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Original poster

We never married

214 replies

Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 08:59

DP and I have been together 10 years and have 2 DCs.
I became unexpectedly pregnant with DC1, just as we were discussing marriage, so we postponed our plans for when DC1 was a little older.
I then had PND, there was a huge family argument and we delayed getting married again.
Then we needed to spend a lot of money on construction work on the house and again, any wedding was delayed.
After this, I discovered I had endometriosis and told that it would be affecting my fertility; we both wanted another child and sibling for DC1 so decided to have another baby sooner rather than later.
As marriage has always been a plan, both DCs have DPs surname, as I was going to take it too, but obviously, it hasn't happened. I hate having a different name to my DCs, I get very upset about it.
DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.

I'm not IN love with him anymore and find myself wondering if I would really want to marry him anyway... but I know that marriage and the security of marriage is still important to me. I am also concerned that, as I've worked part-time whilst both DCs were very young, it has impacted my pension and I'll never have any rights to claim some of his due to lack of marriage. He is from an affluent family, I am from a poor family and I can see that, if we end up separating later on, I'll be quite poor when I retire whilst he will have a good pension and be in a good financial position from his inheritance etc. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses now?

What should I do?

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:34

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Are you not in love or worn down by family life in a pandemic? Honestly I’d get married!
Read the thread! He doesn't want to get married. He knows why, too.
MargosKaftan · 10/04/2021 10:34

If you are planning on living together long term (as in, until the dcs are older), then perhaps its time for a sensible conversation. He might not see the point of marriage, but you have damaged your earning potential and pension by going part time and point out you'll have no claim on his.

So if he wants to continue to live together unmarried, you need to plan so you aren't shafted in old age.

The options are - you go back to work full time to start rebuilding the gap in your pension - which involves him taking on some of the childcare and household responsibilities - could he go part time for 2-3 years to balance this out?

Or you do a low key legal wedding.

Or can he think of other options he'd like that don't involve you putting yourself in a bad position financially in order to support him like you are married, without him having any responsibility towards you like you are married?

(Other options include things like putting savings in your name only, seeing if its possible to change it that you own 60% to his 40% of the house, him paying into your private pension pot etc.)

But if you have one eye on the door, go full time now, even if he hates it and all your wage goes on childcare.

Dozer · 10/04/2021 10:34

Really? Didn’t know that about name changing!

FT work WOULD be possible before next year: it’s a choice you’re making. Your reasons to delay returning to work seem to be your personal (and presumably DP’s) ‘values’ about motherhood and paid work, and concern about DP’s behaviour / reaction and potentially rocking the - already dodgy - relationship boat.

Those reasons don’t compare with the hard financial and other benefits to you and your DC of returning much sooner.

HaveringWavering · 10/04/2021 10:35

I have already seen a solicitor who has explained how I am more vulnerable financially being unmarried.

So what are you expecting from Mumsnet if you have already had this advice?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/04/2021 10:36

@doublehalo

Yes, get married. It was always your intention anyway.

Marriage isn't just about romantic love and now you need the legal protection.

You can't force someone to marry you.

Her DP doesn't want to get married.

Cattitudes · 10/04/2021 10:37

Maybe suggest that he goes part time for a short while and looks after the dc so he is less stressed and you work more. It might be beneficial for everyone. Plus see if you can contribute more to a pension. Maybe see a financial planner together to ensure a more equitable future. That will benefit you whether you stay together or not.

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2021 10:37

It appears that he is already looking to keep all his money and assets to himself, so you need to get good legal advice, move to full time working, pay as much into a pension as you can afford and consider dividing your joint assets fairly now, so you can start again. just make sure you get maintenance for the children.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:38

Really? Didn’t know that about name changing!

Yes, really, if you're both on the birth certificate. Of course! I mean, would you be okay with the father of your children deciding he was going to change your DS's name to Rose West or Moon Unit and you have no say?

NRCS · 10/04/2021 10:39

Do a civil partnership

HaveringWavering · 10/04/2021 10:39

@HaveringWavering

I have already seen a solicitor who has explained how I am more vulnerable financially being unmarried.

So what are you expecting from Mumsnet if you have already had this advice?

And why have you not told your partner that a solicitor says he is wrong when he says:

“it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.”

If he STILL refuses to marry you knowing full well that you will be at a financial disadvantage then so be it, but at least have this conversation in the context of you both being clear about the legal and financial consequences.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/04/2021 10:40

@NRCS

Do a civil partnership
If he doesn't want to marry, why would he agree to that?
hartwood · 10/04/2021 10:44

Tell him it's a deal breaker, if he still doesn't want to get married then you know where his intentions lie.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 10/04/2021 10:45

You have spoken to a solicitor. You know how vulnerable you are financially. There is no magic wand that secures your future financially in a relationship in decline while you work part time. You have all the facts you need at this stage, you can clearly see you do not have very many ideal options so it is down to what you consider the least worst option.

