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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 03/04/2021 15:40

He’s been stringing you along. I can’t quite believe that you’ve not met his family in six years. Plus he doesn’t want to spend special events with you. Makes me suspicious that he has another girlfriend or even wife.

Don’t waste anymore time on him. Start living your life and moving forward. Chalk it up to experience.

whataboutbob · 03/04/2021 15:41

This man does not love you, has no prospects and is manipulative of your feelings. I’m sorry to say, but the only possible reason for you being attached to him must be very low self esteem. I’d bet that at present you don’t believe anyone better could be attracted to you. Work On Your Self Esteem. Read “ Women who love too much” ,or any other book about self esteem for women, ask your GP about counselling. Just drop him. I wouldn’t even confront him at present as he’ll sense you’re moving away and will try and chip away at your resolve. Please don’t waste any more time on this sorry excuse for a man.

EileenGC · 03/04/2021 15:41

as he doesn't like family time

Why even entertain the idea of starting a family with him then? He’ll never like it, not with you, not with anyone.

If he doesn’t show you love, he really isn’t your boyfriend. If you haven’t seen him in a year and a half, he isn’t your boyfriend. Read back what you wrote here and ask yourself, if this was a friend asking you for advice, what would you tell her?

I’m sorry he’s such a loser OP. Please send a message saying ‘I am out of this relationship as I’m not getting anything from it. Do not contact me again. All the best.’ and move on with your life. You deserve so much better.

CodMouth · 03/04/2021 15:41

You need to read what everyone’s writing.

He’s a loser.....sorry but he is. He has no job yet he’s buying weed and that’s taken over his life. He’s probably dealing it.
You haven’t seen him in two years.....in six years of wasting your time with him you’ve never met his family.
He would be a hopeless father to any children you had with him....weed would always come first.
He would be a hopeless husband, unemployed and smoking weed all day while you’d be running the entire show AND paying for his weed, food, clothes, video games etc.

God just dump him and find someone who has a future.

DailyCandy · 03/04/2021 15:42

He’s a waste of time. The good news is - you don’t have kids together! You’re not tied to him financially either!
Just forget him and start online dating or do something else to distract yourself.

pickaxer · 03/04/2021 15:43

Did you meet online or in real life ? This is very bizarre, are you sure he isn't already in a live in relationship, Covid maybe means he can't go out as much as he'd get busted. Although he just sounds like a stoner. I broke up with someone similar, he was a kind hearted guy but a total loser. He ended up marrying someone from abroad, and she just used him to get into the country by having a baby with him and then left him.

HeadFuzzy · 03/04/2021 15:44

Ooh love, sorry you’re dealing with this.

Time to focus some energy on yourself as he is doing for himself. Sounds like he’s going through it but that doesn’t mean you need to too x

rc22 · 03/04/2021 15:46

Move on and give yourself the chance of meeting someone you can have a real relationship and future with.

Easterlyegg · 03/04/2021 15:46

OP don’t waste another day of your life. There is no future here. You’ll regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t cut contact with him.

partyatthepalace · 03/04/2021 15:48

OP - in the gentlest way, he is no longer your boyfriend.

He’s using you as a support mechanism.

Move on - now.

nimbuscloud · 03/04/2021 15:51

This is such a waste of your life.
Access help to enable you to leave this situation

Babygotblueyes · 03/04/2021 15:51

As long as he is smoking weed daily he is likely to remain depressed (it acts on the central nervous system as a depressant) and unemployed (as demotivation is common in heavy users of marijuana). Sorry OP, sounds like you are in love with someone who is not helping themselves and if you put too much time into this, it will take you down too. Take care.

RaininSummer · 03/04/2021 15:53

I woukd be both sad for and worried about my daughter if she had a so-called relationship like this. OP your life is passing you by. These are your best years to meet your life partner and plan children if you want them. Please don't squander them on this messed up man.

Ellmau · 03/04/2021 15:56

Lose him? Sorry, OP, you don't have him to lose.

Just move on.

Sassysally12 · 03/04/2021 16:12

Op this isn’t a boyfriend it’s a penpal. He will drag you down forever I’m afraid, you are gaining nothing here and simply
Wasting your time. End it xx

Brieminewine · 03/04/2021 16:12

Wow I feel really sorry for you OP, what a sad waste of six years of your life.

How have your friends and family let you in continue in this ‘relationship’? If you want a real relationship then you need to forget about this guy because what you’ve described is not normal.

Dery · 03/04/2021 16:15

As PP have said, this isn’t a relationship, OP, but thank God for that because he sounds like a complete waste of space. It doesn’t matter whether or not he wants you to stay available to him, you don’t owe him a relationship. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You’ve already wasted 6 years on this man and not met his family. This is so incredibly strange and unhealthy.

OP - please don’t waste another hour on this man and PLEASE, PLEASE don’t let him talk you around with promises that he will improve. This is who he is: a dope-addicted waste of space who can’t be bothered to work. He would be completely the wrong person to have children with.

Please dump him and do some serious work to look at why such a poor relationship was acceptable to you. And as a PP has said: take a look at Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Tubs11 · 03/04/2021 16:15

And you want to build a life with this man? Do you not think you deserve better?

Opentooffers · 03/04/2021 16:16

I'm sorry, but you are the one with the problem here. Somehow you have learnt to cling into scraps that he throws you. Somehow, your standards are so low that you are only worthy of a druggy, unemployed aloof man, who doesn't really want to see you and could well be having a deeper connection with any number of other people. You seem to hang on his every word as truth, well, believe the actions, which scream out that he's really not bothered about you. What a great life you'd be setting yourself up for with a person who doesn't want to 'do family time'.
In reality, he's probably never seen you as his GF, and he likely dumped you 1year and 5 months ago but it hasn't sunk in yet. He's just seeing how long he can string you along - a way too long time it seems. So, you are the one with the biggest issue, because you still think he's your BF, when it should be obvious by not. But hey, if you ask him if he is and he tells you he is, it must be true, because even if he doesn't want to see you, nobody lies - wrong! Plenty of men lie about stuff.
Talk to someone about why you haven't got the message yet, why you are clinging onto this instead of finding someone who does want to see you, actually go on hols with you, meet each others families and friends, and go to events with you - you are letting yourself miss out on a load of important things that are part of a relationship. This is not love, this is being desperate for affirmation and willing to wait till the dawn of time to get it.

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/04/2021 16:17

You sound like a lovely person, op, but you are suffering from a lack of self-esteem. It’s time to face the facts: he is using you, abusing you emotionally, and is selfish and manipulative. Leave him now; you’ll never be happy staying with him.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2021 16:18

Just what the others have said. This isn't a boyfriend. He relies on you for support (I wonder whether you send him any money?) but there's no way in which this is a relationship. Step away. You will find evenings difficult if you're used to talking to him then - do you have other friends you can talk to?

RaspberryCoulis · 03/04/2021 16:18

Just echoing what everyone else said. This thing isn't a relationship. You haven't seen him in almost 18 months, he's a pothead loser who doesn't believe in getting help, won't introduce you to his family, isn't interested in meeting yours

The real question, @Sasha93, is why you are putting up with this?You can do SO much better.

KarmaNoMore · 03/04/2021 16:19

That is closer to an imaginary friend than a boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to have anything worth staying for. Why are you doing this to yourself? He is not even interested! He has his life and probably a girlfriend everybody knows, he is just flattering himself winding you up.

Mumwithapub · 03/04/2021 16:19

6 years and he hasn't introduced you to his family! He doesn't really see you as a girlfriend or that he is in a relationship with you does he? Have you asked him what you actually are to him. Sounds like he is stringing you along, sorry but you have wasted too much time on him and he doesn't want to change.
Move forward & good luck.

LancesGold · 03/04/2021 16:21

What have I just read?
This guy is not your boyfriend. He hasn't been for at least a year and a half! You need to do some work on yourself and build your self esteem. You are worth far more than thisFlowers You are single op. Block this pot head loser and go live your life.

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