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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
Wriggleout · 03/04/2021 14:28

I can't possibly see how this can work out at all in real life. At the moment, he'll never earn money and every day spent out of work makes it harder for him to get back into work. He's got no prospects and no motivation- a total waster.

Where does he get the money for the weed? His parents? Stealing? Benefits?

These are your childbearing years ( if you want kids), so get out and find someone else before it is too late. You really are much better than this.

PicsInRed · 03/04/2021 14:29

You aren't his girlfriend, you're his no cost, 24/7 phone counsellor.

You dont have a boyfriend, you have an anchor with zero future for you attached. You're quite literally squandering your best years - and if you want children, your key childbearing years - on this man and he is perfectly happy for you to do so. He doesn't sound so nice or deserving of your time in that light, does he?

Dump him OP, and move on with your life.

Seventrees · 03/04/2021 14:29

Average life expectancy 97 years?!! That can't be right.
Regardless, this relationship is obviously a disaster and has no future (or certainly no good future). Leave him right now - open yourself up to different relationships.

Lordamighty · 03/04/2021 14:30

You are wasting your life on someone who prioritises weed over a proper relationship. Time to move on.

TillyTopper · 03/04/2021 14:36

He's not your boyfriend - sorry OP! You need to find someone that wants a proper relationship and doesn't smoke weed (or do any other crazy things). Dump, block, move on.

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 03/04/2021 14:37

End this. You’ll lose nothing except aggro.

Lindy2 · 03/04/2021 14:38

Good grief. What on earth does he do that actually benefits you and makes this relationship enjoyable. I suspect absolutely nothing.

It is very much time to end this and move on to something better. It's not really been a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for quite some time. You are far too young to waste any more of your life on just waiting around to see someone who doesn't want to see you.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 14:38

@BrutusMcDogface

This doesn’t sound like a relationship I’m afraid. Move on Flowers
Yes! You're young, you can love someone else without all the baggage. I don't know why you've been hanging on for so long.
AndeanMountainCat · 03/04/2021 14:38

Jesus Christ on a unicycle. Just block him and go and find some self respect. He doesn’t even deserve the courtesy of being dumped.

Blueskytoday06 · 03/04/2021 14:40

He makes you feel bad by not committing to a relationship but keeps you strung along with breadcrumbs. Control is not love. Don't confuse the two.

worried3012 · 03/04/2021 14:41

I think you need to be selfish and put yourself first as unfortunately I think that he will bring you down with him. It's difficult but ultimately he is doing nothing to help himself and you're just going to be miserable with him.
Have you had a frank conversation about him not wanting to see you, does he always say it is because of his depression?
I also think after 6 years you haven't met family is a bit of a red flag. Have you been to his house?

Original poster
Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:42

Thank you everyone who has commented so far its really overwhelming to see so much help. I am very family orientated and would love a family of my own one day. I am not sure where he gets money to buy his weed but he has money saved from his old job where he worked in a bank. I always tried to help him and be there for him but I feel like its all too much now, I am worried about my childbearing years too. Thank you again for such lovely comments its really appreciated

OP posts:
Feelinglikepoop · 03/04/2021 14:42

He’s not a boyfriend and your life is in limbo. Time to call it quits

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2021 14:43

Indeed such control is not love. His behaviour towards you is rooted in abuse. If a friend of yours was telling you this what would your response be?.
.

WaterBottle123 · 03/04/2021 14:43

He's not your boyfriend OP. Boyfriends are people who you actually see. You can do much better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2021 14:45

No person can act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you are trying to be both. Do not further sacrifice your mental health and well-being on his altar.

Please read Women who love too much by dr Robin Norwood.

RowanAlong · 03/04/2021 14:46

He’s not a catch for you OP! Move onwards and upwards!!

Notanotherhun · 03/04/2021 14:46

Get out. Anybody using weed as an adult is not a grown up. Get out and move on.

Original poster
Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:46

In these 6 years I have never been to his house as he said his family are always in tension I never questioned it as its his family home but also in these 6 years we have never been abroad together, been out that much together we have gone cinema, shopping etc but nothing out of the ordinary, I still am grateful for those days out though. He has come to my home and my met my mum but never wants to come to special events etc as he doesn't like family time.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 03/04/2021 14:47

I hope you take the comments on board and end this set up. It's not a relationship. Don't bother calling him tonight or if you do tell him it's over. How dare he make you feel bad for leaving - leaving what exactly? He hasn't seen you in over a year. There's nothing to leave apart from the daily miserable phone calls. Give yourself the gift of freedom and hopefully you will find someone who is worthy of you and you will have the family you wish for.

Original poster
Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:49

Also every time i ask him why he can't come over this weekend he just says i already told you why and says hes not ready still and will come when he is ready

OP posts:
Avenueofcherryblossom · 03/04/2021 14:50

Don’t waste any more of your life waiting for this man. If he really wants a relationship with you he will seek out help for his depression so that he can be a functioning member of society. He can’t simply say that he doesn’t believe in counselling and do nothing else to help himself. Does he take anti-depressants?

If you were to ever live together it is more than likely that you would find yourself lumbered with a man who won’t work or contribute to the running of the house. You will end up working to support him, while also doing all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. You surely can’t envisage starting a family together?

DorisLessingsCat · 03/04/2021 14:51

He's just using you as some kind of emotional crutch. This is not a relationship. And why on earth would you want to have a relationship with a weed addicted, jobless man who lives with his parents?

Crimeismymiddlename · 03/04/2021 14:52

He is not your boyfriend. I am surprised that friends and family have not pointed this out to you, but is sounds like he tried the usual tactics to get you to dump him [not seeing you for MORE THAN A YEAR, been together six years and not meeting family, a daily weed smoker and generally being a big loser], it hasn’t worked so he is using you as a free and constantly available counsellor. You must be able to see this, why are you clinging on to such a rubbish sounding individual who can’t even be bothered to tell you it’s over. You don’t say how far away he is, but I can guess it is not that far.
Just block him-normally I would not advise this but he has not given you any thought over six years, however he will probably convince you to still be ‘friends’ if you tell him he is going in the bin. Life is going back to normal soon, you can enjoy your life and once you have worked on why you thought that this is an acceptable way to be treated you will be ready to meet a nice, functional proper man who treats you well, is not a drug user and has a job.

category12 · 03/04/2021 14:52

Do you have a MH diagnosis yourself?

Or is there something else going with you that makes you feel unworthy of a normal relationship?