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Original poster

We never married

214 replies

Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 08:59

DP and I have been together 10 years and have 2 DCs.
I became unexpectedly pregnant with DC1, just as we were discussing marriage, so we postponed our plans for when DC1 was a little older.
I then had PND, there was a huge family argument and we delayed getting married again.
Then we needed to spend a lot of money on construction work on the house and again, any wedding was delayed.
After this, I discovered I had endometriosis and told that it would be affecting my fertility; we both wanted another child and sibling for DC1 so decided to have another baby sooner rather than later.
As marriage has always been a plan, both DCs have DPs surname, as I was going to take it too, but obviously, it hasn't happened. I hate having a different name to my DCs, I get very upset about it.
DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.

I'm not IN love with him anymore and find myself wondering if I would really want to marry him anyway... but I know that marriage and the security of marriage is still important to me. I am also concerned that, as I've worked part-time whilst both DCs were very young, it has impacted my pension and I'll never have any rights to claim some of his due to lack of marriage. He is from an affluent family, I am from a poor family and I can see that, if we end up separating later on, I'll be quite poor when I retire whilst he will have a good pension and be in a good financial position from his inheritance etc. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses now?

What should I do?

OP posts:
Bells3032 · 10/04/2021 09:40

@category12 she said cos needing some work done to the house. Assuming that stopped them as they felt they didn't have the money to throw a wedding

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2021 09:43

OP herself is not in love with him anymore. That comment is in her initial post.

murbblurb · 10/04/2021 09:44

Getting married costs around £200 for the legals in England. Any other costs are frilly frock extras. People who are having work done to the house can afford £200.

Legally they are just house mates, despite time together - it is incredible that there is still a belief that there are common law rights in England.

Normally I would suggest booking a registry office asap - but it sounds like this relationship may be over. Sadly.

Good luck,op.

averythinline · 10/04/2021 09:52

It doesn't matter that he won't like you working full-time...
Without being married you are vulnerable and need to increase your income/pension etc.
Millions of families have 2 full-time workers and bear the cost of childcare because of it.

You need to think with your head rather than heart..
If you split up you will probably need to work full-time as he won't have to pay anymore than CMS ..he may or may not depending on what sort of person he is....
Or stay on low wage and maybe claim UC but that can be quite limiting...
Child residency starts at 50/50 usually so you may not get any maintenance at all..

He is maybe very aware of this and is why he doesn't want to marry....
Your decision to go part time may have been right for you at the time...but things change

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 09:54

@Pearlsawinger

Ummm... full time work just isn't possible until next year. I am also concerned about the tension that both of us working FT will create for family life going forward. Another reason I'm wondering whether to cut my losses. DP is already like a bear with a sore head due to the weight of his own work. I'm not sure how HE will cope with us both working FT, nevermind the DCs.
Ummm . . . you are the one living with a person who has no legal obligation to support your lifestyle of working PT at present. You have already a quite clinical and detached view of your relationship, has it not crossed your mind that he might be thinking the same thing and evaluating his options same as you are? Because the reality is that he's in the driving seat here financially and you are not. And do not fool yourself into thinking he doesn't know this, isn't as clever. He knows. There's a reason why he hasn't married you.

You're approaching this all from a very adversarial and defensive point of view - 'I'm asking in here but don't disrespect my choices (the real issue is that he does and he's the one you're with); 'It's impossible to work FT until next year (what if he decides to split before that?); 'I'm not sure he will or the DC (who are very young, they'll cope just fine) will cope with my working FT (again, not your problem, your problem is that you are incredibly vulnerable financially). You've also got a point of view that you control how this relationship goes, but the reality is that he does, too, and he may already be on the same page as you or even a step farther than you think or give him credit for.

He will not marry you. That's the bottom line. You may have underestimated him and it would be an even further mistake to start making plans or hypothetical scenarios about a future (next year, etc) that might not be happening.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 09:57

If he left you now you'd be in a difficult position. I'd make adjustments now and then leave. Why stay if the live has gone.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 09:58

This whole 'book a registry office asap' advice is as pointless as 'get him to the GP'. You can't 'book' anything without his consent and even proof that he's legally able to marry, anymore than you can 'march' an adult of sound mind to a GP.

And yy, all he's due is child maintenance, maybe not even that if he goes for and gets 50/50 and plenty of men find clever ways to get out of even basic maintenance - the threads on here about it are legion.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 10:02

If you do stay remember he could leave you at any point and you won't see his inheritance or his pension. So you should go back to work Full Time ASAP and forget what impact it will have on him. If you don't love him and he won't marry you then you need to look out for yourself. No one else will.

category12 · 10/04/2021 10:07

Ummm... full time work just isn't possible until next year.
I am also concerned about the tension that both of us working FT will create for family life going forward. Another reason I'm wondering whether to cut my losses. DP is already like a bear with a sore head due to the weight of his own work. I'm not sure how HE will cope with us both working FT, nevermind the DCs.

