Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 03/04/2021 20:33

@Sasha93

Thank you all again for the messages this is the push I needed to finally leave him, I thought it I was being mean for leaving someone with depression but you are all right I do deserve better, I am an ambitious person with a good job and I dont smoke and I have lots of interests in life and i adore my friends and family they are everything to me so I feel like I have a lot going for me. Thank you again for the advice is so appreciated and I have finally left this toxic loophole! It was hanging by a thread but I felt bad but Im glad I shouldn't feel this way.
You do deserve better, and you'll never get what you want from him.

You don't have a relationship. And I would bet a huge amount that he's married and you've been the OW all along.

He smokes weed, and is a loser, uses you as his personal therapist, and so on. He simply isnt worrth it.

And someonoe having MH issues is not a reason to remain in a "relationship" if it's not working for you, which this one isn't.

Having depression is not an excuse to treat someone like shit. I left my ex after 30 years, and he had depression. But the depression wasn't the cause of his shitty behaviour, he was always an abusive arrogant shit. It was very telling that he had no friends, people were very quick to tell me they didn't like him after I left.

MargosKaftan · 03/04/2021 20:36

If it helps you OP - you might do him a favour by cutting contact.

It doesn't sound like he wants a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship with you, it seems more he wants someone to talk to, essentially a talking therapy.

But you aren't a professional counsellor, which is what it sounds like he needs. By being a sticking plaster on his mental health, you are stopping him getting real help, that he clearly needs.

He lives with family so you don't have to worry about him not having support to turn to.

End it and he might have to get help he needs.

Suzi888 · 03/04/2021 20:37

Sounds really tough, I agree that you are wasting your time with this man. I don’t mean to be u kind but he’s clearly not well enough for a relationship. You need to let him go, he’s not the guy for you.

expectopelargonium · 03/04/2021 20:37

Set yourself free, my lovely.

Spread your wings and enjoy life.

Flowers
user1471549213 · 03/04/2021 20:42

Oh dear, you seem so lovely and he is completely taking advantage of you. You can't possibly be in a relationship with this guy, you haven't seen him for 1.5 years and he lives across the city from you and he constantly makes excuses for you not to visit. Regardless of whether he is already married or just uninterested and an asshole you have no future with this guy.

Text him now and say you are done waiting, you're moving on to live your life. Then block and delete.

Good luck, I wish you a lovely life

RhubarbCustardy · 03/04/2021 20:53

OP, seems like he's either very needy or like others have said, has a double life/seeing someone else. Do you even know his address? Either way, there doesn't really seem to be anything you're gaining from this relationship. You need to have a think about why you love him. People in relationships are usually in them to enhance the lives of each other. Doesn't seem that this is happening here. You'll probably find that you don't miss him when you have made the break. Please don't be someone's crutch.

TripleSeptic · 03/04/2021 21:09

Oh my love, what would you advise your daughter to do? Speak to him tonight with your rose tinted glasses off. Listen to him, make notes about his negativity and lack of love, care, attention, ambition. Hang up the phone and delete and block. He doesn't have to know this is your last conversation, he will try to reel you back in. Just say your goodbyes and stop this. You can have a life, a relationship with sex, support, fun, adventures, holidays, children, stress, fights, passion, companionship, love, more adventures, trips to Tesco, rows about the dishwasher, decisions over colour schemes, snuggles. You are stuck in his rut right now, and you don't have to be. The grass on the other side is alive and well, it might have moss and a few weeds, nothing is perfect, but you sound like a lovely person and you deserve so much more than the barren landscape you are experiencing remotely with this shell of a relationship ♥️♥️♥️

Regularsizedrudy · 03/04/2021 21:37

Yeah he’s not your boyfriend. Stop wasting years of your life.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 03/04/2021 21:39

Wasting your life. Walk away

FinallyHere · 03/04/2021 21:43

says hes not ready still and will come when he is ready

Is the perfect opening to say don't bother, this isn't working for me and block him everywhere.

More importantly, start looking around for other things to do in order to widen your network of acquaintances and look out by for someone much lovelier

Alonelonelyloner · 03/04/2021 22:20

I don't think I've wished so hard for someone to be dumped in all my years on Mumsnet!! This man is just a shitshow!!!

