DP sent me messages meant for another woman

[Toega]

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

She isn’t overseas.

And he has had sex with her, what do you think loose the sweats and get comfy means?.....doesn’t take a genius.

Can’t believe you fell for her being over seas, come on OP!

So he’s expressed his sorrow because he wants to stay in his sons life, what about you? Has he said how he feels about you?

I think there's a way of restoring deleted messages.

The words don't make much sense for someone abroad though, are you sure about this?

Just give yourself time. And don't fall for his crocodile tears.

I agree with playing the long game. Think of the alternative and work out what damage he could do.

You need to play this very smartly and carefully OP if you ever want to get back to your home country with your child.

Listen to what everyone is saying. If you want to get home with your son you need to play the long game, or risk that he will stop you. Get home to your family and support network, then kick his sorry arse.

His story doesn’t add up that it’s someone from abroad. Why would they talk about after dinner plans? Also the message sounds very familiar. More than just a 2 day flirtation

No way have they not had sex. That message is too far on in 'intimacy' for them to still be in the early stages. He is lying to you about that as well.

I agree with PP's. If you want to return to your native country and he has the power to block the DC from going, go quiet, get home and them dump him. Look out for yourself now only. Don't have sex with him and get an STD check.

@YoniAndGuy

I see PP are saying the same thing.

He's curently begging? Box clever. Be open to forgiving. Do NOT let him think you are dumping him. Focus on getting home, yes he can still come, fresh start, you name it. Just get there and establish residency if that is what you want for you and your child and the future - it is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Even if it then takes you a year to be rid. It's nothing to get yourself safely 'homed' in the country you want to be in.

He will stop you, 100%, he has the power to do this so he will if you split.

Once you are safely resident, he can't make you and your child move back, and you can act.

This. Please don't let on you've made a decision to end things until you are back in your home country, if that's where you want to be long term. You will need their support whether you stay with him or not longer term. I'm so sorry this has happened especially at a time when you can feel so vulnerable already.

Cosy is a very odd euphemism for shagging in a new relationship though isn’t it? Unless he’s dating a 17yo with an impressive collection of Care Bears and a Disney habit.

I would get rid of him just for being so fucking thick that he sent the wrong text

You need to make a decision right away: in which country do you want to bring up your child and live permanently?

If it's your home country, then you need to pretend to forgive your dp and get yourself and dc moved. Break up with the cheating twat after you have settled.

If you prefer remain in the UK - do you have a right to remain permanently? If no, then get yourself and dc back to your home country. Or see an immigration solicitor immediately.

He's been crying ever since
Twat. Of course he has.

Sorry OP.

@harriethoyle

Honestly? I'd press ahead with the move because if you split, it will potentially be much more difficult to get home...

This. If moving to my home country I would go so far as to fake reconciliation to avoid being trapped away from support

Why was your flight cancelled OP?

I'd go without him as soon as I got the chance.

As in what is she doing after she's had dinner, is she getting out of her workout clothes and getting cosy. So not together but still not something you would say to a friend so that's why I knew something was up.

We aren't married, had loosely planned to once covid restrictions were over and our families could both be there.

My ideal situation would be both of us move and we co-parent, but that can't happen because of covid. It would be best for DS to have both of us in his life but it would be best for me to be home where I have support.

Not sure why the flight was cancelled, but I've seen that there are no more routes via that city so may be an issue with the city.

I have a British passport so can remain here indefinitely.

Who says they were joint plans? Surely he means her plans, to take off her joggers after dinner and literally be cosy, possibly in bed by herself in her pjs or whatever.

Why are people reading that as a euphemism for fucking, or telling OP she’s wrong and this woman isn’t abroad? How would anyone on here know?!

You also have no proof or inkling he’s shagged her

He’s crying so he’s been up to something and got caught out and OP can call it a day based on that if you want to but some of the comments here are beyond ridiculous.

Can you fly via a different route OP?

@Toega

He's been begging me that he'll do anything to be a part of DS's life. But he wouldn't would he otherwise he wouldn't have done that.

Things have been really tough the last month or so. We aren't communicating well, I've been feeling uncared for and hurt by him and so have been angry and snappy with him. But no matter how angry or hurt I've felt it never once crossed my mind to do that.

His behaviour has a to do with the affair not you. They start to resent you because you take time away from the affair.

None of that is your fault.

If it’s important to you to live in your home country I would go else you may struggle to untill your dc is a lot older

So if you move home and split, he would not be able to stay in your home country or visit easily?

I understand why people are saying to do this but do think carefully. It's no small thing to deprive your child of a relationship with his father.

But hopefully your partner could get a visa based on being a parent instead of a partner, have you looked into this? It's possible in the UK and France at least.

Okay look

Right now you are raw
The man you thought loved you has betrayed you- that is no small thing to deal with.

You need some space to think- he needs to give you that.

Survivinginfidelity is a much better site for help than mumsnet where the Affair partner is never wrong and anything other than LTB is seen as weak.

You need to really think about moving and depriving your child of a relationship with their father, is he on the birth certificate?

I am not sure of the ins and outs, but if you did move, if he took you to court, could you be forced to move back? I am not sure the courts would look too kindly on you if you moved without telling him.

If its in certain countries, could he say you have kidnapped the child?

I get you are hurt and he has fucked you over, but its your relationship he has screwed not his and his child.

Also I wonder if the same advice would be given if it was a man posting.

What would happen if you hadn't read the messages and were none the wiser.

Fully agree with pp he's crying because he's been caught.

Organise what you need to do for you and your son.. He has to deal with the consequences now.