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Original poster

We never married

214 replies

Pearlsawinger · 10/04/2021 08:59

DP and I have been together 10 years and have 2 DCs.
I became unexpectedly pregnant with DC1, just as we were discussing marriage, so we postponed our plans for when DC1 was a little older.
I then had PND, there was a huge family argument and we delayed getting married again.
Then we needed to spend a lot of money on construction work on the house and again, any wedding was delayed.
After this, I discovered I had endometriosis and told that it would be affecting my fertility; we both wanted another child and sibling for DC1 so decided to have another baby sooner rather than later.
As marriage has always been a plan, both DCs have DPs surname, as I was going to take it too, but obviously, it hasn't happened. I hate having a different name to my DCs, I get very upset about it.
DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.

I'm not IN love with him anymore and find myself wondering if I would really want to marry him anyway... but I know that marriage and the security of marriage is still important to me. I am also concerned that, as I've worked part-time whilst both DCs were very young, it has impacted my pension and I'll never have any rights to claim some of his due to lack of marriage. He is from an affluent family, I am from a poor family and I can see that, if we end up separating later on, I'll be quite poor when I retire whilst he will have a good pension and be in a good financial position from his inheritance etc. I'm wondering whether to cut my losses now?

What should I do?

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 10/04/2021 12:03

I completely agree with the most recent posts from @Xoxoxoxoxoxox and @MiddayMadDog.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 10/04/2021 12:04

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to want to marry for your future financial security. You made decisions (presumably as a couple) about how your family will function based as the idea that marriage was just around the corner. Now he’s trying to take that off the table. If he’s not open to the idea of a registry office wedding for the legal protections it will afford you, then you should absolutely insist on putting family money towards your own pension, getting back to work full time asap and paying childcare costs jointly in proportion to your incomes or out of the family pot. Would a nanny work well if you are well off as a family, perhaps in conjunction with nursery for the youngest. For example the nanny could do all the picks ups in the afternoons so that would leave only drop offs in the mornings. You could employ a cleaner once or twice a week. I think Nannies can be asked to do some general household chores directly relating to the children -so making them dinner and maybe cleaning it up afterwards, tidying the children’s toys. If your family can afford it it might be much less stressful than trying to juggle picks and wrap round care.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 12:06

Married women have rights to inheritance and the husbands property, and pensions which are not covered by a life insurance policy. IN any case, a life insurance policy only comes into effect if he dies. It offers no financial protection to you or the children if you split up ; or sustain a non-fatal but lifechanging illness.

Sounds like your husband is well aware of the difference :-(

sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/04/2021 12:06

Don't you think her partner has been nasty to promise marriage while she sacrificed her career, had his children and went to part time and then droppped her in it and refused to marry her.

No, because OP didn't have to do any of those things.

Eddielzzard · 10/04/2021 12:08

I agree with Xoxoxoxoxoxox. He's getting a very good deal here, she's doing all the sacrificing of career, childcare, grunt work and getting none of the benefits.

bluebluezoo · 10/04/2021 12:11

I think its perfectly understandable to work part-time you have 2 children

Yes, but those who do should make sure they have a private pension in place to compensate for the loss of workplace pension.

It surprises me how many people don’t even think about pensions when they choose to give up or go pt.

I went pt for a while, but opened a private pension and contributed the pension payments I lost.

So many women reduce work because “their salary doesn’t cover childcare”, without including the loss of pension. You probably lose far more in pension than you pay in childcare.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 12:14

@Xoxoxoxoxoxox

I think it's pretty nasty to marry him just to secure your financial future. It isn't a business transaction.

Don't you think her partner has been nasty to promise marriage while she sacrificed her career, had his children and went to part time and then droppped her in it and refused to marry her.
Isn't that cynical of him.
The basis of marrige has always been legal and transactional, it's not all romance and honeymoons.

Yes I do but two wrongs don't make a right. OP didn't want us to criticise her choice to go part time so sorry OP, but she chose to go part time knowing she was unmarried. That is the risk she took.
duvetdreaming · 10/04/2021 12:15

Change your name by deed poll so it's the same as your DCs? Or ask him fo agreement to give them both surnames/your name?

Then leave him. You don't love him, he doesn't want to get married so if that's a deal breaker for you then you can leave.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 10/04/2021 12:17

He's getting a very good deal here, she's doing all the sacrificing of career, childcare, grunt work and getting none of the benefits

^This is very true.

As for being able to work part time, OP probably won’t have that luxury if the relationship ends which is not beyond the realms of possibility at present.

I personally couldn’t marry someone I didn’t love romantically but I can see if I were in the OP’s position how a more traditional marriage arrangement, ie one that was for ensuring future stability for a family rather than love might be an appropriate option.

PinotPony · 10/04/2021 12:18

Your options are going to be fairly limited if he won't agree to marry you now.

Is the property in joint names? Make sure that you are named on the Land Reg title as tenants in common so that it is clear that you own your share of the property.

You may also want to seek legal advice about a cohabitation agreement which would set out your intentions in the event of a split.