Don't waste a minute more on this twat OP!

altiara · 03/04/2021 22:21

@Sasha93 well done OP.
Hope you’re doing ok. Post again if you think you need the extra support. Flowers

Cokie3 · 03/04/2021 22:53

Newsflash, you don't have a relationship. He is not your boyfriend. He is seeing someone else, or at the very least he dumped you one year and 5 months ago, you just haven't realised it. Your relationship ended one year and 5 months ago. Move on.

Weed is well known for causing depression especially if smoked every day.

Cokie3 · 03/04/2021 22:56

@Sasha93

In these 6 years I have never been to his house as he said his family are always in tension I never questioned it as its his family home but also in these 6 years we have never been abroad together, been out that much together we have gone cinema, shopping etc but nothing out of the ordinary, I still am grateful for those days out though. He has come to my home and my met my mum but never wants to come to special events etc as he doesn't like family time.
In these 6 years I have never been to his house

You realise that's because he has a whole other family/wife/kids and you are the OW, right? Confused Hmm

Cokie3 · 03/04/2021 23:09

OP, you've been the OW for 6 years. And because of the first lockdown last year, he hasn't been able to see you because he's been stuck in lockdown with his wife/partner. That's the reality of it.

RedToothBrush · 03/04/2021 23:14

@Sasha93

Thank you all for the comments it is really helpful, to answer a few questions I have seen he is not looking for a job and is not interested in doing so, and he does not believe in therapy so refuses to go talk to someone. He makes me feel bad for leaving and I begs for me to stay but things get better for 2 weeks before it gets back to the reasons I was upset in the first place
This isn't a relationship.

He is emotionally blackmailing you whilst offering you nothing.

Don't waste your life on someone not ready to help themselves, even look for a job and would rather spend their life smoking weed.

One day you will look back on your life and think, why did I invest so much of my life in someone who wasn't interested in giving me anything in life. Not even a minute in over a year and a half.

Get some self respect and dump him. You can do better than this. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting more in life than this. He's not your responsibility if he isn't prepared to even see you in that length of time. Depression is an excuse for not giving a shit about you and having a weed addiction in this particular case.

Osirus · 04/04/2021 00:33

OP, he can’t see you because he’s bubbled up with his drug dealer.

You’ve wasted six years on this absolute time waster, six years you are never going to get back. Don’t waste another day on this man.

What on earth have you been thinking!?

Sakurami · 04/04/2021 00:37

Leave him, please.

RedToothBrush · 04/04/2021 00:43

Cracking that you can get a dealer to home deliver these days. I hope its all socially distanced and he doesn't have to see his dealer face to face. I mean 1 year 5 months of not seeing your dealer AND your girlfriend face to face really would be hard going. Wonder where the dealer lives. Can't be the other side of town can it?

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 00:58

RedToothBrush, dealers have always home delivered. Some deliver pizzas at the same time (I've seen it on the telly).

RedToothBrush · 04/04/2021 01:07

@jessstan2

RedToothBrush, dealers have always home delivered. Some deliver pizzas at the same time (I've seen it on the telly).
Imagine having a better relationship with the pizza delivery guy than your girlfriend.

Thats kind of my point.

That where the OP fits into the life of this deadbeat; below the pizza delivery guy in his priorities. And she's accepted this. And thinks she is his girlfriend.

Nope.

crimsonlake · 04/04/2021 01:08

There is not a relationship to end as you were not in one by the sounds of it..

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 04/04/2021 01:09

I am pretty sure you could find a better man than this in short order.

What the hell kind of relationship is it if you don't even see each other and he doesn't want to?

If you like talking to him on the phone then keep him as a friend but to me a boyfriend is someone who you do enjoyable things with, go for days out, share interests, hug, kiss and indeed shag. Someone who you care about AND who cares about you.

This just sounds really miserable and joy sucking and pointless.
Time to move on.

AnotherSunrise · 04/04/2021 01:21

If he smokes weed every day it's not surprising he has depression, seriously I would move on

BadLad · 04/04/2021 03:20

Miss Havisham had a loving, fulfilling relationship compared to this.

Glad you're dumping him - hopefully it's done now.

You'll see the benefits immediately - you won't have to suffer excruciating phone calls with him every day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread