Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

[Sasha93]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

To answer your original question, OP, yes - your kindness is being taken for granted here. You should not wait any longer. You have been waiting for six years already!

It doesn't sound like the relationship has ever been good. He is not demonstrative of having feelings for you, he is unwilling to engage in family life, he is not interested in doing normal things with you like going on holiday or to family events, he is unemployed and a drug addict. (And that was all before the not seeing you for over a year!) This man is NOT father material.

I can understand how he pressures you to keep talking with him every night but YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION TO END THIS. You need to end it once and for all, "This is not working for me. I have given up six years of my life so far and cannot afford to give you any more of my time, energy or headspace. I wish you well but I don't want to hear from you again. Do not try to contact me." Then BLOCK HIM so that he cannot reel you back in again.

You keep posting to tell us more details of how awful he is. Tell us more about YOU. You are in your late twenties and would like to start a family someday. Maintaining the status quo here makes that significantly less likely to happen. Having no contact with this man makes it much more likely that you will be able to find a nice, normal man to settle down with. What do your friends and family think of this situation?

Ok, so after SIX years, he:

• doesn't show you love often
• smokes weed daily
• doesn't work and has no ambition
• gets annoyed when you seek reassurance
• doesn't want to introduce you to family
• doesn't want to come to your family events

There's loads more I could add based on your posts but when you read the above, do you really think this man is a suitable candidate to have a child with?

You mention you want children. It would be selfish and irresponsible to knowingly have them with this man, tbh.

You're 28 - you have time to meet someone else and have a family with them. I'm 34 and only now in a relationship where I feel it's stable and healthy enough to TTC.

I've wanted children for maybe ten years now but I recognise that choosing the father of my future children will be the first big responsibility I have as a mother, so I've waited.

Don't short change your future children by having them with this guy.

Sasha: He makes me feel bad for leaving and I begs for me to stay.
........
How can you 'leave' or 'stay' when you are not actually with him?

This guy is not your boyfriend. You never see him, can't go to his house and he won't come to yours. He won't do anything to help himself. He is content to have a telephone relationship and may have more than one. The guy is in his own little world and you are on the periphery.

You are a very young woman who could have a couple of young, fun years before settling down with a nice chap and having a family.

There's no question of you leaving him because you aren't with him, just ignore his calls and don't call him. Think about what you can do to improve your social life and meet new people. There's a big world out there waiting for you. 28 is a lovely age!

That's not a boyfriend, and it's not a relationship. Move on.

Thank you all again for the messages this is the push I needed to finally leave him, I thought it I was being mean for leaving someone with depression but you are all right I do deserve better, I am an ambitious person with a good job and I dont smoke and I have lots of interests in life and i adore my friends and family they are everything to me so I feel like I have a lot going for me. Thank you again for the advice is so appreciated and I have finally left this toxic loophole! It was hanging by a thread but I felt bad but Im glad I shouldn't feel this way.

OP, even when he is not avoiding you due to ‘depression’ it’s hardly the relationship you want is it?

You have the best years of your life ahead of you. You should be travelling, going on holiday, enjoying get together s with friends and days out.

And there is no way you can have kids with this man. The weed, the depression, the refusal to get help, the refusal to meet family etc.

He won’t change.

There is nothing you can do to make him change.

It’s funny, he is refusing any strategies or help that might improve his life, while you, similarly stick in a relationship that is ruining your own life.

Why is that?

@Sasha93 Leaving this 'relationship' will be the best thing you will ever do. What do your family and friends say? I would be shocked if they haven't been telling you to kick this guy to the curb for a LONG time now?

He isn't your BF, I mean that as gently as possible. He has priorities and you don't even get on that list I'm afraid.

He's wasting his life and yours too, stop wasting time on this deadbeat, raise your bar - you deserve better

What a waste of your time.

I'm sorry, but you are the one with the problem here. Somehow you have learnt to cling into scraps that he throws you. Somehow, your standards are so low that you are only worthy of a druggy, unemployed aloof man, who doesn't really want to see you and could well be having a deeper connection with any number of other people. You seem to hang on his every word as truth, well, believe the actions, which scream out that he's really not bothered about you

I've cut and pasted this because it's good advice.

