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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend with depression, has not seen me for 1 year 5 months. Please help me.

221 replies

Sasha93 · 03/04/2021 14:09

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, we are both 28. He has suffered with depression and still
is. He lives at home and so do I so we don't live together. His depression got worse in 2019, that year we only saw each other 9 times and the last time I saw him in person was November of that year. I get we went into a pandemic soon after but he did not want to even meet up during the times we could of 2020 as he said he is not ready. He doesn't want me to go meet him as he gets worried for me to drive back home at night and his family have "tension" so he doesn't want me to go to his house (i have not been introduced to his family yet) he smokes weed every day and also has stopped talking to all his friends, he hasnt had a job for 4 years either. We talk on the phone every night and i really don't want to lose him as I love him and want a life with him but how much longer can I wait till he is ready to see me again? what should I do? I have waited a year and 5 months for him to be ready so far and he still needs time, is my kindness being taken for granted or should I wait longer? We haven’t got kids but I am desperate for help :(

OP posts:

NC4N · 04/04/2021 03:40

@Sasha93

Name changed for this, but is his name Paul by any chance?

Sounds very familiar to an unfortunate character I've encountered before, and goodness me it's an odd/unusual scenario so I had to ask.

NC4N · 04/04/2021 03:43

Infact, NVM. Just saw the ages in OP and they're off. I thought men like this were almost non existant and I was just the unluckiest woman going.

Just get rid.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 04/04/2021 03:58

He’s depressed and hopeless, OP, but please don’t make the mistake of giving up your own life to try to help him. It won’t work, and you’re just wasting more time. I hope you will make the break and move on with your life.

subbysammiexoxo · 04/04/2021 04:02

I went through an abusive relationship for 5 years which I left at christmas having seen him once in 5 months. a year and 5 months is beyond a joke, he is using you as a doormat and have a bit more self respect. Like others have said you do not have relationship anymore you a chatting digitally. Stop hanging on and move on, if he wanted to see you he would, the lockdown has nothing to do with this, the fact you've been together so long and don't live together and aren't a bubble together is concerning enough.

subbysammiexoxo · 04/04/2021 04:06

you are* and having read further you've not even been into his family home in six years what?? Either this is a troll post or you are naïve in either case move on

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/04/2021 04:28

Holy crap I really have read it all now! Just walk away (from what?), and get some counselling please, this really isn't normal behaviour. For either of you! You deserve so much better.

MayIDestroyYou · 04/04/2021 06:45

This is one of those threads that I find myself hoping is entirely fictitious - because I wouldn't like to think any real life woman had wasted so much of her time on anything as worthless as this 'relationship'.

Thank you all again for the messages this is the push I needed to finally leave him, I thought it I was being mean for leaving someone with depression but you are all right I do deserve better,

All hail the power of MN ...

SunIsComing · 04/04/2021 06:51

Leave the idiot, you’re wasting your life on a drug taking loser.

summeriscoming20 · 04/04/2021 08:11

Agree with PP you have wasted the best years of your twenties with this loser. Don't waste any more time with him or you'll have serious regrets when you're older. I can't believe your family and friends haven't asked what you're still doing with him tbh, this is no relationship at all

Tinacollada · 04/04/2021 08:17

OP, you're not here to save him

eatsleepread · 04/04/2021 08:37

Dump the loser.
Your relationship expectations are astonishingly low.

bangheadhere40 · 04/04/2021 09:28

Have you dumped him? It's a waste of your life.

MrsGulDukat · 04/04/2021 09:54

Ditch him.

Dont even tell him because theres nothing to tell. Block and move on.

RedGoldAndGreene · 04/04/2021 10:29

I'm pleased that you can see everybody's point.

Imagine having a baby with a stoner. He couldn't look after the child on his own and couldn't be relied upon to stay awake during the day never mind drive to the hospital in an emergency. He loves you but us hiding away for over a year - imagine how that would affect a child who is going to inevitably cause stress. Imagine what family life would be like if he won't do social events like parties and gatherings

He's treating you like a dog and ignoring your emotional needs. Depression is horrible but he's happy in his current state - no worries about bills so he can bury his head in the sand more.

Expecting to see your bf is such a low bar. You deserve someone who will support you, have the same goals as you and make your life better. He adds nothing to your life - I'm not sure if I'm a courtroom using boyfriend would even be accurate.

honeylulu · 04/04/2021 10:39

Glad you've decided to dump him though i agree with posters saying that he isn't your boyfriend (any more). You live in the same city and haven't seen each other for nearly a year and a half even though they're nothing preventing that happening. I don't know why he's keeping you hanging on. Maybe he doesn't want to be the bad guy by being the one to finally finish it. But one thing's for sure - he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

In any case he sounds like a massive loser. Block and move on; find a new boyfriend.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 04/04/2021 12:48

At this stage he's not really your boyfriend anymore, is he? Sorry OP. You need to move on.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 04/04/2021 12:51

Just read you updates - YUCK! Unemployed, unmotivated, weed smoking, lazy, unloving, AND refusing to see you? He sounds awful! You say you want kids - imagine having a baby with this man? It would be disastrous! Please leave him. He might even have another girlfriend to be honest. I can't think of any other reason why he'd refuse to see you for so long. You deserve better!

RantyAnty · 04/04/2021 14:54

So glad to hear you've dumped him.
You've got so much going for you. I hope you have a great time this summer.

updownroundandround · 04/04/2021 15:39

@Sasha93

You can't 'have a life' with someone who doesn't actually HAVE a bloody life................

You have not been in a 'romantic relationship' with this waste of time loser, in any sense of the term.

You have been in some weird 'fantasy/ co-dependency/ friend zone kind of 'contact' with a drug using/ scrounging/unwilling to be an adult type of person, who can and will only ever think about himself and what he wants. He has zero interest in you as a person at all !!

Gather your wits and your friends, and cut all contact with this bloody loser immediately, and start actually living YOUR life !!

Sunflower1970 · 04/04/2021 19:39

I think you’re completely deluding yourself if you think you are in a relationship.

Sunflower1970 · 04/04/2021 19:52

@MayIDestroyYou

Thank you all again for the messages this is the push I needed to finally leave him, I thought it I was being mean for leaving someone with depression but you are all right I do deserve better,

All hail the power of MN ...

I’m also thinking this post must be fictitious

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