Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
Shortiemyboo · 03/04/2021 15:22

What? Ditch! You deserve so much more

forumdonkey · 03/04/2021 15:22

This isn't a relationship. You are keeping yourself available, but for what? You know that you aren't going to see him this weekend. You have never met his family and you are sat all alone, hanging around just in case he calls. He's playing you for a fool. Take control of your life and move on. What does an unemployed, weed smoking man who still lives with his parents offer you?

You deserve better and let's face it, a man with a job who sees you once a month is an improvement on this waste of time.

Tbh, I think he's lying to you. I don't think he's sat at home single. I think he's probably in a relationship with someone else and that's the reason he doesn't see you, you've never been to his house, never met his family or friends, or takes you out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2021 15:23

He doesn’t want a girlfriend or partner, he wants a puppet on a string. You will never, ever make this relationship work. He is happy in his misery. Cut him loose. Find someone, who wants to cherish you and put you first.

Stop thinking of the sunk costs. Those are just wasted years. He clearly is giving you nothing. Consider getting some therapy yourself preferably before your fertility declines. You wouldn’t be in this non relationship if you valued yourself more.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2021 15:24

@Sasha93

Thank you all for the comments it is really helpful, to answer a few questions I have seen he is not looking for a job and is not interested in doing so, and he does not believe in therapy so refuses to go talk to someone. He makes me feel bad for leaving and I begs for me to stay but things get better for 2 weeks before it gets back to the reasons I was upset in the first place
What on earth do you see in this complete loser?

Please, work on your self-esteem.

Have you a friendship group? Family?

ChlamydiaSexPond · 03/04/2021 15:25

I'm really sorry lovely, but he isn't your boyfriend and this isn't a relationship. Move on before you waste anymore time on him

Original poster
Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 15:26

Thank you everyone again, another thing that hurts me about this relationship is that sometimes he gets annoyed when i ask for reassurance, he doesn't show his love often but when i ask for reassurance he gets annoyed at me for asking i know i shouldn't have to ask for this too.

OP posts:
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 03/04/2021 15:26

He is just a phone buddy , as pp said his relationship is with weed .

category12 · 03/04/2021 15:28

It's not a relationship, OP.

Do you have family or friends, OP?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 03/04/2021 15:28

This isn’t a relationship. If you ever want an actual boyfriend or to have a family, then you need to cut off this dead end now. You’re also not helping him. Just move on and get some help for your self esteem

Sanchez79 · 03/04/2021 15:28

You're already single, this isn't a relationship.

I'm really surprised your friends and family haven't staged some kind of intervention already. I would be SO concerned about any friend or daughter of mine who pissed away 6 years of her life with this stoner waste of space.

What you have with this guy is a friendship, conducted remotely via phone and not a very healthy friendship at that. But it is not even close to resembling an intimate relationship. You are literally single, go and live your single life..

Tistheseason17 · 03/04/2021 15:29

What are the positives he brings to the relationship, OP?
You need to make a list and compare.

Do you really want the father of your children to be this man? Is this what you want your children to aspire to? A weed smoking, irresponsible person with no goals and a gas lighting behaviour. He can fix himself but you cannot fix him. If he has not fixed himself in 6 years, he is not going to.

You need to look at yourself and ask yourself why this is an acceptable level of relationship for you?

How is your self esteem? I'm worried you do not think you are worthy of better.

Canigooutyet · 03/04/2021 15:29

Of course he gets annoyed because he’s panicking thinking your on to him or going to do something like show up on his door step. I mean, the only concern his family have is driving at night.

Figgygal · 03/04/2021 15:29

Dear god op
Read what you’ve written it’s over
Hes making excuse not to see you this is not someone you want to have children with

ElspethFlashman · 03/04/2021 15:29

Of course he gets annoyed!

He doesn't love you!

catatecheese · 03/04/2021 15:30

You are waisting your time with him. If as you say you want a family you need to walk away from this current mess. Weed smoking. unemployed and you have never met his family in 6 years??? Honestly you are being a fool, move on. You don't love him you love the idea of being in love and for some very misguided reason have attached yourself to someone completely incapable of giving you what you need.
I am actually rather curious about you? What is your story that make you actually accept this kind of behaviour from a man? At 28 most people have rather higher expectations.
Just dump him and move on.

SpringTimeDream · 03/04/2021 15:31

He is a pot head and has a relationship with weed not you.

Please dump and look for someone who wants to be with you not with a spliff

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 03/04/2021 15:32

Does a drug addict, with no job seem like a good bet for a husband? For a father?

mumofthemonsters808 · 03/04/2021 15:32

I had a boyfriend like this when I was young.I look back now and think what a fool I was for tolerating him.
I bumped into him many years later and he actually apologised for how awful he was.If our paths cross, we will have a chat, discovered he lives alone, no partner, nervous breakdown when his Mum died, fell out with his Brother, recently fell out with his Best Friend over something trivial.He still sounds damn hard work and he is now 55.Your post reminded me of how accommodating and foolish I’d been, get rid of him you really are wasting your time.

joystir59 · 03/04/2021 15:33

You are single. You are single. You are single.

Unsure33 · 03/04/2021 15:34

If you really want a family , walk away and don’t look back .

This relationship might be working for him , it’s never going to work for you .

EarthSight · 03/04/2021 15:35

he is not looking for a job and is not interested in doing so

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't quite intend to say this, but what he expects is for you to be quite happy on to carry on as you are, maybe forever. Think about that. No shared house, no children (most likely at this rate) and you being a carer for him for the rest of his days whilst he smokes weed. I wonder why there's tension in his house. I wonder why he still hasn't introduced you to his family yet. Could it be that you are a good enough for now type of girlfriend, and therefore doesn't want to introduce you because he knows he will then be held even more accountable for his current situation than he already is?

To expect you to put up with that is just a recipe for disrespect. There may be times when someone doesn't want to emotionally let go, and other people will be really grateful that you stood by them through thick & thin. I think you're hoping for the later....but I'm afraid so often it doesn't result in more devotion or respect. In fact quite the opposite. You have shown exactly how much you're willing to put up with....so next time he might get confidence that you'll put up with more.

Maybe you feel like you're abandoning him if you leave. It tugs at your heart, at your 'what if' insecurities, but you know what. He is not a child. Literally. I want you to really take that in - he is an adult male, NOT my child. He is not your patient either and even with patients, there is only so much anyone can do if they don't want to help themselves. It's hard, but sometimes you just have to accept that nothing will chance.

At this time in your life, you are at a very crucial stage. You have a good change of meeting someone, a good chance of setting up a home and having children maybe. Please, please don't throw those chances away because you feel obligated to be someone's carer in anything but name.

CloudFormations · 03/04/2021 15:36

You aren’t in a relationship with him. Under no possible definition of that word is a situation where one party refuses to see the other for a year and a half.

TatianaBis · 03/04/2021 15:38

This isn’t a relationship. He may live with his parents, he may be married, either way he’s a dead end who’s avoided you for a year.

6 years on this? Pull your life together.

WilsonMilson · 03/04/2021 15:39

This is not a relationship. You’re wasting your life. Spending most of your twenties on this guy is something you will absolutely live to regret. End it now.

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2021 15:40

I’m sorry op but you don’t have a boyfriend and have not done for a year and a half. You’re single.

I’m not sure why you can’t see it? You can continue to be his mate and chat on the phone nightly. But clearly it’s impossible to habe a baby with someone virtually unless he sends you a sperm sample in the post. He would also be an unemployed absent father.

I think you need to stop pretending you’ve got a boyfriend now. 💐