Page 3 | DP sent me messages meant for another woman

Toega · 2021-03-27T12:33:09+00:00

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about. I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet. What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move? Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

DParse · 27/03/2021 14:31

@AnneLovesGilbert speaks sense.

OP, whatever you do, you need to think very carefully about what you want for your son in the longer term. Whatever you do now will set the foundations for the relationship he has with his father later on. I know his father is the one who's been a dick here, but don't make any hasty decisions.

Iworry2021 · 27/03/2021 14:31

I have a bit of an unpopular opinion, but I don't find this message is a deal breaker for a relationship necessarily.

Yes, it was bad and you must read him the riot act, but the message only seemed a bit flirtatious in nature and it was to a woman who seems to live in a different country anyway.

Your feelings are absolutely valid and you have every right to dump him if you want to, but I would just sleep over it and not make any rash decisions. Maybe you both can work through this. Men are stupid.

Changemaname1 · 27/03/2021 14:31

Disagree . the plan was to move there . Dp has fucked things up not op. Why should she be stuck here with no family or support around her if she decides to split ??

BendyLikeBeckham · 27/03/2021 14:34

Is he named on the birth certificate, OP?

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2021 14:34

I think you should go OP. Why would he not be able to visit his son, surely he can do that on a tourist visa?

Bellringer · 27/03/2021 14:34

Legal advice re Hague convention, parental rights

partyatthepalace · 27/03/2021 14:34

@MotherofTerriers

Say whatever you have to say about saving your marriage until you've got yourself back to your home country If you split now, he can stop you taking your child

Yes this - play the long game OP.

I’m not at all one for saying that an EA or even a A needs to end a relationship, but it’s so early in the game for you that you haven’t had a chance to build a solid foundation yet, so I would move forward without him.

But please be smart about it - get your child to your home country, even if you have to play house with him and take him with you, then end it.

Original poster

Toega · 27/03/2021 14:38

I know, that's why I'm so heartbroken because there isn't a good solution. If there was no covid there would be, we could both move and live independently and DS would have both of us in his life which is the best thing for him. But that isn't possible at the moment unless we lie to the government. His current visa is a temporary one so if we broke up in my country he could be deported. The plan was to apply for the permanent residence visa once out there, and if he had that already then even if we broke up he would be able to stay indefinitely because it's permanent. So his ideal scenario other than us staying together is both moving out as planned, he finds somewhere else to live and we don't 'officially' break up until after the permanent visa is granted. But that's illegal and I would be guilty too if it was found out.

There are other routes yes, DS doesn't sleep unless on me so I'm up every night, I spent a few hours the night before last when I got the cancellation email checking new routes and costs and baggage allowances if we have to fly in to a different airport and then fly domestic after we've quarantined.

Yes he's on the birth certificate. And he loves DS very much. I would never want to stop a relationship between them, whatever happens between us.

I don't think it matters that it was 'just' texting or 'just' flirting. I don't know that it was 'just' that, I never will, and the trust is broken. How can you have a relationship without trust?

OP posts:

Changemaname1 · 27/03/2021 14:42

You can’t op . Some people would probably forgive this but iv been there in the best . He’s betrayed you . 3 months after you had his baby no less .

Changemaname1 · 27/03/2021 14:42

Past not best

inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/03/2021 14:46

That's not the sort of thing you say to someone you haven't already been intimate (i.e. lost the sweats) with.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I didn't think my kind, generous, attentive DH would cheat on me either ... but he did.

eatsleepread · 27/03/2021 14:47

He will be trying to minimise, so do not believe him when he says it's a matter of days.
The guilt he's feeling will pass, and once that happens, things will be as bad as ever they were.
He will be more concerned with losing his child than you.
And if he has it in him to be unfaithful once, it can happen again.
Can you tell I have been through this before ...
I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, and I wish you well

eatsleepread · 27/03/2021 14:49

And be hard, OP. Don't be too soft or forgive too quickly (as I did).
Protect yourself.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2021 14:51

The plan was to apply for the permanent residence visa once out there, and if he had that already then even if we broke up he would be able to stay indefinitely because it's permanent. So his ideal scenario other than us staying together is both moving out as planned, he finds somewhere else to live and we don't 'officially' break up until after the permanent visa is granted.

