Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 03/04/2021 17:07

If he uses weed constantly, he will have no incentive to do much at all, and most likely will not get out of his constant depression. I have known a few heavy weed users, and they can become paranoid about some things, and just stay in their own little world.
I would not entertain being in a relationship with a man like this., so why wait around for someone like this.

apalledandshocked · 03/04/2021 17:12

@Sasha93

In these 6 years I have never been to his house as he said his family are always in tension I never questioned it as its his family home but also in these 6 years we have never been abroad together, been out that much together we have gone cinema, shopping etc but nothing out of the ordinary, I still am grateful for those days out though. He has come to my home and my met my mum but never wants to come to special events etc as he doesn't like family time.
I am sure you are lovely but... you really really need to work on your self esteem, and your expectations of what a relationship should be. You should NOT feel "grateful" for "days out" shopping or even the cinema. Find a boyfriend who is grateful to see YOU. (And you know that this is possible, your current bf certainly thinks its a possibility which is why hes stringing you along/begging you not to leave him despite not having seen you for so long - because he wants to keep you as "his"). But frankly, even if you were single for 10 years you would be sooo much better off (being single is great)
fairydustandpixies · 03/04/2021 17:17

Oh sweetheart, you have to walk away from this one. Don't waste your love on someone who doesn't deserve or reciprocate it. You've got so much life ahead of you, don't be dragged down. It'll be tough because you love him but you have to think of yourself right now.

Livelovebehappy · 03/04/2021 17:26

I can’t see what you’re getting out of the relationship OP. He literally has no redeeming feature at all. Maybe you’re someone who feels they can ‘save’ people who are not coping with life, but I just wouldnt know where to start with him. He has so many issues, you hardly see him, and thankfully have no children with him. I’d cut my losses and find someone without so many complex needs, which won’t be difficult.

Mum4Fergus · 03/04/2021 17:26

I'm sorry, but I think he stopped being your boyfriend that year and 5 months ago...he just hasn't bothered to tell you Thanks

growinggreyer · 03/04/2021 17:28

I think you should get a new phone number so that he can't contact you from other numbers. Make him history and find a nice new bloke to come out of lockdown with.

katy1213 · 03/04/2021 17:33

That's not a boyfriend and you don't need a loser like this in your life.(Well, he's not even in your life, is he?)
Dump him. Will he even notice? Will you even notice?
And then - you need a boyfriend with a job, his own home, no drug habit and no depression. That's the bare minimum.

RampantIvy · 03/04/2021 17:38

I'm sorry, but you are the one with the problem here. Somehow you have learnt to cling into scraps that he throws you. Somehow, your standards are so low that you are only worthy of a druggy, unemployed aloof man, who doesn't really want to see you and could well be having a deeper connection with any number of other people. You seem to hang on his every word as truth, well, believe the actions, which scream out that he's really not bothered about you

I agree with this. In six years of “dating” you have never been to his house, you have never met his family, he smokes weed every day, he has no job and has no intention of getting one, he never prioritises you and it looks like he doesn’t even care about you. Why do you even bother with him? He adds nothing to your life.

This is an extremely dysfunctional “relationship”. In short, this isn’t a relationship at all. Cut yourself free and move on. And don’t let him guilt trip you into staying. It isn’t a relationship anyway.

katy1213 · 03/04/2021 17:39

And stop trying to rescue people! There's always some deadbeat needs to be rescued - it doesn't have to be by you, you're worth more!
They drop away from your life when they see they haven't a hope in hell.

EwwSprouts · 03/04/2021 17:49

You are effectively single. To quote someone else 'live your best single life'. Just block him and focus on your friends, family and job. Have more fun!

viques · 03/04/2021 17:49

Apart from him OP, what else is going on in your life? do you have a family who you see , do you work, do you have friends? Or has this man taken over all the corners of your life with his behaviour so that his phone calls are what is keeping you going?

Are you worried about being out in the dating world ( it’s a scarey place) so are hanging on to this phone chat life because it means you can say,”oh yes, I have a relationship, I have a boyfriend” when people ask you. Have you told anyone in real life about him, I mean the real him, and how he makes you feel? I have a feeling you haven’t because I think you know what they would say if you did.

I do worry that you have somehow slumped into feeling that this is as good as it will get for you, that you are destined to be with someone who doesn’t give you any emotional feedback or support, but who sucks the life , and the love, out of you.

As others have said up thread, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person, you deserve to be loved and valued , not treated like a convenient comfort blanket by someone who is acting like a Harry Potter dementor towards you.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 03/04/2021 17:50

You're wasting your life. Move on.

Whatnameisgood · 03/04/2021 18:12

I really hope you stick to your resolution to end the ‘relationship’. You mention he wouldn’t have counselling but honestly I think you might benefit from some counselling/reflection as to why you’ve stuck with this bizarre situation for so long. Really good luck with everything!

Whatnameisgood · 03/04/2021 18:13

You really don’t want to end up in a similar situation again!

munchiemunch · 03/04/2021 18:18

You haven’t seen your BF for a year and a half!!! Seriously? He’s not aBF. He’s not even a friend. This is a non relationship. Just stop calling him or responding to him. Start investing your energy in somebody who wants you!!

Wriggleout · 03/04/2021 18:18

You sound like you've got a lot going for you OP and would make a wonderful partner for someone who will really appreciate you. Those men are out there! Good luck!

miltonj · 03/04/2021 18:21

Please, please I'm begging you, don't waste your life on this man. You would hate to look back in a decade or so's time and realise you missed your boat on having a family because you were waiting for him.

Judging by your using name, you're my age, you are so young and will go on to have fun, fulfilling, life affirming relationships. This ain't it tho!

category12 · 03/04/2021 18:24

What do your friends and family reckon to him?

PickAChew · 03/04/2021 18:55

You should leave him with his mistress, weed. It's not like you really have a relationship with him and, depression or not, he's hardly life partner material.

Onelifeonly · 03/04/2021 19:05

Glad to hear you've decided to move on, wishing you all the best for the future.

Even if he decided to meet you tomorrow, he would still be depressed, addicted to weed, friendless and jobless with what sounds like a problematic family. None of that sounds worth having.

yetmorecrap · 03/04/2021 19:11

This guy either has someone already in his home town but likes chatting with you OR he is indeed a weed smoking loner with little prospects. Sorry OP, it doesn’t mean he is horrible, just means he isn’t worth hanging around for and having a non relationship. You will look back at this one day and think what the hell was I doing!!

RampantIvy · 03/04/2021 19:22

Or he is already married

EnjoyingTheSilence · 03/04/2021 19:26

Dump and block. He brings nothing good to the relationship, you deserve better. He had his chance and blew it.

hellcatspangle · 03/04/2021 19:33

He's not your boyfriend, he's just stringing you along. Time to cut him loose I think.

CirqueDeMorgue · 03/04/2021 20:26

@Chocolateismakingmefat

He is likely shagging someone in his home town. And if he isn't you need to... He is having a relationship with weed instead of with you op.. Depression isn't an excuse to me a twat.
If he cba to talk to his friends, get a job, move out, 'shag' his current girlfriend, it's pretty fucking unlikely he's got the energy to be doing this. Typical MN conclusion.
Swipe left for the next trending thread