I don’t think you are going to like what people suggest because they will all push you well outside of your comfort zone so that is understandable.

Pyewackect · 10/04/2021 10:46

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
Like what ?.
MargosKaftan · 10/04/2021 10:46

You really need to force him to see it from your point of view - if he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't get the benefits of being married, in a partner who supports his career and enables him to get away with doing less than 50% of childcare and housework because he's the main earner.

You need to be clear that because you aren't married, you need to plan as if he could decide to break up at any point, both while the dcs are young, and then when you are older and have no time to at that point build your own pension and career to support yourself. You need to act like you are a single person financially because you are.

He can then think about what would suit him best. Marriage, civil partnership (be clear you dont need the big party), going part time himself, you working full time and him doing half of everything, you working full time and him paying out for domestic help to avoid him having to do half of everything.

There are options, but "just carrying on as if you are married" shouldn't be one of them.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:46

@hartwood

Tell him it's a deal breaker, if he still doesn't want to get married then you know where his intentions lie.
An unwise move. If he had wanted to marry her he already would have. He's made his intentions very clear for years.
ivfbeenbusy · 10/04/2021 10:47

I'll be quite poor when I retire whilst he will have a good pension and be in a good financial position from his inheritance etc.

Well that's life though isn't it? Not everyone has the same job/earnings potential. You've not been out of the workplace that long and you were part time anyway - if dc3 is 3 then Im guessing around 6 years - less than 10 anyway and are going back full time next year anyway so if you don't retire on as big a pension than him that's nothing to do with him and everything to do with what job you had/were capable of doing and as you say it was your decision to step back because you have certain "values" when it comes to having a family. So I don't see why you'd feel entitled to his pension anyway? The house is already half yours so financially how are you vulnerable? If you want the same name have a quicky register office wedding or change your name by deed poll?

You say you don't love Him so Sounds like you only really want to be married to him so you can get your hands on half his pension.....which is grabby to say the least......

Artus · 10/04/2021 10:50

I was going to make the point already mentioned above, that wills, pensions life insurance etc only provide protection whilst people are on good terms as they can all be changed by the OPS partner at any time. Marriage gives rights that one party cannot remove.

Confusedandshaken · 10/04/2021 10:52

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
This isn't true in England.
MargosKaftan · 10/04/2021 10:53

Well he's made his intentions clear that he didn't want to get married when her working part time and taking on the bulk of the household and childcare labour was an option.

If the only way to keep that arrangement that suits his career and social life plans is to give her the security of marriage, he might prefer that option to suddenly having to juggle working full time and half of childcare /housework.

It might seem much better than the idea that she would leave him.

At the moment, he's picking their current set up from the range of options available to him (on fairness, some of which he might not he aware of, if the idea of him going part time and the OP full time, or them both doing 4 days a week etc have never been discussed), if the current arrangement is clearly not going to be an option any longer, its not a given he'll pick "split up" or "both work fulltime unmarried" as the best option for him / the family.

user1486915549 · 10/04/2021 10:54

I am horrified that you would be prepared to marry someone you don’t love so you can get half his pension many years down the line.
Would you be happy living your whole life with someone you don’t love ?
Does he know you don’t love him ?
Poor man .

Celeste2940 · 10/04/2021 10:58

Forget your worries about how your future FT work will impact him. You have been selfless in bringing up your children and running the home. It's now your time to consider you and your future. You can do this. I know as I left my partner and had 3 under 4's working full time. It was hard in some ways but I adapted and had total peace as there was no emotion and I did things my way.
I would sit him down and asks what he wants for you both long term and see if it fits with your ideals?
I can't imagine he would consider part time so you could now have opportunities.

VanGoghsDog · 10/04/2021 10:59

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
No there aren't.
BigFatLiar · 10/04/2021 10:59

This sort of thread comes up so often.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. So often people come along and say they're happy not married and raising children is enough commitment in itself. OP's partner may well be in this boat as she doesn't say he's looking to leave her, just content as they are. It's her that's looking to leave. She want to marry to secure a better deal when she leaves which (you can all flame me for saying it) is a pretty awful thing to do.

If she doesn't love him the she may as well leave. If its just a bit of a rough patch that she thinks they can get over (most have these) then she needs to talk to her partner and agree a way ahead.

ivfbeenbusy · 10/04/2021 11:04

@Celeste2940

How exactly has OP been selfless this is what she wrote...:..

I decided to work part-time....I knew the risks at the time and chose to take them anyway, I would still make those same choices now due to the demanding nature of my field of work and because of my values around Mothering and family life.

How are we to know if her partner would have happily paid childcare costs so that they could Both work and pay into their respective pensions because to me it sounds like OP made the decision on her own to give up work?

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