Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We never married

214 replies

Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 08:59

DP and I have been together 10 years and have 2 DCs.
I became unexpectedly pregnant with DC1, just as we were discussing marriage, so we postponed our plans for when DC1 was a little older.
I then had PND, there was a huge family argument and we delayed getting married again.
Then we needed to spend a lot of money on construction work on the house and again, any wedding was delayed.
After this, I discovered I had endometriosis and told that it would be affecting my fertility; we both wanted another child and sibling for DC1 so decided to have another baby sooner rather than later.
As marriage has always been a plan, both DCs have DPs surname, as I was going to take it too, but obviously, it hasn't happened. I hate having a different name to my DCs, I get very upset about it.
DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.

I'm not IN love with him anymore and find myself wondering if I would really want to marry him anyway... but I know that marriage and the security of marriage is still important to me. I am also concerned that, as I've worked part-time whilst both DCs were very young, it has impacted my pension and I'll never have any rights to claim some of his due to lack of marriage. He is from an affluent family, I am from a poor family and I can see that, if we end up separating later on, I'll be quite poor when I retire whilst he will have a good pension and be in a good financial position from his inheritance etc. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses now?

What should I do?

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 10/04/2021 11:05

All else aside, @Pearlsawinger, you can change your name by deed-poll to have the same name as your children, if it bothers you so much. But I think that may be the least of your problems, from everything else you've said, sadly.

Avidreader12 · 10/04/2021 11:05

If you have been claiming child benefit then your NI is automatically topped up so you have full years (even if working part time) you can check your record online. In some ways agree with your partner people are living now unmarried and it leads people to thinking they are no difference to marriage but if it is important to you then he should be listening to your view too. Comments like I don’t know how women leave themselves in such a position is nothing helpful. Circumstances change over time.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/04/2021 11:06

@user1486915549

I am horrified that you would be prepared to marry someone you don’t love so you can get half his pension many years down the line. Would you be happy living your whole life with someone you don’t love ? Does he know you don’t love him ? Poor man .
Kind of the point, she wouldn’t be living her whole life with him. They are bound for life by children anyway, however that doesn’t financially reward women- also he said he doesn’t see the point in getting married (doesn’t mean he won’t). I’d argue it from a surname perspective too.
MeltsAway · 10/04/2021 11:07

As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now

In England there really aren't.

HollowTalk · 10/04/2021 11:11

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
What rights exactly?
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2021 11:12

You have said you don’t love him so taking your vows just to gain financially is very wrong imo. Would you want someone to do that to you if circumstances were reversed or to one of your children when they are adults? Let him go so he can find someone who does love him.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 11:13

Celeste2940 OP hasn't been selfless though she's said she wanted to work part time and doesn't want us to judge her on that. It's what she wanted but now she's worried about financial security and wants all of her boyfriends money even though she chose to work part time and wanted to work part time.

AgathaAllAlong · 10/04/2021 11:16

If you want to marry him tell him it's non negotiable, and you're happy to use Covid as an excuse to do it with few people in a registry office

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 11:16

Ah ivfbeenbusy wrote it better!

mrsrat · 10/04/2021 11:19

I can't hard if when people say common law wife it you've been living together for a long time so they are entitled ! No they aren't. I am 21 years down the line and have nothing because we are aren't married

MiddayMadDog · 10/04/2021 11:20

Personally I would be suspicious that he does not want to marry you precisely because he wants to protect what he sees as 'his' financial benefits (whereas he should be regarding them as family money/ benefits).
Find out what protections you would have if married and ask him to ensure you have these now, such as him contributing to your pension to make up for your lost payments when you went part-time.
Make sure all income is pooled so that you get equal shares (not him keeping most of his earnings to himself).
Any investments etc in both your names, or equally divided between the two of you.
Obviously the house in both your names.
If he resists any of these, you have your answer as to whether you need to go back to work full time. You do, as he is already planning to shaft you at the end of the relationship.

RowanAlong · 10/04/2021 11:22

I think cut your losses. If you don’t love him and the children are young, it’d be easiest to make a new start right now.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/04/2021 11:24

Speak to lawyer
As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now
Good luck

Honestly when will people LEARN that you have no rights whatsoever if you are not married and there is no such thing as a common law wife!!!! If its not in your name you won't get to share any of it other than CMA if you are lucky.
A friend of mine had a long term partner who died and they got nothing. The homes were in the partners name and the family swooped in and chucked them out. All of our mutual friends have been getting married so it doesn't happen to them too.
People really need to wise up about this. Sod the big expensive wedding you should have done a cheap two witnesses wedding in a registry office right at the beginning. You have No rights at all.

