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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP sent me messages meant for another woman

204 replies

Toega · 27/03/2021 12:33

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

OP posts:

moose62 · 27/03/2021 17:34

I'm not sure he can be considered a 'great dad' when your child is only 12 weeks old and he is already behaving like this.

Brazilianut · 28/03/2021 08:00

OP do you believe this has just been an emotional affair and they haven’t met up? And that they weren’t due to meet for dinner and cosy time?

It’s your decision but please whatever decision you make do it with eyes wide open. Would you be able to trust him again?

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 28/03/2021 08:42

Get home at all costs as soon as possible.

Process it once you’re there.

Beautiful3 · 28/03/2021 09:00

Honestly, you need time away from him to evaluate what you want to do. Its not selfish to do what's right for you. Why should you be poor and alone because you're trying to allow contact with your child?! I would go home to my home country, spend some time with family and friends. He can always come and visit, yes it's far away but that's not your problem.

Original poster

Toega · 30/03/2021 16:10

For anyone who reads this at a later date, when they're searching for similar threads as they're in the same situation, and you're thinking that your partner or husband isn't like all these others and yours is different and maybe you'll be the exception that can work through it and it'll all work out, and that the people on this thread don't know you and your relationship.

You're wrong. I was you. I thought my partner wasn't like all the others and just made some bad decisions recently. I would have sworn on my baby's life that he would never cheat on me, that he was devoted on me. That I always thought he loved me more than I loved him.

He's been cheating on me for our entire relationship. Physically as well.

I would have sworn. I was wrong. You are too.

OP posts:

trevthecat · 30/03/2021 16:18

Oh what an awful update. How do you know? How are you?

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 16:21

Shit OP you need to get on a flight asap or you may never be able to leave.

MzHz · 30/03/2021 16:24

I’m so sorry. It’s beyond awful.

How are you? Have you got people in RL to talk to?

occa · 30/03/2021 16:26

Oh no, OP. How horrendous.

Go home. Really. Go now, as soon as you can get a flight.

WTAFdoodles · 30/03/2021 16:31

Oh no...so sorry OP, has he confessed to more now then?

crosshatching · 30/03/2021 16:35

Oh love, I am so sorry, and furious for you. You need to be with the people who will support you the most. What a git.

AnotherKrampus · 30/03/2021 16:49

Especially given the update, go as soon as you can. This is what is best for you and your emotional health and future, which in turn is best for your child. He lost the right to consideration once he betrayed you so massively.

lockdownalli · 30/03/2021 17:13

So sorry OP - please do get yourself back to your family as soon as possible.

Maybe tell him it's temporary or something? A trial split/break?

RickiTarr · 30/03/2021 17:21

@occa

Oh no, OP. How horrendous.

Go home. Really. Go now, as soon as you can get a flight.

That’s not a good idea at all. The baby is domiciled here so the dad could file international charges to get the baby returned.

Slow and clever is the way.

occa · 30/03/2021 17:32

That’s not a good idea at all. The baby is domiciled here so the dad could file international charges to get the baby returned.

The baby's only 3 months old though and they already had plans in place to leave the UK, so staying longer seems highly unlikely to make it easier. It'll only make the case that the baby's permanent home is the UK stronger.

gallileofigaro · 30/03/2021 17:33

@Toega oh dear, you've obviously uncovered more stuff. I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to choose the path in life that you want now.

RickiTarr · 30/03/2021 17:39

It’s a hell of a risk for her to just flee with the baby, without the dad’s permission and hope the Judge will see it your way.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 17:42

OP doesn't have to flee. She can say that she needs support from her family and some time to think. She can be clever about it. And it's true, she does need family support at this time.

OP you have to be smart here or you will never be able to go home.

NoCauseRebel · 30/03/2021 17:55

People really shouldn’t be advising the OP to just up and leave the country. The baby was born here, the OP has been living here, this isn’t the same as a person who moves to a country with children and has only been here a short time.

The DP could get a prohibited steps order to prevent her from removing the baby from the country or could still get an order to have the baby returned to the UK. And as much as the DP is clearly a shit, this is about the child and his right to a relationship with both parents, and rightly or wrongly, this is one of the pitfalls of having a relationship, and children with someone in a different country.

OP am sorry you’re going through this. You need to get some legal advice with regards to where you go from here. Unfortunately it’s possible that you may not be able to take your DS out of the country.

RickiTarr · 30/03/2021 18:01

You need to get some legal advice with regards to where you go from here. Unfortunately it’s possible that you may not be able to take your DS out of the country.

This.

@Toega you said earlier that;

But I don't know if I can do it. It feels so manipulative and disingenuous. I know he would go along with it anyway if he knew I was pretending, because he wants to be with DS. He wants us to stay together as well but he can't have everything his way.

So how about just telling him you’re prepared to try again in the new country. Hat you don’t know if it will work, but it’s the only way it might work?

He knows it’s straw-grabbing as well as you do, but do it that way. No need to act much. You can carry on being pissed off, he can carry on being apparently remorseful, you can be honest about needing family support. Then book three flights.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 18:50

If you had discovered all of this after you moved you would have been fine in your home country. Is he now refusing to go with you, or can you just both go as per Plan A and sort it all out once your there.

Even if you give it 6 months with the support of your family, your child will have spent most of their life in your country. But if you don't go you may never be able to.

It all rather depends on whether he still wants to go with you or not.

Maze76 · 30/03/2021 19:09

What is wrong with some men?! Why throw it all away, for what?!.. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know how it feels to be so badly betrayed. As others has said, you now have to plan your next moves very carefully. I agree with the advice given by @WallaceinAnderland. It might mean so me Oscar winning acting skill on your part, but if that’s what it takes for you and your child to be able to go home, then do it.
The world is a much smaller place now, and he can still have a relationship with your child without living in the same country.
Good luck.

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 19:38

Get yourself back to NZ and take it from there OP 🌸

IHateCoronavirus · 30/03/2021 19:46

Shit, so gutted for you reading your update op? What had happened since? Where does he stand on you and baby still going back to your home country?
What an absolute knob!

Notashandyta · 30/03/2021 20:16

Gutted for you. You sound so lovely too.

You must get home where your family and friends are.

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