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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sent me messages meant for another woman

204 replies

Toega · 27/03/2021 12:33

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 27/03/2021 15:59

OP how is covid making the difference?
If no covid would he be able to move to your home country without a visa, but because of covid he has to have a spousal/joint visa?

I have fled DV internationally with 2 children. If you're prioritising DS having a relationship with his Dad, would also really advise you to consider moving with him, maybe find somewhere with a bedroom each?
He may prevent you from leaving otherwise or if not will be seperated from DS.
He should move despite it being harder for him (leaving family etc) if he is genuine about wanting to be with DS.

Original poster
Toega · 27/03/2021 16:01

@theansweris42 yes, the borders are closed apart from partners of citizens who have a visa. Normal visas aren't being processed yet until the borders are fully open and that won't be this year. He can only get in to the country if he's on the same flight as me as well. He can't come later.

@Brazilianut yes I do. He goes to work and comes home.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 27/03/2021 16:01

But I can't take DS away from his father, he has a right to know him and a relationship with him that's more than FaceTime. I will just be utterly utterly miserable and alone here. And screwed financially.

Sorry op, but miserable mothers cannot easily rise happy children. Put yourself first because if you split, you are going to be taking on the lions share of bringing that child up so you need to be where support is and where you are happy.

Having said that, you wouldn’t be the first mother who stayed in the country against her wishes just to find dad is no longer so interested in the kid just a couple of years later. It does happen, I don’t know what are the statistics these days but, I remember reading that 50% of non resident parents no longer have regular contact with their children just 2 years after the split.

Having said that, I wouldn’t write the relationship off just over some some texts, you need to find out what really is going on before you decide what course your life takes.

KarmaNoMore · 27/03/2021 16:03

Sorry skipped the important bit:

“ Put yourself first because if you split, you are going to be taking on the lions share of bringing that child up so you need to be where support is and where you are happy, for the sake of your child.

Nameandgamechange123 · 27/03/2021 16:05

I know he's done a terrible thing but....... Would you not want him to still be involved in his son's life? I would defo go ahead and get away from him and go down divorce route, but I would also think about allowing him involvement with his child in the future. Not for his sake, but for child.

theansweris42 · 27/03/2021 16:06

You go, go home to your people and take this idiot with you. Hes DS father.
Live seperately together.
Sort it out as soon as you can.

Original poster
Toega · 27/03/2021 16:06

@Nameandgamechange123 have you actually read my posts?

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 27/03/2021 16:08

You'll be so relieved when you get there.
You're being v brave.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/03/2021 16:09

I would take it for now and then make the move home for support

IHateCoronavirus · 27/03/2021 16:12

Definitely try to get home op. You are a better woman than me, still thinking of his relationship with his child. He should have done the same.
Go home, whichever way you can, have the support of your family. Let him find a way out of the mess he has created. Let him find away to be allowed to live in your home country. He is a grown adult. He made this situation, let him deal with it.
Your baby will be surrounded by love, and you will be in a better place to be happy. That is what your child really needs.

HaveringWavering · 27/03/2021 16:16

Just stay together, give him another chance and go to NZ together. Once you’re there, decide whether or not to dump him. Then you are in home turf with family and he has to deal with the consequences. Much better that than potentially being stuck in the U.K. because you split and he stops you taking his child out of the country. Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in the reconciliation.

1WayOrAnother2 · 27/03/2021 16:18

Keep in mind that a man who is such a poor excuse for a partner isn't likely to be a great father in the long run.

He 'seems' like a good father - but then he 'seemed' like a good partner too (until lightly tested).

His actions have broken up the family. Would you have done this to your son... even if you had fancied another person?

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2021 16:23

Go to your country together as soon as you can. You can decide everything else once you're safely there.

whitehat · 27/03/2021 16:23

I second what the previous posters have said. I've just managed to get out of an abusive relationship, where I was trapped due to partner visa issues, in a country that wasn't my own as DD was deemed 'ordinarily resident' there. It took me 10 years.

If you don't pretend to forgive and get home now, you may not be able to get back for many years.

HaveringWavering · 27/03/2021 16:33

What is his home and work situation? Does he have to spend between now and summer saying goodbye to family, serving notice in his job etc? Why not make it a condition of reconciliation that you bring forward the date of leaving? Then you don’t have to maintain the charade for so long. Remember that he always has the option of coming back to the U.K. when you dump him, it’s not an irrevocable move for him.

How do you get in with his family?

starfishmummy · 27/03/2021 16:33

I think you need tontake some time to think this through, decide what you want and talk to him.

And get off mumsnet because everyone will have him hung drawn and quartered.

HaveringWavering · 27/03/2021 16:34

Get on with his family.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/03/2021 16:35

He has always wanted to live in my home country, yes. He lived there as a teenager for a few years and has always wanted to move back.

That's good news, OP. You sound too nice and too honest to think of this, but it gives you some power in the relationship. Make sure the three of you move there and, unless you want to give it another go, arrange the break-up, child support and access to DS on your terms.

That's presuming your home country isn't one in which men have all the rights.

Nameandgamechange123 · 27/03/2021 16:54

@Toega yes I read your original post. I was offering an alternative point of view. Do you think I was being out of order for suggesting that you allow the dad to see his son? I'm not being shitty, I'm just trying to understand. If you don't want opinions, really..... Just don't ask.

Worried234 · 27/03/2021 16:56

@katy1213

If she's overseas, this really is a storm in a teacup.
No. It isn't.

But how helpful, and empathetic of you.

Twat.

Blindstupid · 27/03/2021 16:59

name .... read everything .... OP has continually said she was her son to have a relationship with his dad ... and they’re not married.

squarespecs · 27/03/2021 17:02

Nameandgamechange123

At least do OP the courtesy of reading her numerous other posts.

It's very easy to do by clicking 'see all' .

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2021 17:07

All things you've said considered....go home 'as a family' now and just 'take it from there'. You'll be in a much more secure position (emotionally and financially) to make any decisions that need to be made.

Can you 'get past' what he did? Sure, if you really want to. But you don't HAVE to and frankly, it would be a deal breaker for me. But do you have to make that decision right here and right now. No. You can relocate and then make it.

And if you get home and discover you can't get past it, well that's the precarious position HE PUT HIMSELF IN when he did what he did. Plans to move were already moving forward and unless he's monumentally stupid it's "Sorry Charlie, you paid your money and you took your chances" for him.

People pointing out that if you don't go as a family you may never be able to go are right. You cannot depend on anyone sticking by a statement of "Oh, I'd never stop you from going home with DC" made when the very idea of having it be a reality seems impossible to them. Especially when others, like grandparents or family members, start getting involved.

Itsjustaride8w737 · 27/03/2021 17:08

I'm sorry op, do what's best for you.

Get yourself home, he fucked up therefore he can make the decision and arrangements to see his son.

He may be a 'great' dad but clearly doesn't respect the mother of his child...

Nameandgamechange123 · 27/03/2021 17:18

@Blindstupid I was struggling to read the posts on my small screen.
@squarespecs I didn't realise I had that function.

You are more than welcome to ignore my post. I'm sorry if it has offended.

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