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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
Kitsmummy · 03/04/2021 14:10

Dump him, he's not a boyfriend

BrutusMcDogface · 03/04/2021 14:11

This doesn’t sound like a relationship I’m afraid. Move on Flowers

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/04/2021 14:11

I wouldn't wait personally. One year 5 month is ridiculous. He has depression, but he is also stringing you along. This is not currently a relationship, is it?!

Chocolateismakingmefat · 03/04/2021 14:11

He is likely shagging someone in his home town.
And if he isn't you need to... He is having a relationship with weed instead of with you op..
Depression isn't an excuse to me a twat.

TreeDice · 03/04/2021 14:11

I'm sorry OP that sounds tough.

Gently, is this really a relationship? Are you getting what you need from it? To me, this would very much appear that he's either a) trying to get out of the relationship but can't actually say the words or b) incapable of understanding what a relationship is.

Think of yourself OP, do you really want to be sitting her next year saying "I haven't seen my "boyfriend" for 2 years"

Chocolateismakingmefat · 03/04/2021 14:12

Be a twat...

ThereforeIAm · 03/04/2021 14:12

You want a life with him but he obviously doesn’t want a life with you sorry. Despite his difficulties, I think you are wasting your time.

toomuchfaster · 03/04/2021 14:12

Walk away, he's not your boyfriend. You deserve better.

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2021 14:12

Is he getting help with his depression and is he looking for work. I would give him all the space he needs until he has a job.

Cleverpolly3 · 03/04/2021 14:12

He is either too unwell to be in a relationship with anyone or he is stringing you along

Either way I think you need to put yourself first now

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2021 14:13

Fucking hell, how much of your life are you willing to waste on him? This is not a relationship.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/04/2021 14:14

He smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either

You will never be equally as or more important than his weed smoking habit.

He's not really your boyfriend. & You need to work on your self-esteem, face up to why you'd really want to tie your life to someone like that.

Practising self-care is a good thing.

AnotherEmma · 03/04/2021 14:16

End the "relationship".
He doesn't want to see you, he smokes weed daily and he's unemployed. Hardly a catch is he?!
Please walk away and raise your standards.

LIZS · 03/04/2021 14:17

You've been with him 6 years but never met his family? Shock his distance in last 18 month aside, that is very odd behaviour. Ate the friends yours or his? Live near him or you? Suspect he may have more going on than you know. Call it a day and move on.

Original poster
Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:17

Thank you all for the comments it is really helpful, to answer a few questions I have seen he is not looking for a job and is not interested in doing so, and he does not believe in therapy so refuses to go talk to someone. He makes me feel bad for leaving and I begs for me to stay but things get better for 2 weeks before it gets back to the reasons I was upset in the first place

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 03/04/2021 14:17

Someone that you haven't seen for 1 year 5 months isn't your boyfriend, I'm sorry.

Why not use the impending end of lockdown to find someone nice, and new, that actually wants to spend time with you, and is excited at the thought of seeing you.

LIZS · 03/04/2021 14:18

You can't "leave" or "stay" with someone who has no real relationship with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2021 14:20

What is there to love about this man at all?. This is a destructive and codependent relationship. Why is your relationship bar so very low that you love someone like this man, what happened to you?.

This individual is a jobless and friendless depressed daily weed smoker?!. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you to be a rescuer and or saviour here?. Where are your own parents here?.

At 28 the world is your oyster, this man is a millstone around your neck. His primary relationship is with cannabis, not you and it’s never been with you either. Cannabis is also driving his depressed state.

Do end this charade before you become ever more over invested in this. I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

icdtap · 03/04/2021 14:20

He's not your boyfriend.
He has completely checked out of the relationship.
He is in a relationship with weed. There's also the possibility that he's with someone else where he lives. That's why you can't meet up.

Please do not waste another minute of your life on this weed addict. You can do way better than this. He smokes dope and he is unemployed with no interest in getting a job. Raise your standards!

trevthecat · 03/04/2021 14:21

I'd say he's living a double life. You haven't met his family? Probably because he lives with his wife and children

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2021 14:21

Grow a backbone and dump this loser. It's absolutely tragic how you have wasted your 20's on him.

itsgettingwierd · 03/04/2021 14:21

As gently as possible - you don't have a relationship.

He has someone waiting for him daily for a chat.

You sound so lovely and caring and deserve someone who will be lovely and caring back.

If you get the guilt and threats when you end it then you need to end it and block contact.

Moving on won't be easy but you can't live a half life waiting Thanks

DoingItMyself · 03/04/2021 14:22

Good grief.

You need to put this one firmly behind you. He makes you feel bad, when you haven't seen him for a year and five months? Fuck that. And he uses 'weed' daily? Run.

You are 28. Average life expectancy for women your age is 97 years. Don't waste another moment of your precious life on this dozy bastard. Move on.

mamaoffourdc · 03/04/2021 14:23

Block him and move on x

FinallyHere · 03/04/2021 14:28

He makes me feel bad for leaving

As a general rule, anyone who tried to make you feel bad is someone to be avoided. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into staying in this very unsatisfactory relationship for a minute longer.

Look out for people who help you to feel good about yourself and spend your time and energy with them.

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