/2021 09:12

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
No. No such thing as common law marriage in the UK.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2021 09:16

"As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now"

That is incorrect. What rights too?. They have not seemingly entered into a civil partnership agreement either s the law would see these people as two separate individuals unrelated to each other. What is his is his and what is hers is hers.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want to teach them that a loveless relationship could be their norm too?. I would cut your losses now because if you are no longer in love with him there is no real reason for you two to remain together. You cannot stay with him just because of any perceived future financial wealth and I do not think that he ever wanted marriage or to the point marriage to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2021 09:22

"DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one".

If this man actually bothered to sit in front of a Solicitor, such a person would dispell him of such quaint notions rather quickly.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 10/04/2021 09:23

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
If you live in England & Wales this is incorrect. Link here as to what your rights are.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

If you live elsewhere check out the position where you live.

As an aside, even if you earn nothing you are entitled to set up a private pension scheme and contribute in the UK, and the government will top up your contributions. For every four pounds you contribute they will add another one/ ie they will add 25% to whatever you contribute, up to a maximum contribution from you of £2,880 per annum. This would give you an annual total contribution of £3,600, which would then have time to grow over the years. You can currently do this up to age 75.

You can also check if you are automatically getting your NI contributions credited for the purposes of the state pension. More information about that here.

www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits/eligibility

You can get a forecast of your state pension online, which will show any years you can still contribute for. If you are not getting credits then you can also pay voluntary Class 3 contributions going forward.

This doesn't address all your issues I know OP, but is at least a way to get a measure of financial security in old age for yourself. Well worth spending time reading up on.

Good luck.

idontlikealdi · 10/04/2021 09:27

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
This is incorrect.
Notoriouslynotnotious · 10/04/2021 09:29

The only answer you have to a reluctant fiancée is gain as much financial independence as you can. Without the financial security of marriage it really is the only option. Given things are relatively ok between you at the moment I would retrain into a well paying job and take it from there.

Original poster
Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 09:33

Ummm... full time work just isn't possible until next year.
I am also concerned about the tension that both of us working FT will create for family life going forward. Another reason I'm wondering whether to cut my losses. DP is already like a bear with a sore head due to the weight of his own work. I'm not sure how HE will cope with us both working FT, nevermind the DCs.

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 10/04/2021 09:35

Fast moving thread! I see you are working part time and intend to up your hours so hopefully you're earning enough to pay NI contributions going forward at least. You can still make up any missed years. As you are earning you can contribute up to the limit of what you earn/ £40,000 pa (whichever is the lower figure).

I would make it a goal to build up my pension savings in the future to a level where they have as much parity as possible with his. If he doesn't want to get married he has no reason to object.

Bells3032 · 10/04/2021 09:36

I think the first thing you need to do is figure out if you still love him or not. If not then walk away and start working full time.. A pension is not a reason to stay with someone.

If you do love him and want to make things work then you need to explain to him the position he has left you in. You have been left financially vulnerable and even if he never had any intention of leaving there are a tonne of ramifications if heaven forbid he were to die Inc increased ihr, no automatic power of medical decisions or power of attony if something were to happen to him.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper it is a legally binding contract. Currently he can walk out and you are not entitled to a penny of his money beyond basic child manaintance (and we all know how useless they are at even enforcing that).

I honestly don't know why women leave themselves in such positions. You don't neccassily need a massive wedding, a simple £100 affair at the Town Hall works just as well. Putting it off cos you can't have a massive party is just redicilous

GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/04/2021 09:38

Does he have life insurance naming you and your children as beneficiaries?
Is property jointly in both your names with right of survivorship?
Is his pension left to you or to your children?
Does he have a will naming you as guardian of the children?
Does he have a living will naming you as executor of his financial affairs and medical decision maker if he is incapacitated?
If he has done all that, I guess you don't need to get married.

category12 · 10/04/2021 09:38

They haven't put off marriage because of wanting a party, at least read the original post properly, christ. Hmm