You're in major trouble here because you're already aware you're going to sacrifice more of your longterm earning power in order to keep him sweet if you stay. He won't "cope" with you working fulltime because he'd have to muck in at home so you'll make the "choice" to continue working part-time and cover sickness etc, and so he gets all the benefits of that while the hole in your pension fund grows and your potential earning power drains away. The short-term drama of it all will set you up for a skint old age.

Cut your losses, I reckon.

PegasusReturns · 10/04/2021 10:16

@GeorgiaGirl52 all that only protects the OP if her DP dies.

If he ups and leaves then wills, pensions and life insurance beneficiaries can all be changed.

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2021 10:19

Under the current legislation you are financially worse off if you are not married. If you are in a situation where you cannot or do not wish to marry, your only option is to get legal advice and at least get property advice, life insurance and wills in place. You will still lose out financially because you will not have any IHT allowance.

Any marriage invalidates a will, so your DC could still be extremely disadvantaged if their father marries. It is advisable to put property/pensions etc into trust for children, but a solicitor would be able to guide you.

BluebellsGreenbells · 10/04/2021 10:20

Of he can’t cope with you working full time how will he cope with 50/50 childcare?

That’s not your problem is it?

You need to look after yourself because he isn’t going to.

CeibaTree · 10/04/2021 10:23

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
This is not true - there are no rights you get by living together but not married.

OP sounds you left it too long to get married while you were no longer in the 'in love' stage so there is no driving factor of desperately wanting to be husband and wife. Not sure how you can fix that if your partner no longer wants marriage. I think the advice you are getting of getting in good financial shape is good. If marriage is important to you though, and he is not willing to give you that, you need to work out whether this is a 'deal-breaker' or if you can live with it without resentment!

ChiefBabySniffer · 10/04/2021 10:25

In your situation I would tell him that you will forgo marriage in the short term on the proviso that he increases his contribution to the family pot so that you can increase your pension contributions. So if he earns 2k a month and you earn 1k I would hope that you would either throw it all in the pot and divide what is left for spend out each pay an equal contribution like 50% of your earnings.

I would be looking at increasing my pension contributions to a third of my salary for the same amount of time that you have been on maternity/reduced hours. If that means he has to reduce his pension to make allowances then so be it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:25

@BluebellsGreenbells

Of he can’t cope with you working full time how will he cope with 50/50 childcare?

That’s not your problem is it?

You need to look after yourself because he isn’t going to.

She says he's affluent. He'll outsource it. But again, not her problem. Her problem is serious financial vulnerability due to the choices made in the past and present. Sad
KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 10:27

Roughly how many years until you would like to retire have you got left? If it's like 5 years then you are very vulnerable as I'm not sure you will be able to build up much in time. If he has a very high pension pot already could you suggest he pays into one in your name?

Dozer · 10/04/2021 10:28

It’s probable he knows full well that marriage would benefit you financially and not him, and is content with the status quo of you taking all the risks and him keeping ‘his’ cash.

Wouldn’t prioritise the relationship over your personal earning ability, pay, pension etc: would seek good childcare, cleaner etc and go FT much sooner than you plan. The DC will be fine: I found the move to FT much less stressful than had feared.

Sounds like the relationship won’t work out anyway, so your top priority should be yourself and DCs’ financial security. Your DP has shown that you / they can’t rely on him for that.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 10:28

ChiefBabySniffer I like this advice. OP put as much of your pay into your pension as you can and your boyfriend can cover all the living costs etc and cut his while things even up.

doublehalo · 10/04/2021 10:28

Yes, get married. It was always your intention anyway.

Marriage isn't just about romantic love and now you need the legal protection.

Dozer · 10/04/2021 10:28

Also, you could change DCs’ surname to your own.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 10:29

doublehalo her boyfriend doesn't want to get married

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:29

@doublehalo

Yes, get married. It was always your intention anyway.

Marriage isn't just about romantic love and now you need the legal protection.

He said no. He said he doesn't see the point. How do you marry someone who doesn't consent to it?
osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:30

@Dozer

Also, you could change DCs’ surname to your own.
She'd need his permission. I don't think that would be forthcoming.
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/04/2021 10:32

Are you not in love or worn down by family life in a pandemic?
Honestly I’d get married!

FifteenToes · 10/04/2021 10:32

As you don't love him any more, it would seem he's most likely aware of that fact.

Why would anyone want to marry someone who doesn't love them?