DP sent me messages meant for another woman

[Toega]

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

What did the message say? Could it be innocent?

OP, can you tell us what the messages said? Really hard for us to respond otherwise.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Why is this so common?! I hate men 😩

If you can, please share, and you can move to the country you’re from alone and be with family potentially

You’re going to be ok, whatever happens

Honestly? I'd press ahead with the move because if you split, it will potentially be much more difficult to get home...

What's the after dinner plans then? Lose the sweats and get cosy?

I saw them while I was half asleep with DS and thought it didn't make any sense, and when I woke up an hour later when DS woke up he had deleted them.

At first he tried to say they were messages to an old work friend about meeting up for a walk all together on Sunday, and then when I asked him to show me the messages he just sat down and stared at me and looked sad, and then I realised what I feared. I had hoped it was innocent.

It's a woman from work who's based in an overseas office, so an emotional affair. Only been a few days he says. He's deleted the conversation so who knows if that's true, it doesn't matter though does it as I wouldn't be able to believe him no matter what he said. How long would it have gone on for if he didn't fuck up and send them to me instead?

He said he doesn't know why he did it and he's so stupid and it's the biggest mistake of his life. He's been crying ever since.

I was also going to say ignore it, wait until you've moved back to your home country and then split up. Obviously I don't have all the details, but if he's not from your home country he could decide not to let you take your dc back to live if you split here. I would play the long game.

Why would he risk his family, our future together for that? For nothing. Didn't even get sex out of it. He knows that I was to take DS home as planned he couldn't come with us because his partner visa is void of the relationship breaks down, and with the border restrictions he wouldn't be able to enter the country for this year and possibly next. So who knows when he would next see his son. And that's worth it?

He's not crying because he's sad, he's crying because he got caught. 0

He's been begging me that he'll do anything to be a part of DS's life. But he wouldn't would he otherwise he wouldn't have done that.

Things have been really tough the last month or so. We aren't communicating well, I've been feeling uncared for and hurt by him and so have been angry and snappy with him. But no matter how angry or hurt I've felt it never once crossed my mind to do that.

@JuneS87

He's not crying because he's sad, he's crying because he got caught. 0

Yep

So sorry op. If she is overseas how were they planning to have dinner?
I’d press ahead with the move with you son and leave him behind if I were you . Then at least you will have support of your family.

I’d go ahead with the move so you can have support. Even if it means pretending to stay with him until you can get your son over there.

Once he realises his precarious.position regarding the visa I guarantee he will stop apologising and go full court press on stopping you taking DS to your home country.
I fear in this instance you will need to pay the long game if you still want to move home, and I would be proactive about making that happen sooner rather than later.

If she's overseas, this really is a storm in a teacup.

Things have been really tough the last month or so. We aren't communicating well, I've been feeling uncared for

Well now you know why that is. Because he’s been focussing all his time and attention on his colleague.
Eugghhhhh. It’s so predictable.
I’m so sorry Op.
And yes, I agree with the PPs, the crocodile tears are because he got caught.

I know you said your flights home were cancelled. Can you reschedule them? We’re you moving back there permanently? To be nearer your family?
Do you still have somewhere to live here? A job etc?
What do you want to do re him? As obviously you’ve only just found this out.

Personally for me, it’d be over. Because I can’t abide lying cheating shits. But that’s just me.

Ok stop and think very very carefully here!

If you do want to move back to your home country - you need to think this one through. Are you in the UK? If you are, and to be honest in most countries, you actually won't be able to just move with your joint child without his permission. While you're still here, and your child - HIS child too - is resident here, you need his permission to go.

If you're split and he knows he won't get a visa then I would assume he would then say no to your going alone with his child - why wouldn't he?!

So it's not him that's on the back foot here if there's a split now - it's you!

If you know you want to move home with your child then please be careful. I would make sure that he did not prevent my moving and that would be the most important thing. I'd 'forgive', try again, be all ok until I got to the home country and was safely resident with his permission before ending the relationship.

Say whatever you have to say about saving your marriage until you've got yourself back to your home country
If you split now, he can stop you taking your child

@Toega

He's been begging me that he'll do anything to be a part of DS's life. But he wouldn't would he otherwise he wouldn't have done that.

Things have been really tough the last month or so. We aren't communicating well, I've been feeling uncared for and hurt by him and so have been angry and snappy with him. But no matter how angry or hurt I've felt it never once crossed my mind to do that.

He would do anything to be a part of DS'd life but not yours?

@katy1213

If she's overseas, this really is a storm in a teacup.

It’s irrelevant if she’s overseas or round the corner. He was still sending another woman messages about discarding clothes after dinner and getting cosy. (Shit messages too, incidentally) Hardly the behaviour of a loving, faithful, trusted partner, is it?

Are you married or just partners?

It blows me away that the joy of becoming a father basically a minute ago hasn’t been his sole focus of attention.

It doesn’t matter if if was emotional or physical and if it was a day or a year. You can’t believe anything he says. You and your baby should be the focus of all his resources.

Reschedule your flight as quickly as you can back to your home country and family and let him figure out how to clean up his own mess. If you married in your home country you file for divorce in your home country soonest. I’m quite old but quite wise. You are in a magical time with your baby. Be around your family who will shower you both with love, attention, understanding and help.

God Bless

From the message you quoted, he sounds vile. I wouldn't give him a second chance.

Of course she isn’t overseas. They wouldn’t be talking about what to do after dinner if she was. Sorry OP

I see PP are saying the same thing.

He's curently begging? Box clever. Be open to forgiving. Do NOT let him think you are dumping him. Focus on getting home, yes he can still come, fresh start, you name it. Just get there and establish residency if that is what you want for you and your child and the future - it is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Even if it then takes you a year to be rid. It's nothing to get yourself safely 'homed' in the country you want to be in.

He will stop you, 100%, he has the power to do this so he will if you split.

Once you are safely resident, he can't make you and your child move back, and you can act.

@OysterMonkey exactly.

They obviously are in deeper than 2 days ... they have had some sexual contact even if it was virtual. Maybe she travelled here for work. It’s too familiar. And what’s more cosy than sweats?