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2021 11:27

IMO the financial security for the children is the most important thing here. the financial disadvantage always falls on the parent who takes on the bulk of child care and responsibility. Marriage provides stability and security for the children.

If the children's father does not want to commit legally and financially to his children and their mother it is only right that he takes on 50% of all parenting responsibilities, including child care costs, in order that their mother can work full time and build up her own pension/pay for her own property. He may well decide he doesn't fancy making those kind of sacrifices, so legal advice is the way to go.

Embracelife · 10/04/2021 11:28

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
Which rights are those? V unlikely
Outbutnotoutout · 10/04/2021 11:29

If you just said to him, let's get married cheap in a Registry office, what would/could he say?

That he doesn't want to protect his children or you?

I think this is your best bet, till you work out your next move.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2021 11:35

Personally I would be suspicious that he does not want to marry you precisely because he wants to protect what he sees as 'his' financial benefits

Maybe he knows how the OP feels? I certainly wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t love me regardless of assets.

Ticklemycarpets · 10/04/2021 11:35

I am in a similar position, we've been together 15 years and have two kids. A solicitor also highlighted my vulnerability, but I felt it was disingenuous to have a 'wedding' as it feels like a big show of your love for one another which isn't really the stage we are at. It is the marriage rather than the wedding that I wanted which sounds the same for you too.
We are getting the legal stuff done in a registry office -just the two of us and two witnesses, no celebration. For us it is like going to a solicitor appointment really.
Our relationship isn't perfect, who knows whether it will be for life, we are continually working on it.
My partner recognises that the sacrifices I have made for the family (all be it very willingly) have put him in a better position financially and that no matter what happens, that should be recognised should we split and so he is happy to give me the security of marriage.

RoSEbuds6 · 10/04/2021 11:37

Are you able to speak to him about this again? I always find it's easier to broach tricky conversations during a walk or drive, rather than when other things are going on in the background.
You should put it to him in non-emotional terms, you are financially vulnerable as you don't have the legal protections of marriage. In order to put yourself into a better financial position you will have increase your hours and the children will have to go into full-time childcare.
Try to stop seeing being married in a romantic light, and something that your DH has to generously invite you to, and just see it as an arrangement that benefits both of you. It can be done quickly at a registery office, and doesn't need to be a huge affair at all.
I think he would much rather marry you than lose the convenience of having you work part-time and look after the children.

grapewine · 10/04/2021 11:41

Why would the boyfriend consent to get married now when he hasn't wanted to for the last several years? It isn't in his interest. OP should have had this discussion a long time ago. As she doesn't love him and would marry to keep up her lifestyle and access to money in the future, she isn't exactly in it for selfless reasons. That's fine. But from the boyfriend's point of view, why would he change things now?

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 11:45

I think it's pretty nasty to marry him just to secure your financial future. It isn't a business transaction.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2021 11:47

I don’t think you should marry someone for money no. If you were in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him because of that, it would be very different. But this is you want to get married for money and I think this is wrong.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 10/04/2021 11:56

I think it's pretty nasty to marry him just to secure your financial future. It isn't a business transaction.

Don't you think her partner has been nasty to promise marriage while she sacrificed her career, had his children and went to part time and then droppped her in it and refused to marry her.
Isn't that cynical of him.
The basis of marrige has always been legal and transactional, it's not all romance and honeymoons.

MiddayMadDog · 10/04/2021 11:58

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Personally I would be suspicious that he does not want to marry you precisely because he wants to protect what he sees as 'his' financial benefits

Maybe he knows how the OP feels? I certainly wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t love me regardless of assets.

Well then he should leave. Rather than keeping her on as free childcare and domestic labour.
If you are living as a family unit that means sharing the assets. Not the bloke getting free labour without the woman getting equal share of the financial assets that are building up because he has a live-in partner.

I do think there is some unconscious sexism going on with OP being called 'grabby' for wanting to secure a share of the household financial assets, which her existence in the household is helping him to accrue, but he is not being accused of being grabby for wanting to benefit from her domestic and childcare labour.

EnoughnowIthink · 10/04/2021 12:01

Leave sooner rather than later. You have very few rights without a marriage certificate. The earlier you move on with life, the longer you have to make work work for you.