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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
Notanotherhun · 03/04/2021 14:52

What an utter waste of space he sounds. Get rid.

MrsBungle · 03/04/2021 14:53

You’re wasting your best years with this loser.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2021 14:53

In these 6 years I have never been to his house as he said his family are always in tension I never questioned it as its his family home but also in these 6 years we have never been abroad together, been out that much together we have gone cinema, shopping etc but nothing out of the ordinary, I still am grateful for those days out though. He has come to my home and my met my mum but never wants to come to special events etc as he doesn't like family time.

My god, op, I don't know where to start. Why have you tolerated this? You have never had a real relationship with this man and he has been playing you for a fool all this time. He could very well be married and you would have absolutely no idea. Why are your standards so shockingly low?

SavoyCabbage · 03/04/2021 14:53

You are 28! You should be enjoying your life, not worrying about upsetting some bloke who won't even see you never mind show you any signs whatsoever that he's committed to you.

You want children and having them with him would be disastrous. He can't have a relationship never mind bring up children.

Tell him it's not working out for you and start living the life of a woman in her twenties.

MayIDestroyYou · 03/04/2021 14:54

OP have you understood what people have said?

You do not have a boyfriend.

Stop wasting your time and energy thinking about this man.

Stop communicating with him in any way.

Stop writing and talking and thinking about him at all.

Concentrate hard on your own life.

You are single and free to continue as such or to form another relationship.

ElspethFlashman · 03/04/2021 14:55

Boy oh boy.

So you sound like a bit of a doormat.

He literally gives you nothing, doesn't want to see you....and you're waiting....and waiting.....and waiting.....

And your life is slipping by.

I do feel sorry for you but I also think you need an almighty shake. This isn't depression - it's disinterest. Wake up and smell the indifference!

You are SINGLE. You are a single woman in the prime of your life.

Get out and start having fun with people who want to have fun too!

Original poster
Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:56

He lives about an hour away we both live in London and both drives but always makes an excuse to as why i cant drive out to see him

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/04/2021 14:57

OK, you want children, so I advise you to look for a man who:
A. Wants to see you (Prerequisite for any relationship surely!)
B. Has a job, doesn't have to be well paid but has to provide some stable income... if unemployed then it's not a complete red flag but only ok if it's short term and he's motivated and actively seeking work
C. Not addicted to weed, alcohol, any other drugs, gambling or porn

Tbh those are pretty basic requirements for someone who is relationship material, whether you want children or not, but they are absolutely essential and deal breakers when it comes to finding the father of your child(ren).

BilboBercow · 03/04/2021 14:58

This is ridiculous. You've wasted the best part of your 20s on this man. It's not even a relationship. I'd just block him and not even give him the chance to talk you around

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 03/04/2021 15:00

You aren't his "girlfriend" you"re his counsellor. Its not your job to rescue him - you cant make him happy, he has to do that himself and find focus and drive. His primary "relationship" is with weed which is just making his depression and lassitude worse. Block him, raise your standards and go and meet someone with more zip who enhances your life and doesnt suck the life out of it.

butterrcup · 03/04/2021 15:01

I would just stop talking to him! Why have you wasted so much time on this person? What do you get out of this cyber relationship? You may as well be with someone who lives on the other side of the world at this point.

JeffTheOracle · 03/04/2021 15:02

What do you love about him? What do you chat about daily, does he ask about your life, family, friends?

YoBeaches · 03/04/2021 15:04

Yeah I don't really know what your waiting for. This relationship is already over.

Depression can be hard but he clearly isn't able to be in a relationship. And smoking weed and refusing help shows he isn't willing to try.

You need to move on and let him go or you'll regret these years.

MrsColinRobinson · 03/04/2021 15:06

You both live in London... with the cheapest, best public transport system in the UK and you can't see each other? This isn't a relationship.

Just stop calling him or answering his calls. That way he'd have to make an effort to visit you, but he won't because he's a loser you're putting your life on hold for.

Raise your expectations massively please!

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 03/04/2021 15:07

His family are just that. Family as in partner and children.
Screw what he says I would have driven over to his years ago and parked outside.

You are not responsible for his mh. If he won’t get help that’s down on him.

PandaFluff · 03/04/2021 15:09

It doesn't sound like a relationship to be honest. You can do so much better and deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time with you. I hope he hasn't been getting money from you.

Time40 · 03/04/2021 15:10

You aren't his girlfriend, you're his no cost, 24/7 phone counsellor

I agree. He is wasting your time, OP. He sounds awful. What he is doing is actually abusive.

Dump him today - and don't agree to stay "friends". Just cut him out of your life.

grapewine · 03/04/2021 15:14

His relationship is not with you. His relationship is with weed.

Stop wasting your time. Six years is long enough. What exactly are you getting out of this?

Dontbeme · 03/04/2021 15:16

Not to be blunt OP but I have a closer relationship with my Tesco delivery driver than you do with this Boyfriend. You have never met his family, haven't seen him in a year and a half, does none of that seem a bit odd to you? Just stop answering his calls today and move on with your life, I would actually suggest some counselling for you too, something has led you to believe this is the best you deserve, you deserve so much better.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 03/04/2021 15:18

I’ve had more contact with a casual fuck buddy that the op in this “relationship”

Thinking more about. I would drive over to his and dump him to his face. Fuck him and his family issues 😂

Steptoeshorse1965 · 03/04/2021 15:18

Sad. But in truth, you need to rid yourself of this person, for your own sake. You won't get that time back you have spent waiting. Life is short, shorter for some than others. I think you know the decision you need to make.

shashaa · 03/04/2021 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Confusedandshaken · 03/04/2021 15:21

It's hard for you to accept this but you really aren't in a relationship with him anymore. He is your ex boyfriend. For a variety of reasons it has fizzled out.

Cut your losses on this one. Don't waste another day of your life hoping he will change and become the man you want. His behaviour over the last 6 years has made it very clear he doesn't want the same things you do.

Move on. Find someone who wants what you want.

Lovemusic33 · 03/04/2021 15:21

You need to wake up, your not in a relationship, if he wanted to see you then he would. He smokes weed, doesn't work and suffers with depression, yes ots awful that he has mental health issues but why should you suffer because of it? If he cared about you he would see you and reassure you, he sounds lile a lazy waste of space (sorry), he obviously doesn't want tonsprt himself out so why waste your time waiting for him to be ready? You are young and there are plenty of decent men out there that will treat you better and actually make time for you.

Whythesadface · 03/04/2021 15:21

You know where he lives, go onto 192 and see who lives with him.
Are you sure he is who you think he is?
Also i think he is using you, please as we come out of lockdown join clubs and change your life for the better.