You've normalised a completely abnormal situation and relationship (such as it is).

Free yourself, have that amazing life you want, and you'll very, very quickly look back with absolute relief that you didn't waste another second in this toxic situation.

Don’t feel guilty for a second. You owe him nothing, he’s been deaf to your needs. Put yourself first for a change. Don’t hope to get anything loving or nurturing out of him, he’s indicated he’s unable to provide that.

Addicted to weed
No job, no home, no money, no prospects
Won't even see you

What do you get out of this 'relationship'? Even if he started to see you again, he has other huge red flags.

Op, wake up! Don't waste any more of your precious life on this man. You can't fix him and fixing him is not your responsibility.

@Sasha93

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

I'll be blunt - just how long are you willing to put YOUR life on hold for this total wanker?

'Dating' for six years. But in 2019 you only saw him nine times, you haven't actually met since November 2019 - that's almost a year and a half ago! You've never met his family. NEVER.

"i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him"
No, you don't love him. You don't even know him. What you love is no more than an idea of him. A 'him' that you've constructed in your head. A 'him' that isn't denied to you because of depression, weed, pandemic, his family "tension", his joblessness - in short, a total fucking illusion of 'him'. Pardon my French, but for the love of god lassie, in what way is this a relationship?

Give it up. He already has! But he's such a wanker he can't actually let you go. And go you should. If you want a family, go and find a man you can make that happen with. Right now, this wanker is cock-blocking your future [anger] by keeping you dangling. And for what?

And once you've stopped entertaining the notion that you're in a relationship with someone you haven't even laid eyes on for a year and a half, maybe you can get on with your life.

You don’t want a life without a pot smoking, jobless man who’s kept you hidden from his family for years?..... what should you do? Dump him!

I hope the replies on this thread are a wake up call for you, everyone is saying you deserve better, believe that.

I'm surprised you say you have you friends. I assumed you must be a loner. Where the hell have they been for the last couple of years?? Why haven't they told you to give your head a wobble and drop the delusion that 1) you have a boyfriend 2)the waste of space you think you've been "seeing" is any good.
Have you ever had a real relationship? You are young, so perhaps not. You sound like prime fodder for an abuser because your standards are incredibly low. Please work on that. Don't date anyone until you have worked out what attracted you to Mr Weed-smoker.

He sounds like a keeper OP. You’ll have a tonne of fun raising a family with him. 🙄

I’m sure you will ignore all the advice here and be back posting an update in a few months about how you’ve still not seen him.

You’re 28 not 14. In the nicest possible way- grow up and move on!

Good for you! Don't look back.

However do come back here and tell us how things are going, we want to enjoy your adventures too.

It's encouraging to know you have good friends, family and a decent job. The world is your oyster!

One tip, when you go out with anyone new don't tell them all about this guy, just say you had a boyfriend some time ago but it fizzled out, been on your own for a while.

Be happy.

Well done on making up your mind OP.

Please will you come back and update us on how you're doing in 3 months time? At 28 with a good job, loving friends, your freedom plus the summer months and lockdown easing I guarantee you'll be flying. Best of luck

He is using you as an emotional crutch and punchbag. He can stay stuck, you can move on. Your family and friends (if nice) will be delighted for you I am sure.

Don’t let him persuade you to ‘stay.’ You need to be really firm and determined and stick to your decision.

Well done for finally seeing the light. Please, please take this advice... Text him it's over and then block him from absolutely everything. Never communicate with him again. Trust me on this, it's the best way.

@sasha93 I'm so happy you've decided to leave him. Please never dedicate yourself to anyone else who will not dedicate themselves to you in return. Do not look back. If you go back to him things will get worse and you will miss out on a nice family life.

Good luck to you, you deserve someone who will show you the same love and respect you give them. This man is, however depressed he may be, a deadbeat. He has strung you along for as long as it is convenient and has offered you nothing in return. Do not squander your love and kindness again. Demand better, you deserve much more.

You don't have a boyfriend. You have a pen pal at best.

Do not waste any more of your life on this complete stain OP. He’s an emotional vampire and he’s using you.

Get rid and never look back.