Although he could change his Will so that you are not a named beneficiary, you would be able to make a claim against his estate if he died under the Inheritance Act. I seem to recall that you can claim if you can show a financial dependency regardless of whether you are married or not.

user1487194234 · 10/04/2021 12:19

Unfortunately because so many people are living together ,and having children,without getting married ,it becomes the norm,and people seem to forget it does not have the same responsibilities and benefits of marriage

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 12:21

MiddayMadDog I do judge him but OP now knows he doesn't want to get married. OP needs to look out for herself and not trust him to do the "right" thing. She has got what she wanted and worked part time.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/04/2021 12:22

@Eddielzzard

I agree with Xoxoxoxoxoxox. He's getting a very good deal here, she's doing all the sacrificing of career, childcare, grunt work and getting none of the benefits.
But presumably she wasn't forced to do any of that?
SunshineCake · 10/04/2021 12:22

@Inthesameboatatmo

Speak to lawyer As you have been living as husband and wife for that amount of time there are certain rights in place now Good luck
Not common law crap thoughts again, surely ? No rights are in place unless you've seen a priest, a registrar or a solicitor.
Viviennemary · 10/04/2021 12:27

You simply cannot take the chance of a poverty stricken old age. So either wait for a year and get back to work or call it a day now. If you're not married he can change the beneficiary of his pension any time he likes AFAIK.

Candyfloss99 · 10/04/2021 12:29

You would seriously marry him just for his pension? You aren't in love with him, you need to leave him not marry him. There's a lot more important things than a bit of money when you retire!!!!!!

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 12:30

@Eddielzzard

I agree with Xoxoxoxoxoxox. He's getting a very good deal here, she's doing all the sacrificing of career, childcare, grunt work and getting none of the benefits.
He is but she chose to sacrifice her career and do the childcare knowing she wasn't married.
SunshineCake · 10/04/2021 12:30

DP is now saying that there is "no point" in marriage. DC2 is now 3 years old and h3 says that it wouldn't make any difference now and that provided we have joint life insurance, joint finances etc, we're covered if something happens to the other one.

Maybe in death but not if he fucks off with another woman.

SarahBellam · 10/04/2021 12:32

You don’t love him. Why on earth would you marry him?

KERALA1 · 10/04/2021 12:33

So what - he is still getting a massive benefit from OP being the default parent with zero downside for him. The advantage of being able to focus on your career and not having to think about what's for tea and what time do I need to pick up DC from childcare etc is a huge underestimated one.

MiddayMadDog · 10/04/2021 12:33

But presumably she wasn't forced to do any of that?

This is an absolutely ridiculous argument. You are talking like they are two separate autonomous people making decisions about their separate autonomous lives. They are in a partnership, choosing to have children together and raise a family, with an agreed verbal understanding that they would get married. OP has been clear that the decisions she made were in that context, and were to benefit the family, and clearly have benefited her partner. These were decisions made as a family unit. And most people trust their partners when they make agreements. We all trust out partners everytime they say they are going out that they are not out having unprotected sex with other people. Relationships work on trust. OP trusted him. She made decisions believing they were getting married and she would have protection. Blaming her because he has turned out to be untrustworthy is utterly unjust.

The argument, well she didn't have to, if applied widely means absolutely no-one has any obligation to keep any promises or agreements they made and more fool anyone who trusts absolutely anyone else on this planet.

SunshineCake · 10/04/2021 12:33

@Dozer

Really? Didn’t know that about name changing!

FT work WOULD be possible before next year: it’s a choice you’re making. Your reasons to delay returning to work seem to be your personal (and presumably DP’s) ‘values’ about motherhood and paid work, and concern about DP’s behaviour / reaction and potentially rocking the - already dodgy - relationship boat.

Those reasons don’t compare with the hard financial and other benefits to you and your DC of returning much sooner.

No. Not really. It isn't true.
Tinofcokeforme · 10/04/2021 12:35

Errrm what the hell? You arent in love with him but want to marry him so you can get your hands on his money

What should you do?

Leave him obviously!

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 10/04/2021 12:38

The OP and her boyfriend have both made decisions based on what they want/don’t want for themselves. OP is a grown woman who says she is full aware of how vulnerable she made herself by working part time when unmarried. This is the consequence of that! Of course he’s not going to marry her when he has the benefits of a wife and none of the financial and legal commitments. I wouldn’t in his shoes! But I also wouldn’t make the choices that the OP has.

I agree with PPs that the only way to change your situation is to work full time and stop giving him the ‘wife experience’ when legally you’re just a girlfriend. But it sounds like you don’t want to work full time and are worried about causing him any inconvenience at home so I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for, sorry. He’s not going to marry you at this point if you carry on as you are so it’s up to you if you’re ok with that. I know I wouldn’t be.

Crankley · 10/04/2021 12:39

I do think there is some unconscious sexism going on with OP being called 'grabby' for wanting to secure a share of the household financial assets, which her existence in the household is helping him to accrue, but he is not being accused of being grabby for wanting to benefit from her domestic and childcare labour.

I don't think anyone would suggest that, IF the OP hadn't said that she is no longer in love with her DP. So if she doesn't want to get married for love the only other reason is financial. As for her domestic and childcare labour, it was presumably her choice to do it or she would have made changes.

Had they wanted to get married years ago, nothing would have been easier than spending a couple of hundred pounds on a register office wedding. It doesn't have to cost thousands.

I'm shocked to read threads like this every day on here where women have placed themselves in such vulnerable positions.

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