DP sent me messages meant for another woman

[Toega]

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

This is the thread @Wisnaeme was referring to. The kiwi husband was only to glad to go home to his family and right back into their drinking, she'll be right family culture. Never mind how unhappy his wife was. I'm highly sceptical of his parents who I think are going to exploit their adult children.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?msgid=96593618

@Toega

I get it that you think it's disingenuous to pretend everything is ok just to get the three of you to NZ then reassess the situation.

However, how disingenuous was it of him to be sending flirty texts to the other woman or prospective OW.

Has he said why he did it ? Feeling neglected by you since the baby was born ? If that's the case you will probably end up going to NZ with just your baby anyway.

The prospective OW was overseas. Overseas where ? Southern Hemisphere ?

He lived in NZ for a few years as a teenager. Backpacking I assume. What is it with these people ? Relocating to NZ on the strength of a backpacking holiday 20 years previously !

@ToffeeNotCoffee

thank you, I struggled to find it ☺️

a great insight to how badly wrong things can go OP 🌸

Go home sweetheart. Just get there however you need to. Keep the focus on your child and your own mental health. Xx

Oh op, thank goodness you have had legal advice, get that letter, and go.
I hope you and you baby find happiness at home

I echo what everyone else has said. Get the letter signed now while he's being so obliging. Tell him your mind is a complete mess right now and you just need some TLC and to be supported by your family. Nothing wrong with hinting that once you've regrouped you'll be open to talking to him further - the priority is getting you and your DS back home to your family as planned. You're not depriving him of his son - he can join you out there if he wants to when the borders open. This is all on him - he has no-one to blame but himself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, you sound remarkably strong x

I don't feel strong. I veer between never wanting to look at him again and wishing I never knew. If he stopped and I never found out I would have preferred that. But I know he wouldn't have stopped.

I feel like I'm grieving the man I knew. Because I loved him, and I miss him very much, and all I want is for him to hold me because when I was upset or hurt he would hug me and I would feel my whole body from my head to my feet pressed against him and I felt safe. But he's gone, and there's just a man who looks like him instead.

I know he was never really here at all, but it feels like he was. He was the man who made me 6 different types of mini grilled cheese because it was my favourite thing to eat when I was pregnant. He learned how to paint and painted me an advent calendar box and asked all my friends and family here and overseas to send little notes and made little gifts to put in them. He advocated for me while I was going through the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth after a previous sexual assault. He learned hypnobirthing techniques and read me mediations while he stroked my back. That was the man I loved. But he was never even real. How could I not have known? How will I ever know again if someone is genuine or not?

I've never trusted someone until him. I've never been able to open up to people like I have to him. I put my whole trust in him and he destroyed it.

He still says he loves me and cares for me, more than anyone before. If that's how someone who loves me treats me then what does that make me? Worthless?

In the last 18 months I have been raped, terminated a pregnancy from that rape, became pregnant unexpectedly with DP, lost my job when I told them I was pregnant, used up all of my savings, gave birth, had a horrendous experience with not being able to breastfeed and now this. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

@Toega

I don't feel strong. I veer between never wanting to look at him again and wishing I never knew. If he stopped and I never found out I would have preferred that. But I know he wouldn't have stopped.

I feel like I'm grieving the man I knew. Because I loved him, and I miss him very much, and all I want is for him to hold me because when I was upset or hurt he would hug me and I would feel my whole body from my head to my feet pressed against him and I felt safe. But he's gone, and there's just a man who looks like him instead.

I know he was never really here at all, but it feels like he was. He was the man who made me 6 different types of mini grilled cheese because it was my favourite thing to eat when I was pregnant. He learned how to paint and painted me an advent calendar box and asked all my friends and family here and overseas to send little notes and made little gifts to put in them. He advocated for me while I was going through the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth after a previous sexual assault. He learned hypnobirthing techniques and read me mediations while he stroked my back. That was the man I loved. But he was never even real. How could I not have known? How will I ever know again if someone is genuine or not?

I've never trusted someone until him. I've never been able to open up to people like I have to him. I put my whole trust in him and he destroyed it.

He still says he loves me and cares for me, more than anyone before. If that's how someone who loves me treats me then what does that make me? Worthless?

In the last 18 months I have been raped, terminated a pregnancy from that rape, became pregnant unexpectedly with DP, lost my job when I told them I was pregnant, used up all of my savings, gave birth, had a horrendous experience with not being able to breastfeed and now this. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I'm so sorry OP.

The fact he was able to do this to you despite the horrendous experiences you've been through makes him the lowest of the low.

I don't really know what to say other than please take care of yourself and go wherever you feel most loved and supported

Best of luck

I don't understand your resistance to going home when it was your plan to do this all along and if you flight hadn't been cancelled, you'd probably be there now. There's nothing stopping you now, except yourself.