I think you should agree to this so that you can move easily and then when you are there you can change your mind'

He should leave the country, rather than wait to be deported but that will be his decision to make and you won't be involved in anything illegal.

2bazookas · 27/03/2021 14:51

I would reply to DS, as if I were the other woman, and tell him he's such a lousy lover its no wonder his wife got bored.

May17th · 27/03/2021 14:52

@JuneS87

He's not crying because he's sad, he's crying because he got caught. 0

Exactly

SushiYum · 27/03/2021 14:52

Why can’t you stay together in the country you’re currently in? If you moved back to your home country, when would your DS see his dad again? That must be horrible. Of course that doesn’t excuse the emotional affair, nothing excuses cheating.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 27/03/2021 14:53

So his ideal scenario other than us staying together is both moving out as planned, he finds somewhere else to live and we don't 'officially' break up until after the permanent visa is granted. But that's illegal and I would be guilty too if it was found out.

Why can't that be your ideal scenario too? You want him to be in his child's life, and that's the way for it to happen. I don't think the 'illegal' bit matters if it's only because of covid. This is longer term than covid. You get there, fake it for a bit, then you get a fresh start.

WeatherwaxLives · 27/03/2021 14:56

What's your living situation going to be in your home country? Could you live in the same home but not as a couple, seperate rooms?

Then once he gets his permenant visa he moves out?

I'm sorry OP

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2021 14:57

I don't think the 'illegal' bit matters if it's only because of covid.

It's not because of covid, it's because he has a partner's visa. If you are no longer with that partner, the visa is no longer valid. So he would not be allowed to stay in the country legally and if he got caught he would be deported and never allowed back into the country so that is the very last thing he should do.

BendyLikeBeckham · 27/03/2021 15:01

I wasn't thinking about not having a relationship with his child, more about whether he has legal parental responsibility. You need legal advice.

RickiTarr · 27/03/2021 15:03

@Fluffycloudland77

Cosy is a very odd euphemism for shagging in a new relationship though isn’t it? Unless he’s dating a 17yo with an impressive collection of Care Bears and a Disney habit.

So is “Netflix & Chill” bug people say that to mean shagging. 🤷🏻‍♀️

FergusSingsTheBIues · 27/03/2021 15:04

Well

You play the long game
Feign forgiveness etc
Get home

Then revaluate!

JinglingHellsBells · 27/03/2021 15:07

I'm genuinely sorry you are in this situation.

But I'm agreeing with a couple of others, that I didn't interpret that message as about him and her. I've never heard of sex being referred to as 'being cosy'- and I'm pretty long in the tooth!

I thought he was asking her what she was doing (on her own) after she had eaten dinner (on her own.)

It sounded to me like friendly banter, but not sexual.
There was no 'we' are going to get cosy.

It might be a flirty chat but I am not so sure it's all you think it is.

RickiTarr · 27/03/2021 15:08

@Toega

I know, that's why I'm so heartbroken because there isn't a good solution. If there was no covid there would be, we could both move and live independently and DS would have both of us in his life which is the best thing for him. But that isn't possible at the moment unless we lie to the government. His current visa is a temporary one so if we broke up in my country he could be deported. The plan was to apply for the permanent residence visa once out there, and if he had that already then even if we broke up he would be able to stay indefinitely because it's permanent. So his ideal scenario other than us staying together is both moving out as planned, he finds somewhere else to live and we don't 'officially' break up until after the permanent visa is granted. But that's illegal and I would be guilty too if it was found out.

There are other routes yes, DS doesn't sleep unless on me so I'm up every night, I spent a few hours the night before last when I got the cancellation email checking new routes and costs and baggage allowances if we have to fly in to a different airport and then fly domestic after we've quarantined.

Yes he's on the birth certificate. And he loves DS very much. I would never want to stop a relationship between them, whatever happens between us.

I don't think it matters that it was 'just' texting or 'just' flirting. I don't know that it was 'just' that, I never will, and the trust is broken. How can you have a relationship without trust?

It’s not illegal anywhere to stay together in a crumbling relationship until things finally end for good.

I mean, if you can hack it, that’s the answer. Move back home, stay together in a cohabitating arrangement until he has permanent status. Obvious wait a few months after he has his residence card before he moves out. Don’t raise eyebrows by doing it the next day.

Could be bearable if you have enough space and can be amicable.