You are grieving, you will feel better, but now you need to go home. If he gives permission just go and sort it out from there. If not you can abduct your child and fight from a position of strength, how likely is the court to seperate your child from you? Will he even fight? It's a hard road but can be done, otherwise make up your mind to stay here and live the best you can.

OP I am so sorry to read what you have endured 🌸

Go home 🌸

@Toega

I don't feel strong. I veer between never wanting to look at him again and wishing I never knew. If he stopped and I never found out I would have preferred that. But I know he wouldn't have stopped.

I feel like I'm grieving the man I knew. Because I loved him, and I miss him very much, and all I want is for him to hold me because when I was upset or hurt he would hug me and I would feel my whole body from my head to my feet pressed against him and I felt safe. But he's gone, and there's just a man who looks like him instead.

I know he was never really here at all, but it feels like he was. He was the man who made me 6 different types of mini grilled cheese because it was my favourite thing to eat when I was pregnant. He learned how to paint and painted me an advent calendar box and asked all my friends and family here and overseas to send little notes and made little gifts to put in them. He advocated for me while I was going through the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth after a previous sexual assault. He learned hypnobirthing techniques and read me mediations while he stroked my back. That was the man I loved. But he was never even real. How could I not have known? How will I ever know again if someone is genuine or not?

I've never trusted someone until him. I've never been able to open up to people like I have to him. I put my whole trust in him and he destroyed it.

He still says he loves me and cares for me, more than anyone before. If that's how someone who loves me treats me then what does that make me? Worthless?

In the last 18 months I have been raped, terminated a pregnancy from that rape, became pregnant unexpectedly with DP, lost my job when I told them I was pregnant, used up all of my savings, gave birth, had a horrendous experience with not being able to breastfeed and now this. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Call your embassy. Ask them to help you get home. Get your ex to write the letter ASAP and hide it. I am so sorry OP, for everything that has happened to you. I almost feel like he should not have confessed everything to you, that is too much for one person to bear.

I am sorry.

Have you decided to stay in the UK after all OP?

Embassy won't help because of Hague convention. She needs to get home while she can and seek legal advice

@WisnaeMe

Get the letter signed ASAP OP, and keep it in a secure place until you can get flights.

Yes, this.

Get the letter and go home, where you want to be.

So sorry OP it is so painful. But better to know now than live a lie. I could not believe my lovely husband would do such horrendous things but he did. So hard but you have to accept that it happened and move on.

Please take great care of yourself and prioritise yourself and DC. Make the best decision for you 2. All the best!

If not you can abduct your child and fight from a position of strength

No, no, no. Absolutely do not do this.

OP does not need to abduct her child anyway, her dp has said he is willing to sign the paperwork. I don't know why she wouldn't go along with this as it's perfect.

For all we know she could be in her home country already. I hope she is.

How are you OP, did you get the letter signed and notarised. 🌸

You are going to get through this one day at a time, by going home.

You are not going to be able to be your best self as a mother if you have no support.

If he wants a relationship with DS then he will work to make that possible.

It is not your job to facilitate this if doing so puts you in a horrible position.

"How do you move past this, if you decide to continue the relationship? How do you ever trust them, that this won't happen again? I don't want to spend my life constantly wondering if it's happening again. Or goes further. It only stopped because he fucked up by sending a message to the wrong person. He said he's blocked her number."

You can't. What you had has gone. You can't trust him currently. He wiont have blocked her number. He's been having an affair.

Yes of course him and your son are entitled to a relationship. But you've been traumatised and are just at the start of the discovery stage. So protect yourself. Your heart. .

He needs to leave. At least for a while. And he needs to be honest with you. But the chances of you getting honesty are slim.

I'm so sorry. I've been there. I was not married and I realised after months that all he cared about was himself and was just upset that he'd been caught.

Long term. You will work something out.

I've just read your update. Sorry. It's so hard. It's his job to ensure his relationship with his child is maintained. You do not have to put up with him violating you and humiliating you for that to happen. What a fucking cunt he is.

"That’s not a good idea at all. The baby is domiciled here so the dad could file international charges to get the baby returned"
Not so in this situation, as they were not married when the baby's was born, the baby's domicile is that of the mother's.

Mind you the baby's domicile has no influence on the Hague Convention, that is dependant on the baby's residence.

So the OP needs to move with her partner to NZ so the child's residence is NZ, or needs the partner's consent to take the child permanently to NZ.

What's obvious is that that OP has had an awful 18mths and needs to move home for her own good, and without her 'partner'.

So she needs to get the father's consent.

Come home....much Aroha

She can’t go home if there is nothing flying to NZ and she will have to get the fathers permission to take the child.